“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” –Peggy O’Mara
A father’s likes, for example, sports, politics, music, or cars, etc., becomes the language in which a father speaks to his children and which they speak to themselves.
The fact that many fathers do not listen with their hearts is why so many sons and daughters remain disconnected from their dads. His children may not like sports, politics, or music, etc., and therefore have nothing to say. I meet so many people obsessed with sports, politics, drugs, drinking, etc., because this is the only way that they can relate to or speak with their fathers.
Many people have no idea as to why they like or do these things, and rarely make the connection that they do these things because this was their father’s language – this is how they’ve learned to gain their father’s approval, acceptance, and his attention.
My father’s language was politics and technology. I found myself learning all I could about current political events and the latest technological gadget, so I would have something to say to my dad. I wanted my father’s approval — his acceptance and respect, so I learned his language. The sad part is that my relationship with my father was always in the shallows and never at the level and depth of heart and soul. Sadly, this became my language also between my own sons and daughter.
One day, I inspected a water-damaged home in Antioch, California, with the homeowner and his family present. All the decorations in the kitchen, family room, and master bedroom were covered with San Francisco 49er’s paraphernalia – I mean, it was everywhere! After I was completed with my task, the husband asked me:
“So, do you watch sports? … what do you think of those 49ers?”
I replied:
I don’t watch or like sports all that much.
His facial expression intimated shock and amazement!
I further replied:
… You like sports because this was the only way you could speak with your father and gain his attention and approval.
I glanced at his wife, and her face suddenly lit up with shock!
She quickly replied:
“MY GOSH, THAT’S SO TRUE!”
The husband just stood there, with his mouth opened, with the expression as though his best friend had just died!
You begin to learn how powerful for good, or evil, our father’s likes, especially when they become the mechanism of speech or language with their children. Right? Just as Peggy O’Mara wrote,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
The Bible points this out in the last book of the Old Testament, and in the very last two verses:
“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” –Malachi 4: 5-6.
Do you see?
If the fathers do not turn their hearts to their children, the earth will be cursed. What curses the world is silent fathers and fathers that do not speak from their hearts. This, in turn, causes children not to speak from their hearts also. Instead, their relationship with their dads is in the shallows. Very little, to no life pass from the father to their children. Sadly, this lack of transaction creates an emotional and relational deficit from generation to generation.
Proverbs 4: 23 puts it this way:
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.”
If you’re a father, change the language from sports, politics, or anything that keeps your relationship with your kids in shallow places and listen and speak from your heart. From your heart flows the springs of life. Your kids can’t live successful, healthy, and full lives without the spring of life from your heart. Your words and language matter. It’s a matter of life and death!
We dads have the power of life and death in our speech with our kids, young or old. Our words have the power to build or destroy the future of our children. It is never too late to speak from our hearts.
Help build your children’s future and speak the language of love.
“Fathers, don’t irritate your children and make them resentful; instead, raise them with the Lord’s kind of discipline and guidance.” – Ephesians 6:4
When strangers or acquaintances abuse us, it hurts, but not as much as when it’s a sibling, mom, or dad. You see, all of our identity and self-worth are derived from family but especially from our parents. When their abuse is emotional, spiritual, verbal, physical, etc., it attacks the core of our identity.
Toni and I are battling 35 years of abuse with her family, and especially with her parents.
Toni’s father was a pastor for most of Toni’s life. What she encountered as abuse was spiritual and religious in nature, steeped in legalism and perfectionism. Her mother told Toni and her siblings to deny their feelings. To go against instinct – to submit beyond question. To fear fear. Accept failure but to keep quiet. To compromise inner truth for outer fakeness.
My story was filled, as you may know, with physical and violent abuse. I dare say, I prefer the abuse that I endured more than what my dear Toni, has endured, and still does to this day!
I’ve asked a question several times over the years when speaking at men’s retreats and gatherings.
“Which would you rather have, a broken leg or a broken heart?”
Everyone in the room, shouted:
“A broken leg!”
This is because most of us, sadly, are well acquainted with the deep pain of a broken heart and the countless years of suffering.
My wife’s heart, while broken during her adolescent life, is undergoing healing over her adult years as she walks with God. Her healing could be accelerated if her parents would join her in her healing journey.
Yet, her parents want her and me, too, to “see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil.” This silence and blindness to evil has allowed the unmitigated reign of evil over many in her family. It’s painful to watch, but prayer gives us our only hope.
However, religious abuse is hard to see, because it looks socially acceptable—it looks so spiritual! Sadly, the abuse that Toni is suffering has wreaked havoc on her innocence. Her frailty. Her femininity. On her mind. On her heart and soul. This caused her to feel spiritually dirty most of her life and hyper-subjective.
Because her abuse was from religious parents, it locked her into a prison of impossible expectations. A perfectionism that not even God would impose. Right? God’s perfection is imputed or placed upon us by the works of Jesus. Toni was expected to be perfect by religious means and not by divine decree. Sadly, this is the story of many children who are fathered by ministers.
So, how do we forgive mom or dad, or both?
“Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land and that it may go well with you.” – Deuteronomy 5:16
Remember, this is God’s command with no prerequisites. It’s his 5th commandment—smack-dab in the middle!
One reason God gives us this command is because parents, by design, are to be “lesser gods” to their offspring. The fifth commandment can also be applied to God.
Honor [God] so that you may live long in the land and that all my go well with you.
So, when we dishonor our parents, we also dishonor God, and we put great risks to our well-being and life expectancy.
But what about abusive parents? Are we to honor our abusers?
Here’s the question: Did God give us our parents, or did God give us to our parents?
It’s important to know, for several reasons.
The Allmighty of Scriptures is the Sovereign God. He’s the divine architect and the builder. He is motivated by nothing else than his will and purpose. Also, scripture is quite clear that God is very relational, right down to the individual — the individual parent and child. It boggles the mind, or at least mine, that God thought of you, me, and our parents before space and time!
“Before the creation of the world, he chose us through Christ to be holy and perfect in his presence.” – Ephesians 1:4
“The Lord formed me from the beginning before he created anything else. I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began. – Proverbs 8:22-23
You see, we simply cannot deny that God put us into the care, good or bad, of our parents. We also can’t deny that God, intimately knowing you before earth began, appointed you to your parents. God is involved in both choices of parents to children and children to parents. There is nothing random about it! We had no say in the transaction.
Rather, God, in his wisdom, has appointed us to our parents, knowing fully that he will establish the commandment to honor them without hesitation and reservation. And that this commandment comes with a two-fold promise — all will go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.
But still, the question of forgiveness for our mom’s and dad’s abuse is unanswered for millions of hurting children of all ages, churched or unchurched.
