Healing of A Woman’s Heart – To Be Seen or Not To Be Seen – by Thomas J Koester

A little girl understands the significance of inner beauty from her daddy. Her mother may teach her the practicality and meaning of femininity, but her daddy will teach her the importance of feminine beauty and being captivating in heart and soul.

To ignore this writes John Eldredge:

“… to dismiss her little twirls, bashful smiles, and cries, of: “Daddy, do you see me? Daddy, do you delight in me? Daddy, do you have time for me?”

To ignore these important things, can create ugliness on the inside and an overemphasis on external beauty.

So many little girls are wounded in heart and soul by a brute father, cruelty, or physical violence. This is not to marginalize or diminish the pain of abuse, which so many little girls and women have suffered. However, a father’s absence, busyness, or silence can damage her inner beauty and feminine heart too.

I know this because I have a fantastic, graceful, brilliant, and gentle daughter named Tessa. She is blessed with a natural outer beauty, and, despite my long periods of absence in her younger years, she radiates inner beauty and a love for life. She is also very creative and has become a very bright and savvy businesswoman.

Yes, I know about wounded little girls and wounded wives. I wish I could undo the absent and silent years while I was too busy with career and acclimation, fame, and fortune. I hate that not only did I validate much of my wife’s wounding, but I created wounding within the heart and soul of my precious daughter.

But, as fathers and daddies, if we turn our hearts back towards our daughters, they can be set free to twirl, smile, and light up with inner beauty, no matter how young or old. It is never, absolutely never too late to heal the damage we men, young and old, have inflicted on the most precious gift as a little girl.

If we don’t, she’ll go on, accentuating her outer beauty and cultivating and shaping her femininity as a weapon against other women and allurement to capture men’s primal instinct and attention, whereby she’ll ruin herself repeatedly.

The hole in her heart is caused not by strangers, boyfriends, or lovers but by a father, and no other man on earth can make her whole again except the man called, daddy.

A wound where there are no tears, but only a hardened heart and dry soul, is a heart and soul that a miracle can only heal. Fathers, you are that miracle!

My daughter has told me many times, while we’re in public, “did you see the way that girl looked at me?” It took me a while to understand and catch what she had experienced, but one day, I saw the snarling look girls give to pretty girls. The irony is that the angry or jealous girl may be blessed with outer beauty.

But doesn’t this speak to the real issue—the real battle within the wounded feminine heart and soul?

She feels threatened and at war with outer beauty, no matter how unattractive or beautiful an opponent may be—she can’t help but constantly compare herself to them. Her extreme focus blinds her to the inner emptiness of others. This is because she has long forgotten or is unaware of her inner beauty. So all that is left is the shell and not the substance of who she truly is—she is lost.

A wise and good father will point his daughter to a greater Father by loving her from the inside out. By loving her from his heart to hers, he grants her the belief and faith in a Loving and Father-Hearted God.

“No one can come to the Father, Jesus has said, except through me.” John 14: 6. And, with the passageway and destination to God being both males, a father-wounded girl may have difficulty trusting these words of Jesus, or the goodness of the heart of a Father-God.

The Evil One uses a father’s inexperience and his childhood wounding from his own father to harm the daughters and sons that he’s begotten. This is called a schism, a well-planted wedge of hurt and pain from one victim to the next, from one father to daughters and sons, until generations are inflicted with heartlessness, self-loathing, and with an over-emphasis on the flesh.

If we fail to turn to our daughters, a wounded girl will compete aggressively among other sufferers, among other wounded girls. The only difference between a wounded little girl and a wounded and grown woman is the cost of their hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories.

I have nothing against makeup, clothing, or a little bling. But, if you want the right kind of man, wouldn’t you instead captivate him with your heart and soul? If not, you may fall for a guy who’ll not see you, not delight in you, and not spends time with you. You’ll settle for the abuse of silence and busyness, a hollow man only satisfied with your competitive and external beauty, which you must constantly fight against, foods, fads, and aging.

Wouldn’t you want a man who values and is captivated by your heart and soul? After all, your heart and soul are eternal and not external.

Healing is possible. Life is possible. And Love is worth fighting for, and a daddy’s love is worth risking the hurt of possible rejection. But, “faith, hope, and love are eternal,” and, as it further says in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the Love Chapter, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

… Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

…And now these three remain faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. –I Corinthians 13: 4-8,13.

If you want “Happily-Ever-After,” you must find the guy who’s after your heart, not your body or made-up face. When you do, you’ll be happy and free to live and be truly loved.

It is the heart—it’s always been the heart. And not only is this the part of you which Christ came to heal, but also to make his home with you— inside your heart.

“The Spirit of the Lord, the Eternal, is on me. The Lord has appointed me for a special purpose. He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to repair broken hearts, And to declare to those who are held captive and bound in prison, “Be free from your imprisonment!” He has sent me to announce the year of jubilee, the season of the Eternal One’s favor:

For our enemies, it will be a day of God’s wrath; For those who mourn, it will be a time of comfort. As for those who grieve over Zion, God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness.” –Isaiah 61: 1-3 (VOICE)

To be seen or not to be seen? That is a great question. Start with the healing of your heart, so all will go well with you.

Be seen as radiant and beautiful of heart, and let all other fads, fashions, and accessories go. Nothing is more important than you and the little girl who was once lost and is now found, loved, and celebrated of heart and soul.

I see you!

I love the scene from the movie, “The Last of the Mohicans,” when Cora Munro, played by Madeleine Stowe, is seen by Hawkeye, played by Daniel Day-Lewis.

Cora: “What are you looking at, Sir?”

—She neither expected nor anticipated the answer she received and appeared awkward and bashful, but she is captivated by his seeing her.-

“I’m looking at you, Miss,” Hawkeye said steadily.

I’m looking at you, Toni Koester. You are a captivating and radiant woman of heart and soul — I see you!

My Name Is Shame

The Loss of Identity & Worth

By Thomas J. Koester

Hello, my name is Shame.

