“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” –Peggy O’Mara
A father’s likes, for example, sports, politics, music, or cars, etc., becomes the language in which a father speaks to his children and which they speak to themselves.
The fact that many fathers do not listen with their hearts is why so many sons and daughters remain disconnected from their dads. His children may not like sports, politics, or music, etc., and therefore have nothing to say. I meet so many people obsessed with sports, politics, drugs, drinking, etc., because this is the only way that they can relate to or speak with their fathers.
Many people have no idea as to why they like or do these things, and rarely make the connection that they do these things because this was their father’s language – this is how they’ve learned to gain their father’s approval, acceptance, and his attention.
My father’s language was politics and technology. I found myself learning all I could about current political events and the latest technological gadget, so I would have something to say to my dad. I wanted my father’s approval — his acceptance and respect, so I learned his language. The sad part is that my relationship with my father was always in the shallows and never at the level and depth of heart and soul. Sadly, this became my language also between my own sons and daughter.
One day, I inspected a water-damaged home in Antioch, California, with the homeowner and his family present. All the decorations in the kitchen, family room, and master bedroom were covered with San Francisco 49er’s paraphernalia – I mean, it was everywhere! After I was completed with my task, the husband asked me:
“So, do you watch sports? … what do you think of those 49ers?”
I replied:
I don’t watch or like sports all that much.
His facial expression intimated shock and amazement!
I further replied:
… You like sports because this was the only way you could speak with your father and gain his attention and approval.
I glanced at his wife, and her face suddenly lit up with shock!
She quickly replied:
“MY GOSH, THAT’S SO TRUE!”
The husband just stood there, with his mouth opened, with the expression as though his best friend had just died!
You begin to learn how powerful for good, or evil, our father’s likes, especially when they become the mechanism of speech or language with their children. Right? Just as Peggy O’Mara wrote,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
The Bible points this out in the last book of the Old Testament, and in the very last two verses:
“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” –Malachi 4: 5-6.
Do you see?
If the fathers do not turn their hearts to their children, the earth will be cursed. What curses the world is silent fathers and fathers that do not speak from their hearts. This, in turn, causes children not to speak from their hearts also. Instead, their relationship with their dads is in the shallows. Very little, to no life pass from the father to their children. Sadly, this lack of transaction creates an emotional and relational deficit from generation to generation.
Proverbs 4: 23 puts it this way:
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.”
If you’re a father, change the language from sports, politics, or anything that keeps your relationship with your kids in shallow places and listen and speak from your heart. From your heart flows the springs of life. Your kids can’t live successful, healthy, and full lives without the spring of life from your heart. Your words and language matter. It’s a matter of life and death!
We dads have the power of life and death in our speech with our kids, young or old. Our words have the power to build or destroy the future of our children. It is never too late to speak from our hearts.
Help build your children’s future and speak the language of love.
The heroes of our faith and Saints of Old are watching!
“I went round the city and I looked at everything. I said to the leaders, the officers and the people, ‘Do not be afraid of our enemies. Remember that our Lord God is great and powerful. Fight on behalf of your brothers, your sons, your daughters and your wives. Fight to keep your homes safe.’” —Nehemiah 4:14
I know that you have been absorbing a great deal of information and news, good or bad. I know, like Nehemiah, you too have looked at the condition of our cities, towns, neighborhoods, and schools. Do not be dismayed to the point of indifference. You are desperately needed!
Do not allow what you are seeing and hearing to take you off your mission as husbands, fathers, and godly men. Do not allow yourselves to drift away from the Lord. To the contrary; fight to recapture your heart. Then fight to win again the heart of your wife. Fight for the hearts of your children. Fight for your country.
If things are broken or at odds between you and your wife, fix it now, but not with your “toolbox,” but by listening to her heart. Have compassion for her, and make her safe in your presence and absence. Please, men, let your wives into your heart and speak to them with kindness and wisdom. She’s your partner, and I can promise you this that there’s no one else better suited to be in your foxhole and camp than your wives.
Be gentle and patient with your children. Your actions, attitudes, and words should show them how much you love them and that they, along with your wives, are more important than your man-toys, sports, politics, or even your ministries.
You set the climate of fear or peace in your homes. Choose peace and fight to hold onto a climate of peace in your house. After all, “a man’s home is his castle,” so protect and defend it, but more so, your family which lives in it.