I do want to address child abuse for those children who are still adolescent. It is not dishonoring to mom or dad if you seek help. This is for those children who are being physically or sexually abused by one or both parents. Speak to a pastor, teacher, school counselor, or coach. These people are required by law to notify Child Protective Services. Your safety is of utmost importance!
But for adult children, whereby we have moved out from mom’s and dad’s house, or perhaps they’re deceased. It’s not that forgiveness is optional. Rather, it is a necessity! Forgiving them is also about honoring them.
Many years ago, while living in Antioch, California, I invited my mother over to have a conversation. It was my plan to recall all the abuse that I had suffered by her hand.
It was just me and mom, sitting together in my home office when I began to unload on her. I was not angry or hard on my mom. I spoke from my heart and carefully described my hurts and scars.
Beginning at age 18 months old, I recalled quite accurately the violent physical abuse my little body suffered in the fit of her rage. I continued each remembrance, each story, as though it had just occurred; from 18 months through my 18th year! At the end of each story, with tears of remembrance traversing my bearded face, I said:
“Mom, I forgive you.”
… My mother just sat there, emotionless, and then replied:
“I don’t remember any of that.”
While her response was painful, I was not completely dispirited. You see, because my forgiveness wasn’t just for her, it was for me, too. While my exchange with mom was difficult, it came from my heart, not to condemn her, but to restore her—to restore us. To move the offense out of the way between mother and son. So that I could love her again. I didn’t need her permission to forgive her, as it was me letting go of all her hurtful acts.
Another twelve years would pass before my mother confessed and agreed to her abusive behavior. Her awakening happened just a few short days before she passed on Mother’s Day, May 11, 2008. It was just my mom and me again, but this time we met in her home. Unquestionably, God was there with mother and son. Both our hearts were tenderized by her battle with pancreatic cancer and softened by God’s mercy and grace. I again forgave my mother, and she humbly accepted my forgiveness as I accepted hers.
How do you know you have forgiven? When you can love them again.
It’s humanly impossible for us to forgive those who have treacherously abused or wronged us. Forgiveness is only possible through God’s grace and empowerment from Jesus Christ. And through Him, we can love again those who have wounded us with broken bones and shattered hearts. It’s called Agape Love — the love of God working in and through us.
My mother didn’t deserve my forgiveness, God required it of me. He knew it would bless me with a good and long life on earth. It was my opportunity to honor my mother. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, and God’s love are what triumphed here. It is what empowered me to do the impossible, which was to forgive my abuser—my own mother.
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” – Isaiah 49:15
Just a few days before my mom’s death, God rembeberd me, and my mom, too. He rescued us both!
Here’s another helpful verse of Scripture written in the last Old Testament book and in the last two verses of the last chapter of Malachi:
“See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.” – Malachi 4:5-6
God softened my heart, and in turn, he softened my mother’s heart. Because of heartfelt forgiveness, my land is no longer cursed. My life is free from bitterness, resentment, and hate. I can honestly say that I miss my mom. She would be 92 years this past February, 25, 2025. Without a doubt, she’s basking in the presence of God, fully forgiven!
What about you? I encourage you, too, to forgive. Even if your parents and abusers are dead. Even more so, forgive them. You see, if they have died, then they’ve met the judge, and justice was measured upon them. All that is left for you is to forgive them and let them go so that you, too, can live well in the land.
Unforgiveness harms no one but yourself. It rots away your present life and eats away at your future. That’s the definition of a cursed life. Kick pride out of your life. It’s killing you! Humble yourself, and God himself will lift you up!
Now you know what to do when parents abuse.
Have courage, my dear friend, trust in God’s Word, and hold tightly to His promises. Though mom or dad may have forgotten you, God never forgets!
Forgiveness is your pathway to living a long and healthy life in the land!
Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
The reason you feel like a victim is because you do not feel like a son or daughter. Having an “orphan mentality” makes you vulnerable and an easy target of doom and gloom.
The longer you see yourself as an orphan, you become a prime target by the Father of Lies and his abusive cohorts. Trust me, the Father of Lies, well he’s nothing but a deadbeat dad. Nothing good can come from him. He can’t offer you a future, but only a darkened past.
The Enemy’s plan? Cause you pain to rob you of your future. God’s plan? Give you a future through your pain and rob the Enemy.
Stop interpreting your hardship as a series of mishaps. If you begin to embrace all hardship as an established fact of your son-ship, suddenly you’ll gain strength you’ve never thought possible. Our God is no dead-beat dad; those whom he loves, he inflicts hardship, and his hardship for your life comes from a good place—his heart.
“My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.” –Proverbs 3:11-13
“Endure [all] suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?” [Emphasis mine] –Hebrews 12:7
“God corrects all his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him.” –Hebrews 12:8
GOD is fathering you into the best son, or daughter you can be, because that’s what a good father does.
Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
Maybe you’re simply misunderstanding your difficulties. If you can accept difficulties as a test from God rather than bad luck, you’ll want to pass the test instead of complaining about it.
Maybe you’re not an orphan after all, maybe God is fathering you because he’s in love with you, just like a real daddy.
So, snap out of it!
You’re not an orphan but a son or daughter of The Most High God!
The very things you are hiding may be the healing hope of others.
Have you ever considered that your wounds may be a perfect gift from God that can serve others in profound ways?
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.” – Brennan Manning
It is not the breaking of our bodies that should be our focus— not the illnesses we may suffer from time to time—no matter how severe. It’s not our sicknesses we should buffer or how broken we may become while here—there is something else to consider—something other is near.
It’s not the betrayals or deceptions we may encounter, even if our hearts have been shattered and our souls are emptied and filled only with fear. The life that remains in us, which may be covered with grief, pain, and despair, is like the snow-covered flowers in winter, shall be unveiled when spring again fills the air.
For even the faintest heartbeat and most shallow of breath, there lies hope. Life does not come easy, even for the most wealthy, yet life is a choice to be made. And if we so choose to believe it, beauty shall be our reward each new day and each new year.
Authentic living shall bring forth such brightness to dispel and vanquish such desperate despair.
Our most gloomy nights filled with impatient anger can be transformed into powerful meekness and care; such sweetness to our bitter sorrows are waiting; such eternal wealth for our poverty is near, and such fullness to satisfy all hunger, to our souls shall there be the grandest affair.
All for those who shall be rewarded of mustard seed faith to compare; of glories unknown to the healthy, but for the sick such treasure laid bare; for beauty and ashes shall be traded, but none for the self-righteous to spare.