Well, this is what I thought my name was—not because my mom and dad called me Shame, but somehow, in their inflection—when they used my real name—shame is what I had felt. Shame is my earliest memory—which, believe it or not, I was only eighteen months old!

In the spring of 1961, I was a toddler, sitting on my highchair in Paramus, New Jersey, about to eat my very first peanut butter sandwich. My mom had skillfully cut the crust away and segmented my sandwich into four small squares. I remember staring at the plate mom placed on my stainless steel highchair tray. I guess I’m supposed to eat it, so I curiously picked up a square, oozing with peanut butter, and touched it to my lips and tongue. My immediate reaction was to curl my mouth and retract my tongue in disgust while drooling the pasty peanut butter from my mouth to my chin.

Without provocation, my mom grabbed the sandwich square, mauled it into a ball, grabbing my chubby cheeks so hard it forced my mouth to open. She then, with an angry face, tightly gritted teeth, she began shoving the sandwich into my little and nearly toothless mouth, pushing so hard it caused me to choke, gasping for air! Suddenly, my gag reflex kicked in, and I threw up milk and whatever else made it to my stomach all over the highchair tray!

Suddenly, and shockingly, my mom slapped me so hard, me and the highchair nearly tipped over! For what seemed like minutes, or at least until my breath came back into my tiny lungs, I let out a blood curdling scream! While being confused and terrified, my mother slapped me again for crying. To this day, I still hate peanut butter sandwiches.

As an eighteen-month old toddler, I couldn’t process that event in any other way than to conclude something is terribly wrong with me. And this is what shame does; It robs you of your identity and lessens your self-worth. You don’t even know it’s happening, especially if you’re raised in a house of shame.

I have so many of these kinds of memories that it could easily fill an entire book! I will, however, share one more childhood memory of shame for context.

Don’t Pee Outside!

One summer day when I was a normal seven year old boy, one of my siblings tattled on me, reporting to mom:

“Tommy peed outside!”

My mom quickly called me inside to the kitchen, where she did most of her interrogations;

“Did you pee outside?”

—Sitting across the table was my mom’s best friend, Gloria Martin—

With fear and trepidation, I cautiously nodded my head, yes. My mom’s angry face was enough for me to repent, but by seven, I had learned that this was the precursor to shame and abuse.

My mother reached towards the left side of our kitchen table and grabbed a small pair of curved pedicure scissors. Simultaneously, she commanded me to pull down my pants. She then yanked down my underwear, exposing my penis in front of Mrs. Martin.

Mother grabs my penis, stretching it out, and with the scissors in her left-hand proceeds, or at least convinced me she was going to cut it off! I was brutally shamed and abused. Although, as a seven year old little boy, my faculty of reason was undeveloped. I could only interpret the abuse and shame that something is incurably wrong with me. That, and hundreds of days like it, might be the reason my name, Tommy, Tom, or Thomas, was replaced with the name, Shame.

I think chronically shaming a person is similar to murder. I’m not a forensic pathologist nor a psychologist, but isn’t murder when you premeditatedly end the life of a human being? Shame kills identity and destroys self-worth. Shame replaces the spark of life and light with darkness and a desire to cease living.

Several years ago, I was investigating a burned out office building in Berkeley, California. Everything was darkly sooted and smelled heavily of smoke and ash. I was there to measure the fire and smoke damage for an insurance company. As I was photographing each room, I entered one office that had several floor to ceiling shelves filled with books. All the books were heavily sooted and many soaked with water by the fire department. Except, one book, which stuck out a bit. Puzzled as to why this book was so clean, I pulled the book from the shelf. On the cover was a mother sitting on a chair with two small murdered children under one arm and a knife in her other hand. The title of the book:

“Soul Murder – Child Abuse and Deprivation” By LL Shengold – 1989

Needles to say, I had to read it!

To summarize the book a bit:

“Soul murder involves the deliberate traumatization or deprivation by an authority (parent) of his charge (child). The victim is robbed of his identity and of the ability to maintain authentic feelings. Soul murder remains effective if the capacity to think and to know has been sufficiently interfered with—by way of brainwashing – Paradoxically, in order to survive and adjust, some of these people so traumatized as children develop unusual strengths and gifts.”

While this book is highly clinical, I began to unravel and understand what eighteen years living in a house of shame and abuse did to me. Tommy, Tom, or Thomas was soul murdered and the imposter, named Shame had taken his place.

This is not a hopeless story. Yes, it had been a story of physical and psychological abuse and years of despair and deprivation. But my story is actually very much hope-filled. I hope the telling of my story may be the catalyst for you, too, to find hope and healing.

My Safe House

Almost every spy thriller or story of espionage has a safe house. Well, at ten years old, I had my safe house, too. Only, it’s not the safe house of spy movies, filled with firearms, passports, and bags of currency. Nope, my safe house was church!

Church was the only place my mother couldn’t hurt me—even if she was within a swift and accurate backhand to my face, she wouldn’t dare strike me. I learned that Church was not only a safe place for an abused little boy but also a safe place for fake and phony people, like my mommy dearest. Churches rarely will preach, if at all, against child abuse within the home. I think partly because far too many pastors abuse their own families for the sake of “ministry.”

One thing you learn in a shamed-based family is that sometimes moms or both parents will use their children as props. For some children, like me, being a “prop” can destroy your sense of “me” to where you are nothing more than an image or an appendage of your mother. If it sounds incestuous, then you’re correct because it is. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature to be incestuous. For me, it meant that I, along with my siblings, were used for our mother’s psychological and physical pleasure. We were all adornments that added to our mother’s glittering image. We were less than human. We were little shame-bots who obeyed our mother’s abusive shaming tactics.

There was no greater day of the week for my mother to excel in her fakery than on Sunday. Sunday was my mother’s morning masquerade! She would dress us five boys with button-down shirts, ties, sports coats, spit-polished wingtip shoes, and our hair plastered perfectly with Dippity-doo hair gel of the Sixties and Seventies! My little and only sister was dressed like Shirley Temple! Boy, but we were a real hit in Church! We looked, and, albeit forcibly so, played our parts as the “perfect Christian family” like trained little monkeys!