“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.” —Saint Francis de Sales
Show your wife and children through your right actions that your trust is in the Lord. This is your job as a man of faith. Your trust in God becomes their trust in God. Your good father-heart points them directly to the Father-Heart of God, which, by the way, is where they find their identities.
Things are going to be rough these next several months. Our nation and it’s people will be tested beyond belief. But hold onto your belief in God, in your marriage, and in your children. They, not your careers, video games, sports, and politics, are your mission. The country will right itself, or perhaps not. This, however, doesn’t change the man you are, nor your mission.
Cling to God and to his Word. Love your wives unconditionally and sacrificialy. Be gentle with your children, and show them great patience. Tell them with words and action that you love them.
Be stouthearted. Be brave. Be courageous. Be men of God. Brothers in Chist. Hold to Truth. Armor up with God’s promises. Hold to the peace that comes from trusting God.
Remember that you are not alone. The God of the Angel Armies lives within you. Your brothers are not far off—we’re in this together!
Lead your families well. It’s up to you, and no other. The term “husband,” means “band around the house.” Be that physical and spiritual band. You can do it because you are on the Lord’s side—you are men!
Again, get right with your wives and children. No excuses. No worries. Be courageous, be men, and make God and heaven’s armies proud!
Demons are shuddering. Angels are gathering. The heroes of our faith and Saints of Old are watching. They are with the Heavenly Hosts, cheering you on to victory!
Sometimes, it’s the simple prayer of a desperate heart that changes everything!
I know my Heavenly Father has me where he wants me, in his capable hands. But sometimes I forget. It’s not always easy to place my life and my prayers into his hands. When the struggling is over, and I rest in who he is, I find peace and the assurance that he hears my prayers.
I can, and do, at times, recount the prayers in which he’s answered. Since, in most times, my prayers are about major issues, they indeed are worth remembering and thanking him all over again. But those desperate, little prayers are just as meaningful too and worth remembering.
This is why the first word His Holy Spirit teaches us to say is “Abba Father,” which actually means “poppa,” or “da-da” in Hebrew. He wants that kind of trust and familiarity from us. The God of All Creation invites us to call out to him as an infant, frail, dependent, and trusting.
My favorite title in all the world is “Daddy.” It was my precious daughter, Tessa, who’d call me daddy, while my boys would call me dad or pops. Daddy is the title that would melt my heart and soften my face.
I truly believe that our Heavenly Father loves us to call him “daddy,” “poppa,” or even “da-da.” I think he wants to hear that name and title from you. I believe that Abba may be God’s favorite name.
One lonely and rainy morning, I was traveling to Castro Valley, California, for work. It was 5:30 a.m., still dark, as I was approaching Vasco Road in Brentwood. I had been prayerless for weeks, as I had drifted away from God. I desperately wanted to pray, but I had lost my words and was filled with shame.
I remembered a simple prayer that I read in a book by Brennan Manning, titled: “Abba’s Child” – The Cry of The Heart For Intimate Belonging.
I began reciting the words:
“Abba-Father, I belong to you—Abba-Father, I belong to you!”
Over and over again, this prayer bubbled up from my desperate and lonely heart.
With the rain pounding my windshield, tears began streaming down my face, making it harder to see.
With more than a few dozen cars ahead of me, I came to a stop at the dreaded lighted intersection of Camino Diablo and Vasco Road. While traffic was inching along, I kept desperately praying that simply prayer, “Abba-Father, I belong to you.”
In my desperatness, I added, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine, his banner over me is love,” taken from the Old Testament book, Songs of Songs.
I finally made it to the intersection, as one by one, each car negotiated their turns. The rain still pouring down, I completed my turn onto Vasco Road, heading towards Livermore to catch HWY 580, still crying and praying with all my heart.
As soon as my headlights illuminated the car in front of me, their license plate frame brightly reflected to me the following words:
“ABBA’S CHILD.”
I had to wipe my eyes, just to confirm what I was seeing was real! My heart became instantly alive again. My soul began to soar! I heard God, loud and clear, in the depths of my heart and with my own eyes!
God had heard my simple but desperate prayer. He reminded me in that moment at Camino Diablo and Vasco Road that I am still his child.
I am Abba’s Child! God’s miraculous reminder changed me in an instant and restored my soul!