So kiss your chains, which binds you to all sorts of suffering, and thankfully say: “Good morning” to the pain, which lingered throughout the night and, yet, remains into the days, weeks, months, or perhaps years. In all things, even the bad and the ugly work out for our good by God’s care. This does not add to his glory, for He is complete in all attributes he bares, but it does add to your ultimate healing and refined glory to be credited and to be shared.
We who believe, and are true sons and daughters of God, are broken to be given and to become children who bear a lesser yet increasing glory of the Most Glorious Father of our hearts and souls.
So let’s not waste our suffering on complaining and blaming, but rather let us all rejoice in our transformation, which is to follow if we endure and do not despair!
Your brokenness is making you beautiful and a wellspring of Life for other sufferers to drink from. That, my dear sisters and brothers, is the Christ of all Healing, The God of all Comfort, and the Everlasting Father of all fragile Hopes.
The greatest gift that God could give required his only Son to suffer an ignominious and terrible death so that through Christ’s suffering, we would have everlasting life.
He was beaten, broken, and bruised for our healing that he may be given in place of our punishment for the Joy set before him.
My friends, you are that Joy!
My business takes me to people who have lost their homes and sometimes their loved ones to fire, flooding, or earthquake. Knowing this, I’ve added the following words to the reverse side of my business card:
“Living a scarless life is not living at all—sometimes, our greatest triumphs lie in our greatest defeats. In all things, I am a child of God and never a victim. I do not, therefore, interpret tragic circumstances as mishaps but as a divinely scheduled trip to God’s beauty salon.”
… God’s breaking is so that you may have something to give—something of eternal value. You are becoming His handiwork!
Sometimes, it’s the simple prayer of a desperate heart that changes everything!
I know my Heavenly Father has me where he wants me, in his capable hands. But sometimes I forget. It’s not always easy to place my life and my prayers into his hands. When the struggling is over, and I rest in who he is, I find peace and the assurance that he hears my prayers.
I can, and do, at times, recount the prayers in which he’s answered. Since, in most times, my prayers are about major issues, they indeed are worth remembering and thanking him all over again. But those desperate, little prayers are just as meaningful too and worth remembering.
This is why the first word His Holy Spirit teaches us to say is “Abba Father,” which actually means “poppa,” or “da-da” in Hebrew. He wants that kind of trust and familiarity from us. The God of All Creation invites us to call out to him as an infant, frail, dependent, and trusting.
My favorite title in all the world is “Daddy.” It was my precious daughter, Tessa, who’d call me daddy, while my boys would call me dad or pops. Daddy is the title that would melt my heart and soften my face.
I truly believe that our Heavenly Father loves us to call him “daddy,” “poppa,” or even “da-da.” I think he wants to hear that name and title from you. I believe that Abba may be God’s favorite name.
One lonely and rainy morning, I was traveling to Castro Valley, California, for work. It was 5:30 a.m., still dark, as I was approaching Vasco Road in Brentwood. I had been prayerless for weeks, as I had drifted away from God. I desperately wanted to pray, but I had lost my words and was filled with shame.
I remembered a simple prayer that I read in a book by Brennan Manning, titled: “Abba’s Child” – The Cry of The Heart For Intimate Belonging.
I began reciting the words:
“Abba-Father, I belong to you—Abba-Father, I belong to you!”
Over and over again, this prayer bubbled up from my desperate and lonely heart.
With the rain pounding my windshield, tears began streaming down my face, making it harder to see.
With more than a few dozen cars ahead of me, I came to a stop at the dreaded lighted intersection of Camino Diablo and Vasco Road. While traffic was inching along, I kept desperately praying that simply prayer, “Abba-Father, I belong to you.”
In my desperatness, I added, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine, his banner over me is love,” taken from the Old Testament book, Songs of Songs.
I finally made it to the intersection, as one by one, each car negotiated their turns. The rain still pouring down, I completed my turn onto Vasco Road, heading towards Livermore to catch HWY 580, still crying and praying with all my heart.
As soon as my headlights illuminated the car in front of me, their license plate frame brightly reflected to me the following words:
“ABBA’S CHILD.”
I had to wipe my eyes, just to confirm what I was seeing was real! My heart became instantly alive again. My soul began to soar! I heard God, loud and clear, in the depths of my heart and with my own eyes!
God had heard my simple but desperate prayer. He reminded me in that moment at Camino Diablo and Vasco Road that I am still his child.
I am Abba’s Child! God’s miraculous reminder changed me in an instant and restored my soul!
God hears our prayers! Even when we’ve brushed him off or drifted far away from him. Abba-God rushes back at the sound of our cries—at the sound of our awkward prayers, he comes back into our lives just as a real daddy does.
I ask you to look at the photo below and imagine yourself in Abba’s embrace. Now, release your fears, worries, concerns; your sicknesses, and diseases; your loss of love or marriage; your suffering and finances, and all your loneliness and let it all go into Abba-God’s strong and sure embrace. Take a deep breath, relax—let it go, he can handle it all.
“The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord, And He delights in his way [and blesses his path]. When he falls, he will not be hurled down because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.” –Psalm 37:23-24 Amplified Bible
Do you see? You belong to him, as a legitimate son or daughter—you’re his responsibility.
Now thank him and sleep well tonight, and when you wake up, remind yourself of this little prayer:
“Abba Father, I belong to you—Abba Father, I belong to you.” I am my beloved’s, and he is mine; his banner over me is love. Amen
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
My son Jordan and I listened to several of John Eldredge’s podcasts on the way down to Bakersfield a few years ago. We talked about how good It would be if we could get a weekend retreat scheduled to help men and boys with their brokenness and father hunger.
One thing that Jordan and I have learned in hosting many retreats in the past, is that if a man is to be healed from the father wound, or to draw closer to the heart of God, going to the mountains and spending a little time away from the familiar and from responsibilities provides an excellent environment to find clarity and healing.
There is a clear biblical mandate in scriptures for fathers and sons to turn their hearts towards each other, as written in Malachi 4:5-6 and in Luke 1:17.
Did you know that God closes the Old Testament with Fathers turning their hearts towards their sons, Malachi 4:5-6, and then opens the New Testament with the same message in Luke 1:17? As a matter of fact, a broken and wounded relationship between fathers and sons leads to a cursed life. In turn, a cursed life causes the wounded sons of Adam to detest and avoid the Father Heart of God. And, like Adam, we are driven away from God and cover our nakedness (shame) with a false life and endless pursuits of Eve (the woman).
Eve becomes a surrogate; a pseudo-god in place of the Father Heart of God. Her comfort replaces the comfort from Father God, and her beauty replaces the glory of God. So, man sees his reflection in the woman rather than in God. He grades himself and his masculinity in the responses and opinions he receives from women.