The fake “perfect Christian family” persona only hid the shame and abuse of all six of us siblings. While Church was my safe house, just like safe houses in spy thrillers, sooner or later, the bad guys crash it. Somehow, my mommy dearest found a way of shaming me in Church with a look that said, “wait till I get you home!”

My New Name

With the name, Shame, so indelibly written into my psyche, a name and identity change were impossible for me. Even though I became a Christian at my safe house, Bethany Baptist Church in Martinez, California, nothing changed in the Koester House of Shame.

I want you to understand that it’s not the house of shame in a family or church that needs to change. We do. Yes, some churches can become a house of shame also. After all, churches are made up of families, too, and ideally, are to become one healthy family. However, like dysfunctional and shamed-based families, sadly, some churches and religious organizations can also be shame-based. You should remove yourself from a shamed-based family and church in order to get healthy.

When you get healthy and free from a shame-based culture, family, or church, you will make healthier decisions, and you’ll see more clearly. Clearly enough to walk with God and maybe a godly counselor and begin the healing process.

My New Life

As I began to grow in my faith and reading of Scripture, I learned that my real worth and identity come from my Creator, God. In spite of what many people believe, God is not the “great shamer” in the sky. He’s not abusive or unjust. When Jesus of Nazareth began his public ministry, he walked into a synagogue, opened up a scroll handed to him, and read the following from the Prophet Isaiah:

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to preach good tidings unto those who are cast down; to bind up the wounds of the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those that are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to order in Zion those that mourn, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of despair.”

When I first read this, light came bursting into my darkened prison cell of shame! You see, Church is not an end to a means, but the means to an end of shame and abuse. Church is where I met the God of my Salvation and the Healer of my murdered soul! A good and healthy Church not only preaches the Gospel (“Gospel” is a Greek word used in the Bible, which means “Good News”). But a healthy church is a fellowship and family of broken people becoming whole together. It’s not a recovery group, per se; it’s a group of humble people living a restored and recovered life! Jesus himself promised that if we believe him, we will have life:

“The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” –John 10:10

“Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.” –John 11:25

Do you see how this is such good news to a broken, abused, and shamed little boy, as me?

God took away the imposter’s name of Shame and bestowed a new name upon me; I am God’s restored and Beloved Son! He healed my broken heart, set me free from captivity, opened my prison doors of shame and despair, and resurrected my murdered soul! My identity and worth is better than restored—I’m a new creation—fully pardoned for all my sins and clothed in Jesus’s righteousness. I’m no longer dressed to impress my mother, her peers, or her friends.

I AM FREE!

My name is Thomas James Koester

Shame no longer lives here!

The Power of Forgiveness – A True Story – By Thomas J. Koester

“Reconciliation Starts Here – Forgiveness Starts Here–This is Why it is Such A Powerful Weapon”

Christ came to reconcile our past and future so that we may live real and abundant lives in the present. Time and forgetfulness can not heal old wounds. This is why Christ announced his anointing through the reading of Isaiah 61:

“The Sovereign Lord is upon me and has anointed me to preach good news to the spiritual poor and impoverished, to heal the broken hearted; setting captives free, and proclaiming release for the imprisoned.”

Yes, he came for our salvation, but he also came for our healing; to release us from our captivities and to set us free from our bondages. All of these things are from our past. The above list is most often what has happened to us, and Christ is ready to go there with you.

I was the guest speaker at a men’s retreat a few years ago for a men’s group from a church that I had not visited or was I familiar with. At the opening of the retreat, I was introduced to all the men in the group, and one of the men was familiar to me. I introduced myself to this gentleman, and I immediately recalled that this was the man who had molested me as a child, some forty six years earlier.

What ended up happening was nothing short of a miracle and the beauty of the Kingdom of God – peace between the lion and the lamb was about to occur. God had given me the message of reconciliation and forgiveness a few days before the retreat. But before God would allow me to share this message, he asked me to reconcile with that man now, and at that moment, and to forgive him before I do anything else.

So, with God’s grace and power, I cooperated with His Spirit of forgiveness and mercy. I had kept this man’s offense to myself and proceeded with the rest of the retreat. I walked with God into my past. Christ Jesus brought us peace, healing, freedom, and release. Chains fell off that weekend, and a new friendship was born.

Later, I learned that this man had become a Christian shortly after he had molested me so many decades ago. But, until I had forgiven him, I was buried under a mountain of shame.

God, through Christ Jesus, is reconciling the world back to God and even our past. Sometimes, his Spirit of Grace brings us backward to reconcile past hurts, past captivities, and past imprisonments. Whether it’s us behind the bars of hatred and unforgiveness, or the whether we’re the jailer, holding the keys for someone else’s past offenses. We have a divine weapon against fear, hatred, and bitterness, and its called forgiveness!

Through the Men’s Retreat, God had shown me that we can only stumble over our past if it is left in a state of unforgiveness and left unreconciled. Because God is eternal, the Alpha and Omega, he exists in our past, present, and future. The works of Christ, destroying the works of the Devil in all the areas and seasons of our lives, are both completed and ongoing in a multidimensional way, unhindered by time and place.

All governments are upon his shoulders. The expanse of his Kingdom shall know no end. He is the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6. He is there all the time, and in every area of our lives, past, present, and future, but you must believe and obey Him and listen to His voice.

I can not stress how significant the voice of the Lord is and how important it is to listen, follow, and obey. Read the Bible as though it’s written to you first before anyone else. You’ll then know what to do and how to do it.

“He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what the Lord requires of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God.” – Micah 6:8

We can enter into our future with triumph, because Jesus Christ has triumphed over our pasts, and if we work with him, he will bring us to the place of forgiveness, even forgiveness for our past enemies, abusers, and those who’ve betrayed our hearts. It worked out for me, and it can work out for you too!