God hears our prayers! Even when we’ve brushed him off or drifted far away from him. Abba-God rushes back at the sound of our cries—at the sound of our awkward prayers, he comes back into our lives just as a real daddy does.
I ask you to look at the photo below and imagine yourself in Abba’s embrace. Now, release your fears, worries, concerns; your sicknesses, and diseases; your loss of love or marriage; your suffering and finances, and all your loneliness and let it all go into Abba-God’s strong and sure embrace. Take a deep breath, relax—let it go, he can handle it all.
“The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord, And He delights in his way [and blesses his path]. When he falls, he will not be hurled down because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.” –Psalm 37:23-24 Amplified Bible
Do you see? You belong to him, as a legitimate son or daughter—you’re his responsibility.
Now thank him and sleep well tonight, and when you wake up, remind yourself of this little prayer:
“Abba Father, I belong to you—Abba Father, I belong to you.” I am my beloved’s, and he is mine; his banner over me is love. Amen
The riots you’ve engaged in throughout America’s major cities, universities, and college campuses are not necessarily battles against migrants, legal or not, or Israelis vs. Palestinians.
The real battle is for your mind and the corruption of your youth. The riots are merely symptomatic of how far the Leftist and Marxist ideologies have replaced your free thinking and commonsense. They’ve simply melded communistic ideologies and Islamic-jihadism into a deadly potion of hate.
You don’t see it, but we do — you’re so consumed with hatred and racism that its made you ugly!
Your minds have been assaulted, and your wills, your voices, and bodies are under psychological control. You’ve been duped into believing that their “end” is justified and that you’ll be accepted by taking up their “means.”
Don’t you see?
They’re appealing to your hurts—to your betrayals—to your brokenness caused by loved ones. They’re penetrating your wounded psyche, so as to impregnate your mind with Marxist and Islamic ideologies, which become fertilized by your anger, fear, and pain, until you explode and rage against society, or any antithetical political person, or group.
You must be aware by now that “Free thinking” and “tolerant” Leftist and Marxist people don’t exist. Rather, they coddle you and corral you into a groupthink mentality, which is how they mass produce you into a homogenous collective, whereby you become tolerant of each other but intolerant of everyone else.
Their expectation and plan is for you to cause division and that you use your feelings and misguided passions as weapons against neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family—those people you’ve once loved. The Left lurk in the shadows, wooing you into their darkness. They get to keep their tenured positions and ranks as “professors,” “educators,” and “politicians,” while you do their dirty work!
Leftist and Marxist ideologies demand the enslavement of your body, soul, and mind — your freedom of thought and action is an illusion. They’re only after you and your new comrades as the uninformed collective to incite riot until riots become revolution and rioters become revolutionaries.
ANTIFA and RUP are not fighting against Fascism, but for Fascism. Whether you accept it or not, ANTIFA and Raza are the cloaked and masked soldiers of the Fascistic political Left. Many were homegrown and millions illegally imported via mass “migration.” You are actually destroying freedom, liberty, and our Constitutional Republic. This will not bode well for America’s future and for your’s, too!
They instill fear and apocalyptic doom into your psyche in order that they may channel all your youthful energies towards their goals of societal collapse. You become their puppets all the while creating an illusion that you’re in control. But you are not. You and your comrades are under their power and (man)-ipulation.
The Elitists Cabal has bewitched you into dehumanizing ordinary people as animals, ready to be slaughtered. They have turned you into mechanized-mind-numbed robots, hell-bent on revolution without just cause or logical sense. You are in an alliance of all that is evil against all that is good. They’ve redefined their evil as the “collective good” so that you may believe their unrighteous intentions are a righteous and worthy cause.
Don’t give into their Incideous puppeteering — they’re trying to develop you into an army of lifeless and mindless puppets, so that you can kill life without remorse. You are being prepped for a bloody revolution.
Here’s a historical fact … After revolution, the uninformed collective is always murdered off. The Insidious Cabal, after gaining their power, will have no more use for you. They’ll kill you to prevent you, as their former revolutionaries from becoming soldiers for a more noble cause against them!
Rioters and Revolutionaries, just stop for a moment and question what you’re doing and for whom you’re doing it. Please understand that you are losing your humanity and humanness, all for the sake of another man’s revolution and for their madness for power and control.