I find it interesting that God created Adam apart from Eve. God walked with Adam for some time before he created and presented the woman to him. If a man is to walk with God; if he is to be fathered by God, he must let go of Eve. He must cease his pursuit for her comfort; for her beauty, and her maternal instinct to satisfy his father hunger.
A woman can not bestow masculinity, nor can her maternal instinct heal the wounded masculine soul. He is father-famished, and mothering this type of wound will further emasculate him, extending his adolescence years and perhaps decades beyond the stage of normal boyhood.
Read the following short conversation between Nullah, a little half breed Aboriginal boy, and Drover, an Australian cattle driver from the movie Australia:
Nullah: You a man, Drover?
Drover: Yeah, I try to be.
Nullah: Sometimes man got to get away from woman.
Drover: Maybe.
Nullah: That’s why you go droving.
Drover: I go droving ’cause that’s my job.
Nullah: If you don’t go droving, you not a man.
Young Nullah has learned from his grandfather, King George, an old Aboriginal man that a boy can not become a man until he leaves his mother and completes his walkabout into the wilderness.
Drover, played by Hugh Jackman, later explains to Lady Sarah Ashley, played by Nicole Kidman, that Nullah needs to go on walkabout and that without ceremony (walkabout) the boy will have no love in his heart, he’ll have nothing; no dreaming, no story, and no country.
And this is the problem with our culture. Boys do not, in a healthy way, detach from the woman, which should be initiated by the father’s invitation. The ceremony between father and son never happens, and so, the son remains a boy with no love in his heart, no dreaming, no story, and no country or belonging. As a matter of fact, for far too many boys, there is no father to speak of. And so, men awkwardly and inappropriately remain attached to the woman as mother rather than as an equal. Romance becomes incestuous and confusing, as men become seekers of mothers rather than partners.
I have firsthand experience with this. You see, I lived a parent-child relationship for the first fifteen years of my marriage to Toni. It was a wise counselor, Jim Matthews, who pointed this out to Toni and I during a crisis therapy session. Oddly, Toni was the mother I’d always wanted, and I was the son she wanted to fix and mother. I was terribly unfathered and a broken man. We almost lost our marriage many times throughout those first fifteen years.
At one point, Toni stepped out in faith and ceased mothering me, which allowed me to fail or succeed until I became the man she needed and deserved. Without my wife acting as my mother, I had to grow up, or I’d lose my family of three sons and one daughter. My legacy and my children’s future were at stake.
In a miraculous way, and due to the courage of my wife, I became the man, husband, and father my family needed and deserved. This is why I have written this article, to tell others that change is possible, even in the most damaged life or marriage, there is hope and healing. My good friends, Dustin Scott Guerrero and his wife Angie Orlando-Guerrero also have an amazing and beautiful story of healing and restoration that is powerful and inspiring. Their’s is the kind of story that would make an amazing Hollywood movie!
You see, a real woman does not want a grown man to follow her around like a lost boy or puppy. When the cuteness wears off, she awkwardly becomes a mother, rather than a lover of a true man. Relationships become difficult when a man can not give, but is in contestant need to receive.
A man must detach from Eve in order to become attached to the Father Heart of God. Without a father in the life of a boy, the boy becomes lost and wounded. When the boy ages into adulthood, without initiation and ceremony, he hides his unfathered and boyish heart with the fig leaves of false masculinity and posing.
Wounded boys and men like this need healing. Jordan and I have witnessed the miracle of healing and restoration of men’s hearts to the Father Heart of God in the space of a few days. God can and does heal by just one word. After all, did not God speak the world into existence by the Word of his power?
“For He spoke, and all things came into being. A single command from His lips and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.” –Psalms 33:9
“His Son is the radiance of his glory, the very image of his substance, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purified us of our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high…” –Hebrews 1:3
Yes, God can do a miracle in a man’s soul with one word!
Also, do you see the connection between “His Son is the radiance of his glory,” and “you, being, or becoming His son,” reflecting his radiance? This is something that only the Father-God can do. This is not the woman’s place or role in a man’s life.
A real woman desires a real man. However, so many women have settled for boys trapped inside the body of a man and so become mothers. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. Women searching for real men and real men searching for real women, but finding only the adolescent forms of what whole men and women should be. Only God can stop this cycle, and it starts with the healing of father wounds in the hearts of men and women.
The enemy has spoken words of power also, and so stricken and wounded the hearts of people by using wounded fathers and mothers, too, to wound the heart and soul of their offspring. Thus perpetuating cursed boys and girls, which grow up with insatiable (impossible to satisfying) desires, or appetites for sex and drugs, or eating disorders. The hole is a God sized hole, which only his wholeness can fill. But since many significant wounds originate with the father or mother, they are driven away from the Father Heart of God and the nurturing and maternal presence of the Holy Spirit.
John Eldredge, author and speaker, wrote the following:
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
And so, we live a life without tears, without compassion and love for our own wounded hearts and souls. We all die silently while God has delivered to us our only remedy, that is, Jesus Christ.
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” said Jesus –John 14:6.
The Father is the principal destination, and the Son is the vehicle, or passage way to the heart of Abba-God. (Abba is Hebrew for: Papa or Da-da, an endearing term for Father).
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” –Romans 8:15
“Because you are now part of God’s family, He sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts; and the Spirit calls out, “Abba, Father.” –Galatians 4:6
For those who have the Water of Life, start watering. For those of you, my dear friends, and those whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and you will never go thirsty again.
Jesus said, “… Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” –John 4:14
If you want to hear more about this amazing Water and the Father Heart of God, message me, or ask for it from others who are drinking from this Well of Life and who are acquainted with the Abba of Jesus.
Don’t remain in slavery, and do not give into fear, but receive the Spirit of Life, of adoption into the family of God — into the Father-Heart of God.
Do not silently hide, or dismiss your heart, become the man you were meant to become, and simply pray and ask God to father you in the way you should go, and you will find peace and wholeness.
Our God is no deadbeat, Dad, but the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace! –Isaiah 9:6
Becoming a true and whole man is what every real woman desires — she’s after the authentic you!
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
Could it be possible that the very ugly and scary things that you are facing this very moment can, if you’re willing, become a peal of great value?
You can not climb to the heights of joy unless you first plumbed the depths of despair. Yes, even your despair can be valuable. It is the pressures of despair in the depths of your soul where something precious is being formed.
This little article should be read as a road map, a map showing you the way to find joy when joy is the furthest thing from your mind, will, and emotion.
I’m a pretty optimistic guy with a fairly even-keeled personality. I didn’t choose to be this way. I am fortunate to have been born with a sense of optimism. When I was younger, I used to have surges of optimism, but now in my sixties, not so much.