Forgiveness is such a powerful weapon for good!

God presented me with the opportunity at that retreat – God did not force me to forgive. He simply set up the circumstances. I could’ve gone on hating the perpetrator, exposing him to public shame, condemnation, and ridicule. But hatred condemnation, shame, and self-ridicule were the same mountain on top of me, too.

God softened my heart and Jesus gentley lead me to the cross, and there, at His cross, in a miraculous way, both of our mountains were removed, our hearts softened and forgiveness was granted to us both.

Journey with God, as he leads you, and do not dismiss your past, but have the courage and faith to follow Him wherever he takes you.

Maybe the circumstance that you’re presented with here and now is your opportunity to also give and receive forgiveness.

I can promise you this, when you forgive it’s because God is already there.

“Reconciliation Starts Here – Forgiveness Starts Here – This is Why it is Such A Powerful Weapon.”

Adjust Your Trust | How To Triumph In Difficult Times – By Thomas J. Koester

God has promised not to give us more than we can bear

This goes for both crisis and blessings. The truth is that God will not allow either crisis or blessings to destroy us. We forget that God intimately knows our limits, and he works within the unseen and unknowable boundaries of our individual lives.

Many of us break apart too soon, and so miss what God is doing through the crisis, or we cap off his blessings too early because of false humility.

You see, we miss out on transformation and glorification because we doubt God’s heart. We give too much power to the Devil, and so, diminish the greatness of God and his working in our lives.

We need to adjust our trust!

Our trust must be unconditional in God, or our trust in him will fail on the day of uncertainty and crisis.

The Prophet Isaiah puts it this way:
I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things. –Isaiah 45:7

Job discusses this dilemma with his wife…

… His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

Job replies, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not evil?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. –Job 2:9-10

You see, we need to adjust our trust as to the unchangeable nature of who God is and not to how our circumstances make us feel. God is in control of absolutely everything, and He wants us to be masters over evil, rather than evil mastering over us.

God explains to Cain:

“What’s with this tirade and sulking? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” –Gen. 4:7

Our feelings are uncertain and always changing, but God is a sure foundation. He’s not controlled by emotions. We need to unconditionally trust God’s heart. Not at all easy, but real and authentic trust requires genuine faith.

If you consistently adjust your trust to what you feel, you end up inviting the Devil to be the interpreter of your crisis. He would have you curse God and die rather than die to your false imaginations and feelings and live. The Devil is a trickster and a hustler of all sorts of feelings.

An unwavering trusting child of God, no matter the circumstances, is a destroyer of evil and an unquenchable light in the most darkest night!

Shine brightly, my dear brothers and sisters!

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. –Isaiah 9:6

By the way, the above verse is now all in present tense!

Adjust Your Trust in the Unchangeable and Everlasting Father. He is The Wonderful Counselor, God of the Angel Armies, and The Prince of Peace!

Adjust your trust in God – it’s all on His shoulders and not yours…

… And your life will become radiant as you triumph through difficulties. All because God knows what he’s doing, and you belong to him. After all, you are His responsibility!

Tears of Sweet Nothing – The Unseen One – By Thomas J. Koester

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn, through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache is written in your book.” –Psalms 56:8

“He has not forgotten the one who is hurting. He has not turned away from his suffering. He has not turned his face away from him. He has listened to his cry for help.” –Psalms 22:24

Our family consisted of eight people, and we lived in our tiny 1400-square-foot, four-bedroom, two-bath home in a housing development in Martinez, CA. I lived there from late 1965 until July 1978.

During those years, I was forced to share a bedroom with my older brother Jeffrey, who is only sixteen months older than me. I had always thought it was a mistake for our parents to room Jeffery and me together, as we constantly fought and were at each other’s throats!

But at the same time, we were both there for each other, especially after we both were terribly beaten, sometimes separately, and at times together, we were lashed, punched, or kicked. During Those moments, Jeffrey and I would become friends and assuage each other’s wounds or share our complaints and anger about what had happened and the unfairness of it all. And maybe our brief times of fellowship and friendship were based on the principle: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Still, Jeffrey helped me as my older brother by caring for me when I was abused.

At times, we’d become fellow cellmates, imprisoned in our bedroom together for hours or perhaps for an entire day. However, I think Jeffrey had it much worse than me, if you can believe it!

At ten years of age, my life began to exhibit evidence of being soul murdered. Although physically alive, my trust and sense of safety were nearly gone. I was incapable of bonding and receiving love or belonging to anyone. The hole this created in me was too broad and deep for any human to fill. I was unwanted and unloved. The abuse was so horrific that it impacted my identity.

During those abusive years, I developed new titles: The Discarded One, The Disgraceful One, and the Unwanted One, which began to dictate my life and identity. My mother bestowed those titles upon me during her fits of rage.

I became a lost boy, un-fathered and un-mothered by nurture and love. My home was my house of horrors. I found solace in living a secret life of fantasy and daydreaming, similar to the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye called: “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”

In elementary school, I would sit there, daydreaming of some incredible feat or be far away on a voyage to uncharted islands of mystery. I always imagined myself as the hero.

After my father had passed away, I found a bundle of old report cards. One report card from my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Dodd, stood out. On the back of the report card was written a personal note to my parents:

“Thomas just seems to sit here in class, daydreaming.”

Growing up, you were always guilty in our home and never allowed the opportunity to plead your innocence. Even if one of my siblings tattled on me, it would often end up with a beating or punishment. The only thing protecting each of us from excessive tattling was the military doctrine of “Mutual Assured Beatings!” Even the tattler could be swept up in our mother’s rage, suffering a beating, too! So, we used tattling sparingly.

This created a hypersensitivity to injustice, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Even today, I am acutely sensitive to injustice against myself and others.

“Fate, it seems, is not without its sense of irony,” said Morpheus in the movie, “The Matrix.”
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Like Neo, the movie’s central character, he was powerless and a slave to a programmed existence. My “sense of irony” showed up in my career choices. I believe my sensitivity to injustice is why I have successfully settled claims on behalf of fire and water damage victims. I am empathetic to individuals and families being abused by Impersonal insurance companies that place shareholders above policyholders.