How about loved ones; family, friends, and acquaintances that have the opposite? Instead of optimism, they suffer from depression and anxiety, and because of this, they’ve become pessimistic. Trying to cope with periodic or ongoing bouts of depression and anxiety can be hell on earth. I have seen what it looks like in the faces of my loved ones.
So here is the thing, as fortunate as I am to be optimistic, upbeat, and positive, I must choose joy, just as much as one suffering from depression must choose joy. There is a problem with both polar opposites. Both depressive and optimistic personalities, in their extremes, are void of joy.
You see, being controlled or mentally dominated by optimism or depression leaves no room for joy. Joy, real joy, is a choice. The choice is not easy for the depressed and the optimist.
But far too many people bypass joy for a new lover, new home, or even a baby, hoping they’ll find happiness.
The scriptures, more or less, indicate that joy is a command from the heart and mind to the soul, or vice versa. Even a command to our bones! Yep, I can attest to that; being sixty-something, I have a lot of aches in my bones; my bones speak to me; no, they really do, they make all kinds of sounds when I walk!
“Make me hear joy and gladness that the bones You have broken may rejoice.” – Psalm 51:8
“The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, And a good report makes the bones healthy.” – Proverbs 15:30
“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” – Proverbs 16:24
Joy is medicine to our body, heart, mind, and even our bones!
Like all medicines, many of us must be reminded to take it, perhaps even forced. Ah, but when you do follow the doctor’s orders or your wife’s, the medicine helps with whatever ails you. And so, you must also choose joy to receive all of its benefits.
I did a word study on Joy in the New King James Version of the Bible. Did you know that the word “joy” appears 192 times in both the Old and New Testaments? Just studying the word “joy” brings you joy!
But still, choosing joy in the midst of depression, worry, sickness, betrail, and even divorce seems almost impossible. Trying to reign in our emotions when our mind and body seem out of control is like trying to rope a bull elephant!
So many people suffering from depression, anxiety, and traumatic events, such as betrail, divorce, etc., show the signs of their condition in their bodies and even in their bones. Everything aches, and most things lose their significance, such as food, relationships, and even life itself. But this is why joy is so important and why the Bible mentions it 192 times!
Sacrificial joy, that is, choosing to be joy-filled when things are not right, is real medicine. As I mentioned earlier, joy is a medicine that sometimes you must force yourself to take.
I had written an article a few weeks ago titled:
“My Allergic Reaction To Asking For Help.”
This is a story of my unintended flight down a set of stairs, whereby I had ruptured and shredded my quadriceps above my left knee. They snapped like a dried twig! Well, it wasn’t the painful surgery that gave me grief; it was nausea from the general aniestic!
I absolutely hate nausea. It began post-surgery, and as soon as my wife took me home. The orthopedic surgeon hadn’t prescribed any anti-nausea meds. So there I am, writhing in nausea, dizziness, and fighting the urge to throw up. Toni saw how terrible I looked and felt. It was late, but I begged her to go to the pharmacy and bring home some anti-nausea meds.
While Toni was away, I was so desperate that I turned on a Christian Radio Station, K-LOVE, and listened to worship music while alone in my living room. I struggled initially, but I started to command my body, heart, and mind to be joyful. I began singing praises and thanksgiving to God, thanking him, even for the dreaded nausea. In a matter of few minutes, my nausea vanished, and my pain began to diminish.
Soon, Toni showed up with the anti-nausea meds, but when she handed me the bag, I said, “Oh, um, I’m feeling much better; the nausea is over.” She looked a little perturbed, only because I sent her on a wild goose chase for drugs that I didn’t need. I should’ve started with joy.
Early the following year, I contracted a form of the H1N1 virus. I had never been so sick. I reached a point where I got my inner house in order, so to speak, because I actually thought that I might die! While burning with fever, I again started to praise God and sing a joyful song to Him. It wasn’t at all easy or even natural to push through, but nonetheless, I did.
I lay there on my sickbed and began singing Psalms 100.
“(A Psalm of praise.) Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands…
… I will enter into His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, and into his courts with praise: I will say this is the day that the Lord hath made, I will rejoice in Him and be glad.”
Yeah, I actually thought I might be entering the Courts of Heaven that night, but God had other plans. Forcing myself to express joy helped me to triumph through that dreaded virus.
Actually, to “rejoice” is just that it means giving joy to God until it is given back to you. To rejoice in the Lord is the worshipper becoming gladdened, exuberant, and jubilant by taking great delight in God. Heartfelt Joy is reciprocal. It is also contagious.
The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. – Zephaniah 3:17
For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. – Proverbs 3:12
God sometimes brings correction through the things we suffer because He knows that suffering can produce the precious commodity called joy. Just like an oyster and a grain of sand, which to the oyster is an irritant. From this irritant comes a pearl.
Probably one of the most impactful examples of this was on, of all places, America’s Got Talent TV show.
Jane Kristen Marczewski, known by many as Nightbird, (December 29, 1990 – February 19, 2022), on AGT, viewed by millions, and a recipient of the coveted “Golden Buzzer,” told the world the following after she sang her original song, “It’s OK”:
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
The audience, and especially Simon Cowell, were stunned. I was, too.
Really, Jane’s words were so powerful because they were true, not just her truth, but right from the Bible. They are God’s truth, and that night, they were spoken by a frail and tiny but courageous woman. I think the shock of it all was profound because it was spoken over the backdrop of her story; her battle with cancer.
Jane had learned the power of joy and happiness in spite of the cancer eating away at her future.
Happiness or joy is now, not later. It’s in the middle of your darkest nights, dreariest days, and deepest despairs. Joy and happiness are choices. Yes, hard choices. If they were easy, they’d have far less value with no real healing and no inner peace. That night, Jane Kristen Marczewski became God’s pearl.
God allows irritants to enter our lives, too. He does this with intricate perfection and purpose.
“Thus says The Most High, The Exalted One who inhabits all eternity, and is holy, and holy is his dwelling with the humble, and with the weary of spirit to give life to the spirit of the humble, and to give life to the heart of the suffering ones.” – Isaiah 57:15
When we are at our worst, choosing joy is most powerful. The Isaiah verse above tells us The Most High God, The Exalted One, who lives in all eternity while He dwells in a high and lofty place, He is near the humble, the sorrowful, and the sufferers.
When we command our body, heart, mind, and yes, even our bones to rejoice in God, He gives life. He refreshes. He restores, and He reciprocates our sacrificial joy. “He will quiet us with his love.” “He will rejoice over us with gladness” and even “rejoice over us with singing.” Because God is not a distant deity, He is your Heavenly Father, and he is much nearer than you can imagine.