So, unknown to me, the terrible injustice I suffered as a child had fatefully trained me for my vocation. Perhaps it is more likely that the sense of irony is not fate, but rather, I became attracted to my career choices because of parental abuse and their unjust treatment.

Had there been an actual “Morpheus” in my life, it would have been so helpful to extricate me from the matrix of horrors. But, in fact, there was. This is why my hopeless story is so hope-filled. The name “Morpheus” actually means: ‘He who shapes.’ As you read on, you will learn through my story that there has indeed been, and continues to be, a “Morpheus” in my life.

Nevertheless, an undeniable force is shaping me through a maze of pain and struggle of good and bad days to a present joy-filled life, which now I would never trade or abandon. It would be like saying to a diamond, “Turn back into coal,” or to a pearl, “Turn back into a grain of sand.” I’m still in the “rough,” so to speak, and in between two extremes: the lightness of joy and contentment and the weightiness of pain and agony.

This precise pressure point masterfully creates diamonds of joy and the pearls of contentment within my life. Pain is never the product of this process, but joy and happiness are. Pain and agony are elements necessary to produce “suffering,” which produces eternal qualities and degrees of character that can not be developed in any other way.

So, in a nutshell, “Don’t waste your suffering!” It is the process of suffering that can lead to a fulfilling life! And so it is, I believe, for you, too. Your story is not an endless season of reruns but of purposeful and significant meaning.

“Rest, the answers are coming…” Said Morpheus to a perplexed and doubting Thomas Anderson at the beginning of his transformation into “Neo.”

By the way, you are transforming, and what that is will be revealed in time. The process you are in may be painful and even hopeless, but everything good and true, of worth and value, comes with pain and suffering. It is all a part of living and transforming. Until then, my dear friend, “Rest, the answers are coming…”

Be brave enough to journey into your past. Not alone like you have so many times before; no, this time, journey back with God. Invite Him into your past as your guide, comforter, and healer. Ask Him for wisdom and understanding. Then, prepare yourself to forgive those who’ve wounded and harmed you. Forgiveness is pivotal. Without it, you’ll remain imprisoned and tormented.

This was the journey that I took and am still on. This is how I learned the importance of forgiveness and the value of tears. Tears are the beginning of transforming from The Unseen One to God’s Beloved One.

God bless you on your journey!

Those Are The Things Worth Believin In – By Thomas J. Koester

A life where there’s no believin’ is a life where there’s no livin’.

Have you noticed lately that the things worth believin in are quickly disappearing?

Sadly, many marriages and romances are vanishing. I’m not talking about Hollywood’s shallow relationships but marriages of our friends and family members. I think marriages fail because people, once in love, stopped believin in the important things.

It’s not about the type of groom we were during the wedding. That’s the easy part. That day was fanciful, romantic, and ceremonial. It’s the kind of man that we’ve become in the crucible of marriage, and while the ceremony has long since faded, romance and passion are still alive and well. That’s the sign of a good marriage and of a good man. We need more good men and healthy marriages these days.

A good man brings out the best in his woman. Likewise, a good woman does the same for her man. A marriage becomes ugly when we forget those things.

I love the movie “Secondhand Lions,” starring Robert Duvall. It’s a movie rich with quotable dialog.

“… True love never dies. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. A man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believin in.”

True love never dies. It’s certainly true of our faith, isn’t it? Christ’s love for his Bride will never die, neither his love for you, if you believe in those things, and in Him, because, “those things are worth believin in.”

As a matter of fact, it’s Christ in us, which makes us into a good man and a good woman. And, the trinity of Jesus, a man, and a woman together as one creates an unbeatable marriage.

The reason why so many good marriages fail is when one or both walk away from Jesus as the center of their individual lives and the center of their marriage. The reason why the world hates marriage is because it is the physical manifestation of the Holy Trinity. It is a Living example of Christ loving the Church and giving up His life for her, His Bride.

“I’m Hub McCann. I’ve fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I’ve seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I’ve won and lost a dozen fortunes, KILLED MANY MEN and loved only one woman with a passion a FLEA like you could never begin to understand. That’s who I am!” The movie, “Second Hand Lions”

Who are you?

What kind of Man are you?

What kind of woman are you?

When you have no firm identity, you have only weakness against the things out to destroy your love for your wife or husband. You have very little strength to fight the enemy of your relationship with God.

So goes your relationship with God, so goes everything else!

A good and lasting marriage vitally depends on your relationship to God through Jesus Christ. Remember? It’s the three-fold cord of Christ Jesus, a man, and a woman. That’s your superpower against the enemy of your marriage.

Don’t settle for the passion of a flea. Have the passion of a ferocious lover, willing to surrender and sacrifice your life for the one you love and for God, the Lover of your soul.

I know that so many of you, even my close friends, have given up on their marriages and God. You’ve walked away searching for meaning, significance, and identity. You’ll not find it in another lover if you never had it with the one you left.

You’ll only find meaning, significance, and identity in God. Not in sex, romance, and one-nighters. Turn back to Him, and turn back to your First Love.

“These are the things worth believin in.”

So, don’t be a flea brain! Believe in the things worth believin in.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

The Cancellation of All Curses – By Thomas J. Koester

Over the past three decades, I have been curious to learn about the wounds I’ve suffered during my youth and formative years.

It’s not what will happen to you that will change your life, I spoke out one night of lecturing, but rather, what happened long ago has already changed your life.

The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice. It changes a child’s psyche, distorting their inner soul and eating away their future. Harsh words from mom and dad have tremendous prophetic meaning to a child.

And because of those words, you’ve been living a different trajectory. You’re living out a life that you were not meant to live. You’re living a cursed life.

While young and innocent, most of us knowingly or perhaps unknowingly have made life-changing vows or agreements while amid abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. While eliciting powerful emotions of hate, anger, bitterness, or rage, these past hurts or wounds can conjure dark agreements with the Father of Lies.