Like the oyster, we can’t see the development of beauty inside our lives. Our struggles with depression, anxiety, worry, and overoptimism distract us from the work that God is doing. Instead, we feel abandoned by God, orphaned, and on our own. The truth is that God is there with us in the midst of our pain. It requires us to believe and trust in God’s promises. The Bible says God would rather dwell with us than with kings and queens.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3
He would have to be very close to you to heal your broken heart, bind up your wounds, and save your crushed spirit.
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” – Psalm 145:18
Then God sends us His Son, Jesus to rescue us…
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to him.” – Luke 4:18-19
Don’t live life without joy.
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.” – Jane Kristen Marczewski, “Nightbird”
Choose joy, and in a very short while, you’ll understand. Maybe you’re becoming God’s Pearl, too!
Well, this is what I thought my name was—not because my mom and dad called me Shame, but somehow, in their inflection—when they used my real name—shame is what I had felt. Shame is my earliest memory—which, believe it or not, I was only eighteen months old!
In the spring of 1961, I was a toddler, sitting on my highchair in Paramus, New Jersey, about to eat my very first peanut butter sandwich. My mom had skillfully cut the crust away and segmented my sandwich into four small squares. I remember staring at the plate mom placed on my stainless steel highchair tray. I guess I’m supposed to eat it, so I curiously picked up a square, oozing with peanut butter, and touched it to my lips and tongue. My immediate reaction was to curl my mouth and retract my tongue in disgust while drooling the pasty peanut butter from my mouth to my chin.
Without provocation, my mom grabbed the sandwich square, mauled it into a ball, grabbing my chubby cheeks so hard it forced my mouth to open. She then, with an angry face, tightly gritted teeth, she began shoving the sandwich into my little and nearly toothless mouth, pushing so hard it caused me to choke, gasping for air! Suddenly, my gag reflex kicked in, and I threw up milk and whatever else made it to my stomach all over the highchair tray!
Suddenly, and shockingly, my mom slapped me so hard, me and the highchair nearly tipped over! For what seemed like minutes, or at least until my breath came back into my tiny lungs, I let out a blood curdling scream! While being confused and terrified, my mother slapped me again for crying. To this day, I still hate peanut butter sandwiches.
As an eighteen-month old toddler, I couldn’t process that event in any other way than to conclude something is terribly wrong with me. And this is what shame does; It robs you of your identity and lessens your self-worth. You don’t even know it’s happening, especially if you’re raised in a house of shame.
I have so many of these kinds of memories that it could easily fill an entire book! I will, however, share one more childhood memory of shame for context.
Don’t Pee Outside!
One summer day when I was a normal seven year old boy, one of my siblings tattled on me, reporting to mom:
“Tommy peed outside!”
My mom quickly called me inside to the kitchen, where she did most of her interrogations;
“Did you pee outside?”
—Sitting across the table was my mom’s best friend, Gloria Martin—
With fear and trepidation, I cautiously nodded my head, yes. My mom’s angry face was enough for me to repent, but by seven, I had learned that this was the precursor to shame and abuse.
My mother reached towards the left side of our kitchen table and grabbed a small pair of curved pedicure scissors. Simultaneously, she commanded me to pull down my pants. She then yanked down my underwear, exposing my penis in front of Mrs. Martin.
Mother grabs my penis, stretching it out, and with the scissors in her left-hand proceeds, or at least convinced me she was going to cut it off! I was brutally shamed and abused. Although, as a seven year old little boy, my faculty of reason was undeveloped. I could only interpret the abuse and shame that something is incurably wrong with me. That, and hundreds of days like it, might be the reason my name, Tommy, Tom, or Thomas, was replaced with the name, Shame.
I think chronically shaming a person is similar to murder. I’m not a forensic pathologist nor a psychologist, but isn’t murder when you premeditatedly end the life of a human being? Shame kills identity and destroys self-worth. Shame replaces the spark of life and light with darkness and a desire to cease living.
Several years ago, I was investigating a burned out office building in Berkeley, California. Everything was darkly sooted and smelled heavily of smoke and ash. I was there to measure the fire and smoke damage for an insurance company. As I was photographing each room, I entered one office that had several floor to ceiling shelves filled with books. All the books were heavily sooted and many soaked with water by the fire department. Except, one book, which stuck out a bit. Puzzled as to why this book was so clean, I pulled the book from the shelf. On the cover was a mother sitting on a chair with two small murdered children under one arm and a knife in her other hand. The title of the book:
“Soul Murder – Child Abuse and Deprivation” By LL Shengold – 1989
Needles to say, I had to read it!
To summarize the book a bit:
“Soul murder involves the deliberate traumatization or deprivation by an authority (parent) of his charge (child). The victim is robbed of his identity and of the ability to maintain authentic feelings. Soul murder remains effective if the capacity to think and to know has been sufficiently interfered with—by way of brainwashing – Paradoxically, in order to survive and adjust, some of these people so traumatized as children develop unusual strengths and gifts.”
While this book is highly clinical, I began to unravel and understand what eighteen years living in a house of shame and abuse did to me. Tommy, Tom, or Thomas was soul murdered and the imposter, named Shame had taken his place.
This is not a hopeless story. Yes, it had been a story of physical and psychological abuse and years of despair and deprivation. But my story is actually very much hope-filled. I hope the telling of my story may be the catalyst for you, too, to find hope and healing.
My Safe House
Almost every spy thriller or story of espionage has a safe house. Well, at ten years old, I had my safe house, too. Only, it’s not the safe house of spy movies, filled with firearms, passports, and bags of currency. Nope, my safe house was church!
Church was the only place my mother couldn’t hurt me—even if she was within a swift and accurate backhand to my face, she wouldn’t dare strike me. I learned that Church was not only a safe place for an abused little boy but also a safe place for fake and phony people, like my mommy dearest. Churches rarely will preach, if at all, against child abuse within the home. I think partly because far too many pastors abuse their own families for the sake of “ministry.”
One thing you learn in a shamed-based family is that sometimes moms or both parents will use their children as props. For some children, like me, being a “prop” can destroy your sense of “me” to where you are nothing more than an image or an appendage of your mother. If it sounds incestuous, then you’re correct because it is. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature to be incestuous. For me, it meant that I, along with my siblings, were used for our mother’s psychological and physical pleasure. We were all adornments that added to our mother’s glittering image. We were less than human. We were little shame-bots who obeyed our mother’s abusive shaming tactics.
There was no greater day of the week for my mother to excel in her fakery than on Sunday. Sunday was my mother’s morning masquerade! She would dress us five boys with button-down shirts, ties, sports coats, spit-polished wingtip shoes, and our hair plastered perfectly with Dippity-doo hair gel of the Sixties and Seventies! My little and only sister was dressed like Shirley Temple! Boy, but we were a real hit in Church! We looked, and, albeit forcibly so, played our parts as the “perfect Christian family” like trained little monkeys!