John 8:44 says that all lies come from the Father of Lies, who is the Devil.

The devil’s strategy is to get us to make these dark vows and live from them. He uses the most important people in our lives to originate these lies. Some of these lies are:

You’re no good.
You’re unloveable.
You’re too ugly.
You’re too fat.
You’re too skinny.
You’re too stupid.
You’re a loser.
No one will ever want you.
You’ll always be a failure, etc.

And one that I heard all my life growing up was:

“What’s wrong with you?!?”

The list can be pretty long, and the voices of others soon become our voices, echoing self-deprecating and ugly curses over our hearts and minds—eating away at our future.

Unknowingly, our parents can speak the devil’s curses and lies over us at a time when we were mythical, fanciful, and magical of heart. Because children can believe the unbelievable, curses and lies become part of their identity and belief system. They end up living them out like prophecies written in ancient manuscripts. These “prophecies” direct their lives, careers, and relationships.

To bring healing to these past wounds and nullify the agreements is a path that only a few have taken. Even though freedom and wholeness are possible, many of us prefer to live in the seclusion and cover of darkness and duplicity. We’ve come too far or lived too long with our false persona; the mere thought of dismissing or exposing our poser-selves is too frightening.

So, we pose, playing hide and seek at work, home, and church. The longer we play this nightmarish game, the more hardened and sadistic we become to our wounded hearts and souls.

This process continues until we become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, and lies. Or, perhaps our drug of choice is our reputation or religiosity. Maybe we’ve masqueraded for so long that we’re lost even to ourselves!

The stress of chronic fakery is as deadly as a heart attack and a silent killer, just as hypertension and high blood pressure can kill you. Why, we’re simply a walking time bomb of contradictions, lies, and hypocrisies.

Oh, my dear friend, there is such hope, so I am writing to you. Please read on.

Isaiah has said, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” Isaiah 5:20.

Jesus said, “… And if the light you think you have is darkness, how deep that darkness is!” Matthew 6:23.

I know all about this. This was and is my life. It is both my past and my journey. There is a redeemer and a healer. He is pursuing you, not to judge you, but to redeem, heal, and restore you to who you were meant to be!

Your True Father wants you back. As the late Brennen Manning has so often quoted:

“God accepts you as you are and not as you should be. Because you’re never going to be as you should be.”

The Good News is that it’s God’s responsibility to transform you as you should be.

Transformation is not your wife’s job, boss’s, or best friend’s — it’s not your pastor’s or priest’s job or any self-help guru’s to change you. It is the job of a loving God, who’s waiting for you to call out to him; “Abba,” “Papa,” or “Daddy,” or even “Father-God.”

The only way to the Father is through the Son. And it is the Son, Jesus Christ, who’s taken upon himself all the curses and dark vows ever spoken in any language and tongue against us, so that we may be loved rather than destroyed.

Do you see this? God can make your life awesome, if you allow him to take away all the crap, hurts, wounds, and pain inside of you.

Oh, and it can be taken away! All the guilt, shame, and self-loathing—all the self-hatred and hatred of others can be removed. All the self-doubts and doubting of others, all the lost trust of self and others, and the cynical and diabolic distrust and suspicion can, and will be gone!

Just say this prayer out loud, or even in a whisper:

Dear Jesus Christ, I stand before you, exposed, scared, ashamed, and afraid. I have lived a sinful life and have hurt myself and others. I confess to you my wrongdoings, my mistakes, and my faults. I acknowledge my need for forgiveness from you and my need to forgive others. I also forgive myself for the harm that I’ve done to me. I believe in your Word of Truth and that you lived a sinless life, died on a cross of suffering because you took upon yourself all my sin, all the curses spoken over me, and all my wrongdoings. You were buried in a tomb and were raised to life on the third day, making it possible for me to be forgiven and to have a new life, new hope, and a future. I believe these things in my heart, and I confess and acknowledge them with my mouth to be saved and redeemed. I am now your true son or daughter, and I can now call you my Abba-Father as you have put your Spirit into my transformed and purified heart forever and ever. Thank you for my salvation and healing in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Now, live a new life and understand that you now belong to God as his child, and you’ve become his responsibility. He is no dead-beat-dad. He is a Mighty God, an Everlasting Father, a Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. All authority is upon his shoulders, and His Kingdom shall know no end.

Welcome home to a loving God and an incredible Savior!

The danger is to do nothing. Doing nothing is to remain in darkness and under curses and false agreements. Do something with your new life and truly live! No longer agree with the dark voices in the back of your mind. Instead, reject their curses and evil thoughts in the Name and Authority of Jesus Christ!

Give the Father of Lies an Eviction Notice and cancel all your curses!

It’s All Just Cornflakes – By Thomas J. Koester

Toni and I often talk about life changes, boundaries, and priorities. But family always tops our list.

Watching our children grow up, getting married, and seeing them succeed in their careers is what brings us joy. But what’s much more important is their relationships with each other and their commitment to our family and to the families they’re building.

The older I get, inching closer to the end of life, the irony is that it forces you to live a more meaningful life now, or at least it should. To wait until retirement to prioritize family is a sad mistake that I think too many make.

We do need to die, in some respects, to those things which promote death and live more towards those things which promote life. It’s like choosing between bacon, which I love, but it fosters death, and beansprouts, which I hate but promote life. However, living life on hospital food is certainly no fun either. So, we strive for a balance. And, this is what my brush with death has taught me.

The movie “Click,” with Adam Sandler, has some great truths running through it, along with its great humor and satire.

Morty (The Angel of Death), played by Christopher Walken, tells Michael Newman, played by Adam Sandler, who’s fast-forwarding his way through life with an enchanted TV clicker:

Morty remarks:

“He’s always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it’s just cornflakes.”

Towards the end of the movie (WARNING SPOILER ALERT), Michael finally gets it and cries out, in his throes of death:

Michael Newman: [dying] “Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST.”