The fake “perfect Christian family” persona only hid the shame and abuse of all six of us siblings. While Church was my safe house, just like safe houses in spy thrillers, sooner or later, the bad guys crash it. Somehow, my mommy dearest found a way of shaming me in Church with a look that said, “wait till I get you home!”
My New Name
With the name, Shame, so indelibly written into my psyche, a name and identity change were impossible for me. Even though I became a Christian at my safe house, Bethany Baptist Church in Martinez, California, nothing changed in the Koester House of Shame.
I want you to understand that it’s not the house of shame in a family or church that needs to change. We do. Yes, some churches can become a house of shame also. After all, churches are made up of families, too, and ideally, are to become one healthy family. However, like dysfunctional and shamed-based families, sadly, some churches and religious organizations can also be shame-based. You should remove yourself from a shamed-based family and church in order to get healthy.
When you get healthy and free from a shame-based culture, family, or church, you will make healthier decisions, and you’ll see more clearly. Clearly enough to walk with God and maybe a godly counselor and begin the healing process.
My New Life
As I began to grow in my faith and reading of Scripture, I learned that my real worth and identity come from my Creator, God. In spite of what many people believe, God is not the “great shamer” in the sky. He’s not abusive or unjust. When Jesus of Nazareth began his public ministry, he walked into a synagogue, opened up a scroll handed to him, and read the following from the Prophet Isaiah:
“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to preach good tidings unto those who are cast down; to bind up the wounds of the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those that are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to order in Zion those that mourn, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of despair.”
When I first read this, light came bursting into my darkened prison cell of shame! You see, Church is not an end to a means, but the means to an end of shame and abuse. Church is where I met the God of my Salvation and the Healer of my murdered soul! A good and healthy Church not only preaches the Gospel (“Gospel” is a Greek word used in the Bible, which means “Good News”). But a healthy church is a fellowship and family of broken people becoming whole together. It’s not a recovery group, per se; it’s a group of humble people living a restored and recovered life! Jesus himself promised that if we believe him, we will have life:
“The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”–John 10:10
“Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.” –John 11:25
Do you see how this is such good news to a broken, abused, and shamed little boy, as me?
God took away the imposter’s name of Shame and bestowed a new name upon me; I am God’s restored and Beloved Son! He healed my broken heart, set me free from captivity, opened my prison doors of shame and despair, and resurrected my murdered soul! My identity and worth is better than restored—I’m a new creation—fully pardoned for all my sins and clothed in Jesus’s righteousness. I’m no longer dressed to impress my mother, her peers, or her friends.
“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn, through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache is written in your book.” –Psalms 56:8
“He has not forgotten the one who is hurting. He has not turned away from his suffering. He has not turned his face away from him. He has listened to his cry for help.” –Psalms 22:24
Our family consisted of eight people, and we lived in our tiny 1400-square-foot, four-bedroom, two-bath home in a housing development in Martinez, CA. I lived there from late 1965 until July 1978.
During those years, I was forced to share a bedroom with my older brother Jeffrey, who is only sixteen months older than me. I had always thought it was a mistake for our parents to room Jeffery and me together, as we constantly fought and were at each other’s throats!
But at the same time, we were both there for each other, especially after we both were terribly beaten, sometimes separately, and at times together, we were lashed, punched, or kicked. During Those moments, Jeffrey and I would become friends and assuage each other’s wounds or share our complaints and anger about what had happened and the unfairness of it all. And maybe our brief times of fellowship and friendship were based on the principle: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Still, Jeffrey helped me as my older brother by caring for me when I was abused.
At times, we’d become fellow cellmates, imprisoned in our bedroom together for hours or perhaps for an entire day. However, I think Jeffrey had it much worse than me, if you can believe it!
At ten years of age, my life began to exhibit evidence of being soul murdered. Although physically alive, my trust and sense of safety were nearly gone. I was incapable of bonding and receiving love or belonging to anyone. The hole this created in me was too broad and deep for any human to fill. I was unwanted and unloved. The abuse was so horrific that it impacted my identity.
During those abusive years, I developed new titles: The Discarded One, The Disgraceful One, and the Unwanted One, which began to dictate my life and identity. My mother bestowed those titles upon me during her fits of rage.
I became a lost boy, un-fathered and un-mothered by nurture and love. My home was my house of horrors. I found solace in living a secret life of fantasy and daydreaming, similar to the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye called: “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”
In elementary school, I would sit there, daydreaming of some incredible feat or be far away on a voyage to uncharted islands of mystery. I always imagined myself as the hero.
After my father had passed away, I found a bundle of old report cards. One report card from my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Dodd, stood out. On the back of the report card was written a personal note to my parents:
“Thomas just seems to sit here in class, daydreaming.”
Growing up, you were always guilty in our home and never allowed the opportunity to plead your innocence. Even if one of my siblings tattled on me, it would often end up with a beating or punishment. The only thing protecting each of us from excessive tattling was the military doctrine of “Mutual Assured Beatings!” Even the tattler could be swept up in our mother’s rage, suffering a beating, too! So, we used tattling sparingly.
This created a hypersensitivity to injustice, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Even today, I am acutely sensitive to injustice against myself and others.
“Fate, it seems, is not without its sense of irony,” said Morpheus in the movie, “The Matrix.” . Like Neo, the movie’s central character, he was powerless and a slave to a programmed existence. My “sense of irony” showed up in my career choices. I believe my sensitivity to injustice is why I have successfully settled claims on behalf of fire and water damage victims. I am empathetic to individuals and families being abused by Impersonal insurance companies that place shareholders above policyholders.
So, unknown to me, the terrible injustice I suffered as a child had fatefully trained me for my vocation. Perhaps it is more likely that the sense of irony is not fate, but rather, I became attracted to my career choices because of parental abuse and their unjust treatment.
Had there been an actual “Morpheus” in my life, it would have been so helpful to extricate me from the matrix of horrors. But, in fact, there was. This is why my hopeless story is so hope-filled. The name “Morpheus” actually means: ‘He who shapes.’ As you read on, you will learn through my story that there has indeed been, and continues to be, a “Morpheus” in my life.
Nevertheless, an undeniable force is shaping me through a maze of pain and struggle of good and bad days to a present joy-filled life, which now I would never trade or abandon. It would be like saying to a diamond, “Turn back into coal,” or to a pearl, “Turn back into a grain of sand.” I’m still in the “rough,” so to speak, and in between two extremes: the lightness of joy and contentment and the weightiness of pain and agony.