Isn’t it so true? Family should come first, and I can promise, in the very moment when life is quickly or slowly draining from your body, it’s family that first comes to your mind…

… I want to see our two grandchildren, with Josh and Jenny, grow up.

Oh my goodness, it’s Tessa’s 24th birthday, and I will miss it!

Tears began rolling down my face as I saw those moments of life fast-forwarding before me. That was my wake-up call at 2:30 in the morning, Friday, October 11, 2013, as I sat in triage at the Sonora Adventist Hospital all alone, and when the reality of “heart attack” was suggested by the ER physician.

I wanted to exchange “I love you” with my wife and children again! I wanted to see who’d become my son, Jordan’s wife, and welcome her into our family.

I confess that not one of my projects, clients, or deadlines entered my mind while facing the prospect of a heart attack. Not one more contract signing or one more insurance settlement, which I have to face, is most likely what put me in the hospital in the first place.

As it turned out, it wasn’t a heart attack, but me, attacking my heart because of too many “yeses” and not enough “nos.” My physician told me that too much stress could cause cardiac arrest.

I need to say a serious “YES” to life and a meaningful “NO” to death. It’s the wrong choices in those subtle moments that can soon pile up into a health crisis. It is all those times when the tyranny of less critical things overrules the more essential things of life.

“Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no; anything more than that is from the Evil One.” Matthew 5:37 – Jesus of Nazareth

I don’t think striving to love your family correctly, keeping your promises, being home on time for dinner, or kissing your wife and kids goodbye in the morning has put anybody into the hospital.

Proverbs 4:23 says it best: “Guard your heart more than anything else because the source of life flows from it.”

It’s the redeemed heart where God lives that is our source of life. This, too, is where our families live and dwell. This is also where the love of our life resides. Work should never enter our hearts the way God and our loved ones do, for it will always push God, family, and our loved ones out! Guard your heart more than anything else! Not your reputation, ego, pride, or being right—but your HEART!

Our misplaced priorities will always attack what truly matters to our hearts and, if ignored, may eventually cause you to attack your heart, like I did.

So, my new motto for life:

“Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST!”

In this, we find all the treasures of life, and it’s those relationships and memories that are worth living and fighting for.

After all, everything else, “at the end of the day, is just cornflakes!”

Breaking The Gravitational Force of Doubt – By Thomas J. Koester

Doubt is the gravitational force that keeps you from piercing through the atmosphere of the impossible.

Doubt is a killer of dreams and all that gives your life meaning.

Your faith is the rocket fuel that allows you to violate the forces of nature, doubt, and even physics.

Faith destroys doubt despite fear.

Faith in the ability and will of God can only win when you reject all other options. The more primary your faith becomes, the more God can do through your faith.

Are you asking God how? Author John Eldredge has written that “the question how?” is faithless. The question “how” can cause a failure in launching your faith and your ability to break through the gravitational forces of doubt…

… God wants your immediate obedience because this shows how much you trust him for all the unseen details.

When you break the gravitational forces of doubt, angels gather in excited anticipation, and demons become unsettled and defeated.

Now, do what you’ve been called to do. Sometimes, the equipping and provisions are developed during the journey, and this, too, will cause your faith to soar.

What are you waiting for?

You already have permission from God’s Word to do the impossible. When you step out to do the impossible, God shows himself in each impossible step. His miracles become the breadcrumbs for others to follow and a testimonial to your faith and to God’s faithfulness.

Doubt is a killer of trust and belief. Doubt keeps your relationships shallow and creates distance between you, God, and eternity.

You will never enjoy life to the fullest or know the depth of God until your trust becomes bigger than your doubt.

Break through the gravitational force of doubt. Until you do, you’ll never know your true purpose in life—You’ll never see the impossible happen.

When Toni and I were called to do the impossible, the doubters came out of the woodwork! Not because they were afraid for us but because they were afraid of us. Doubters love doubters, but those who break free from the gravitational force of doubt are a threat to their excuses.

A Man And God’s Mission – By Thomas J. Koester

Never trust the gift more than the Giver!

Many years ago, August 4, 1984, to be exact; God called Toni and I to Youth With A Mission (YWAM). We needed $4,500.00 tuition for the Discipleship Training School and traveling money from California to the city of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada, some 3,500 mile distance.

We embarked on our cross-country journey with our two small children, Josh and Jordan. Toni and I had only $300.00 cash and a gas and oil guzzling, 1973 Chevy station wagon. Needless to say, we were over $5,000.00 short. Yet, we truly believed that God would provide.

On our way to Canada, and after driving all night, the following morning, an 18-wheeler hit our car clocked by a Nevada State Trooper doing 90 miles per hour! The truck burst into flames on impact, skidding 600 feet before it exploded, catapulting debris 100 feet in the air! The impact to our Chevy station wagon thrusted us while inside our large vehicle, up the steep embankment, some thirty feet!

The truck driver jumped out safely, seconds before his rigg exploded! Later, the State Trooper told us that the truck driver had dosed off, which was why he collided into our car. Miraculously, none of us were seriously hurt, even though our Chevy station wagon was totaled. Our trip to Canada appeared to be cut short.

I put my family up in a Motel 6 in Elko Nevada, using part of the $300.00 we had started out with to cover the hotel expense. Yes, my wife and I were confused and dismayed, but soon experienced God’s peace over the crisis.

Within 24 hours of the accident, we received a knock on our hotel room door. It was an insurance adjuster, representing the trucking company responsible for the accident.

The adjuster wrote Toni and I a check for $25,000.00! At that time, it was more money than I had ever held or seen! Way more than enough for our YWAM tuition and traveling expenses!

Since our car was totaled, we took a bus ride to Salt Lake, Utah, to eventually catch a flight. While staying at another hotel, It was the next morning that God took me to a passage of Scripture:

“Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: Since you have forgotten me and turned your back on me, you must bear the consequences…’ — Ezekiel 23:35

This verse popped up three times within 24 hours! It took me a while, but I began to understand what God was saying. Because we had received such a large sum of money that our faith and trust shifted, ever so slightly, from God to the money. In other words, we put our trust in the gift and not the Giver.