This precise pressure point masterfully creates diamonds of joy and the pearls of contentment within my life. Pain is never the product of this process, but joy and happiness are. Pain and agony are elements necessary to produce “suffering,” which produces eternal qualities and degrees of character that can not be developed in any other way.
So, in a nutshell, “Don’t waste your suffering!” It is the process of suffering that can lead to a fulfilling life! And so it is, I believe, for you, too. Your story is not an endless season of reruns but of purposeful and significant meaning.
“Rest, the answers are coming…” Said Morpheus to a perplexed and doubting Thomas Anderson at the beginning of his transformation into “Neo.”
By the way, you are transforming, and what that is will be revealed in time. The process you are in may be painful and even hopeless, but everything good and true, of worth and value, comes with pain and suffering. It is all a part of living and transforming. Until then, my dear friend, “Rest, the answers are coming…”
Be brave enough to journey into your past. Not alone like you have so many times before; no, this time, journey back with God. Invite Him into your past as your guide, comforter, and healer. Ask Him for wisdom and understanding. Then, prepare yourself to forgive those who’ve wounded and harmed you. Forgiveness is pivotal. Without it, you’ll remain imprisoned and tormented.
This was the journey that I took and am still on. This is how I learned the importance of forgiveness and the value of tears. Tears are the beginning of transforming from The Unseen One to God’s Beloved One.
Over the past three decades, I have been curious to learn about the wounds I’ve suffered during my youth and formative years.
It’s not what will happen to you that will change your life, I spoke out one night of lecturing, but rather, what happened long ago has already changed your life.
The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice. It changes a child’s psyche, distorting their inner soul and eating away their future. Harsh words from mom and dad have tremendous prophetic meaning to a child.
The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice.
And because of those words, you’ve been living a different trajectory. You’re living out a life that you were not meant to live. You’re living a cursed life.
While young and innocent, most of us knowingly or perhaps unknowingly have made life-changing vows or agreements while amid abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. While eliciting powerful emotions of hate, anger, bitterness, or rage, these past hurts or wounds can conjure dark agreements with the Father of Lies.
John 8:44 says that all lies come from the Father of Lies, who is the Devil.
The devil’s strategy is to get us to make these dark vows and live from them. He uses the most important people in our lives to originate these lies. Some of these lies are:
You’re no good. You’re unloveable. You’re too ugly. You’re too fat. You’re too skinny. You’re too stupid. You’re a loser. No one will ever want you. You’ll always be a failure, etc.
And one that I heard all my life growing up was:
“What’s wrong with you?!?”
The list can be pretty long, and the voices of others soon become our voices, echoing self-deprecating and ugly curses over our hearts and minds—eating away at our future.
Unknowingly, our parents can speak the devil’s curses and lies over us at a time when we were mythical, fanciful, and magical of heart. Because children can believe the unbelievable, curses and lies become part of their identity and belief system. They end up living them out like prophecies written in ancient manuscripts. These “prophecies” direct their lives, careers, and relationships.
To bring healing to these past wounds and nullify the agreements is a path that only a few have taken. Even though freedom and wholeness are possible, many of us prefer to live in the seclusion and cover of darkness and duplicity. We’ve come too far or lived too long with our false persona; the mere thought of dismissing or exposing our poser-selves is too frightening.
So, we pose, playing hide and seek at work, home, and church. The longer we play this nightmarish game, the more hardened and sadistic we become to our wounded hearts and souls.
This process continues until we become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, and lies. Or, perhaps our drug of choice is our reputation or religiosity. Maybe we’ve masqueraded for so long that we’re lost even to ourselves!
The stress of chronic fakery is as deadly as a heart attack and a silent killer, just as hypertension and high blood pressure can kill you. Why, we’re simply a walking time bomb of contradictions, lies, and hypocrisies.
Oh, my dear friend, there is such hope, so I am writing to you. Please read on.
Isaiah has said, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” Isaiah 5:20.
Jesus said, “… And if the light you think you have is darkness, how deep that darkness is!” Matthew 6:23.
I know all about this. This was and is my life. It is both my past and my journey. There is a redeemer and a healer. He is pursuing you, not to judge you, but to redeem, heal, and restore you to who you were meant to be!
Your True Father wants you back. As the late Brennen Manning has so often quoted:
“God accepts you as you are and not as you should be. Because you’re never going to be as you should be.”
The Good News is that it’s God’s responsibility to transform you as you should be.
Transformation is not your wife’s job, boss’s, or best friend’s — it’s not your pastor’s or priest’s job or any self-help guru’s to change you. It is the job of a loving God, who’s waiting for you to call out to him; “Abba,” “Papa,” or “Daddy,” or even “Father-God.”
The only way to the Father is through the Son. And it is the Son, Jesus Christ, who’s taken upon himself all the curses and dark vows ever spoken in any language and tongue against us, so that we may be loved rather than destroyed.
Do you see this? God can make your life awesome, if you allow him to take away all the crap, hurts, wounds, and pain inside of you.
Oh, and it can be taken away! All the guilt, shame, and self-loathing—all the self-hatred and hatred of others can be removed. All the self-doubts and doubting of others, all the lost trust of self and others, and the cynical and diabolic distrust and suspicion can, and will be gone!
Just say this prayer out loud, or even in a whisper:
Dear Jesus Christ, I stand before you, exposed, scared, ashamed, and afraid. I have lived a sinful life and have hurt myself and others. I confess to you my wrongdoings, my mistakes, and my faults. I acknowledge my need for forgiveness from you and my need to forgive others. I also forgive myself for the harm that I’ve done to me. I believe in your Word of Truth and that you lived a sinless life, died on a cross of suffering because you took upon yourself all my sin, all the curses spoken over me, and all my wrongdoings. You were buried in a tomb and were raised to life on the third day, making it possible for me to be forgiven and to have a new life, new hope, and a future. I believe these things in my heart, and I confess and acknowledge them with my mouth to be saved and redeemed. I am now your true son or daughter, and I can now call you my Abba-Father as you have put your Spirit into my transformed and purified heart forever and ever. Thank you for my salvation and healing in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Now, live a new life and understand that you now belong to God as his child, and you’ve become his responsibility. He is no dead-beat-dad. He is a Mighty God, an Everlasting Father, a Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. All authority is upon his shoulders, and His Kingdom shall know no end.
Welcome home to a loving God and an incredible Savior!
The danger is to do nothing. Doing nothing is to remain in darkness and under curses and false agreements. Do something with your new life and truly live! No longer agree with the dark voices in the back of your mind. Instead, reject their curses and evil thoughts in the Name and Authority of Jesus Christ!
Give the Father of Lies an Eviction Notice and cancel all your curses!
Call To Courage 