Later that morning, I lost my wallet with all the money in it! That Ezekiel verse kept echoing in my mind. Fortunately, I had kept part of the $25,000 settlement in the form of a certified check for $4,500.00, the rest in cash. But the certified check was also in my wallet!

You see, it is so easy and subtle to shift our trust and focus in God to other things. Because God loves us and that he’s a good and faithful Father, he won’t leave us in our sins. He corrects every son and daughter he loves.

Two weeks after we had arrived in Quebec, Canada, the Salt Lake Police Department in Utah sent me a letter, asking me to call or write back and describe the wallet’s contents. I want you to know that I didn’t have time to file a lost wallet report, and nothing in my wallet could’ve led the police to our temporary stop in Quebec. I still have this letter!

It was an absolute miracle that the Salt Lake Police Department found Toni and I while staying on a dairy farm in Quebec, Canada! I still, to this day, do not know how they found us!

Everything was still there in my wallet, except the $20,500.00 cash. Fortunately for us, the Canadian exchange rate in 1984 was 130%. Turning that certified check from $4,500.00 to $5,850.00! Because we had repented and adjusted our hearts, God gave us back just enough. As a matter of fact, because of God’s faithfulness, we were the only students who paid the required tuition in a lump sum!

When God calls us to obedience, he also provides the essentials. For us, his essentials came after each stage of obedience. The miracles were His way of rewarding our faith. Just like a father rewarding his son for doing a good job—God delights in our obedience!

I want you to know that when God calls a man, our response is critical. If we ignore His purpose for our lives, He sees this as rebellion—as stubbornness, which, God can be quick to show His displeasure. Just like He did for me, when I shifted my focus to money and away from Him.

Author and speaker John Eldredge has written that God wants you and me to become His “intimate ally.” He invites you and me to join Him in an adventure—a mission, if you will—a divine purpose that He uniquely planned for us. His mission is so critical for us that He planned it in every detail before He laid the foundations of the earth!

Dudes, did you just hear what I said?

Whether your name is John, Gary, David, or Steve, God thought of you, planned for you, and created a unique purpose for you outside of space, matter, and before time began! Let that sink in for just a moment—you matter so much to God, that you were, and are, in His thoughts, before He created the world and before you were even a twinkle in you parent’s hopes and dreams!

What will you do with this information? Don’t you want to connect with God’s mission for your life and His glory?

I can promise you this; when you do discover God’s divine purpose for your life, it will blow your mind so powerfully that your only response is to weep, tears of deep satisfaction and humility!

That’s what happened to me, I know God wants it to happen for you, too.

When I was twenty-one, my father-in-law, Gary Waltz, took me out to lunch to depart some fatherly wisdom into me, as I was about to become a father. One of the things he spoke to me didn’t make any sense at the time. He said, “Tom, you may never become a good speaker, but you will become a great writer.” By the way, I also became a public speaker!

Honestly, being a speaker or a writer wasn’t even on my radar. I was about to become a father, and that in itself was terrifying enough!

So, in 1981, my father-in-law spoke over my future, and in 2006, over twenty-five years later, it became true! Let’s take a look at a passage in Romans:

“As the Scriptures say, “I have made you a father of many nations.” This is true before God, the one Abraham believed—the God who gives life to the dead and speaks of things that don’t yet exist as if they are real.” Romans 4:17

God used my father-in-law to plant a seed of mission and purpose into my heart and soul. This mission was planned by God, our Creator, before He created our world!

So, back to the year 2006, around Spring time…

… I was about 46 years old when I had met a few people at a ministerial conference. I was there because my brother-in-law, Dwayne DeFount, known by most of you; he and I had started a men’s ministry titled Call To Courage. It was for that reason I was invited.

One of the individuals I had met was an editor of a bi-monthly publication titled America’s Good News, newspaper. We discussed nothing more than brief pleasantries and answered a few questions about our new men’s ministry.

A few days later, I received an unexpected call from a staff person from the newspaper. They invited me to become a columnist and to join the newspaper as a regular writer! I was shocked! I spoke to no one about writing, nor was it on my mind! I acted like I knew what all this meant. The staff-person explained what type and size font to use, how many words to include in each article, and the submission deadlines. Then the call ended.

As I hung up my phone, I placed my face into my hands and burst into tears! Tears, not of fear or sadness, but tears from an unexplored depth within my heart and soul! Those tears were of great humility and of purposeful fulfillment.

God had united His divine purpose and mission, for which He had planned before space, matter, and time existed, to be His writer!
Now, do you see why it was so important for my father-in-law to plant God’s seed of mission and purpose into my life, so many years, prior? My father-in-law didn’t have a clue what and why he said that I was to become a writer, but God did.

Remember Romans 4:17?

“… Abraham believed—the God who gives life to the dead and speaks of things that don’t yet exist as if they are real.”

That is exactly what God did to me. He spoke those “things that were not yet, as if they are real!”

And this is why I’m here, speaking with you young men and even the older men here today. God has planned a mission or missions for you, too. I know this as I know the sun will rise in the East and settle in the West.

No man here today, in this place, at this moment and time is missionless or without divine purpose. As a matter of theological fact, you being here tonight was so ordered by God! This message was crafted, especially for you! You were and are in the mind and heart of God before He spoke the world into existence. In His timing, the seed He planted into the depths of your heart and soul is either being watered or harvested in you this night.

God longs for you to join Him in His adventurous mission for your life and for you to become His trusted and intimate ally. God trains the stouthearted during the journey. He looks for men, like you, who’ll not ask the faithless question about how? but will be brave enough to ask, when?

When God? I am willing. I know you are able. Prepare me as you have done with the men of Scripture. So that one day you will say to me, “… we’ll done my good and faithful servant.”

Oh, and remember to never trust the gift more than the Giver! Amen