Just watch the videos of your comrades and fellow rioters, committing assault and battery against fellow citizens, politicians, and authorities, scaring students, parents, and administrators. These people are simply standing against the slaughter of 1,400 Israelis and the kidnapping of the innocent. They simply want the criminal element of illegal immigration to end. Honestly, who’s more inhuman, those that riotously beat and murder others and damage private and public property, or those who simply support the innocent and the laws of our nation?
You are merely powerless and useful pawns in the eyes of the elitists, and they have no respect towards you — absolutely none at all!
You are not making history, but as their lemmings, you’re destroying it!
R.I.O.T. for Truth through the power of love and not hate. Make your life about the Righteous Invasion of Truth rather than the disastrous father of lies and the rise of a Communist State.
“Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?” ~ Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
Every man has a responsibility and privilege to “unearth” and discover the beauty within his wife, girlfriend, or daughter. He can either bring it to the surface, cherish, and celebrate it, or he can tragically ignore it, leaving it buried.
Men, we will be held to account and will not escape God’s notice for every wrinkle and stain we inflict on the hearts of our wives and daughters. Their hearts surpasses our careers, our man-toys, and sport statistics.
I was speaking with my son, Jordan, one day about women and dating. We talked about how some women are too willing to give themselves to men, and too many men are predatory. I’ll never forget my son’s answer to a question I had asked him:
What do you do, son, when you find yourself in a situation where a woman throws herself at you?
“Dad, he replied, I will not take what doesn’t belong to me.”
I sat there, momentarily shocked and pleasantly surprised by his answer. His response was far beyond how most men, young or old, would’ve answered that question.
My son understands that a real man gives, and does not take from a woman, no matter how beautiful or how needy she may be.
Nature teaches us that a man gives from his masculine strength, and a woman is a “receiver” from within her feminine soul—from her feminine “frailty.” This, in no wise, suggests that the feminine soul is weak. Her feminine frailty is in her curvaceous form; it’s in the delicacy of her frame and the softness of her skin. A real woman is ferociously feminine and powerful in her own ways.
But, her feminine frailty goes deeper than her sexuality. Her true frailty lies deep within her heart and soul, where her sensitive nature lives—where her desire for a deep, meaningful relationship resides—where her dreams live.
When a man takes from a woman, he robs her of all her treasures. He takes and takes, eventually leaving her empty. Leaving her feeling used. Feeling dirty. She’ll feel like an overdrawn bank account, with a guy cashing checks that don’t belong to him.
Our culture is replete with drained and hollowed out women and girls. It’s heartbreaking to see so many of them broken to the point of lifelessness and left with a warped sense of femininity.
Men, we are to be blamed because we have abandoned our masculinity. We succumbed to wokeism and the anti-male culture without a fight! Passivity is unbecoming to the masculine soul.
A man is made to protect and give from his masculine strength. While he too desires to be loved, his heart is after a woman’s respect. Being loved by a woman may be easy for many men, but to be liked — to be admired by her comes with certain sacrifice and humility.
A woman, though powerful in her own way, is made to receive, to be loved; she’s to be fought for, cherished, and wanted. She doesn’t want to be the center of a man’s world — she wants to share the world with her man. She doesn’t want to be the adventure — she desires to be adventurous with him.
When you give to a woman—when you honestly love a her, you make her beautiful on the inside and radiant on the outside.
Tell your wife, your girlfriend, or your daughter that you love them in a thousand different ways and, if necessary, use words.
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
My son Jordan and I listened to several of John Eldredge’s podcasts on the way down to Bakersfield a few years ago. We talked about how good It would be if we could get a weekend retreat scheduled to help men and boys with their brokenness and father hunger.
One thing that Jordan and I have learned in hosting many retreats in the past, is that if a man is to be healed from the father wound, or to draw closer to the heart of God, going to the mountains and spending a little time away from the familiar and from responsibilities provides an excellent environment to find clarity and healing.
There is a clear biblical mandate in scriptures for fathers and sons to turn their hearts towards each other, as written in Malachi 4:5-6 and in Luke 1:17.
Did you know that God closes the Old Testament with Fathers turning their hearts towards their sons, Malachi 4:5-6, and then opens the New Testament with the same message in Luke 1:17? As a matter of fact, a broken and wounded relationship between fathers and sons leads to a cursed life. In turn, a cursed life causes the wounded sons of Adam to detest and avoid the Father Heart of God. And, like Adam, we are driven away from God and cover our nakedness (shame) with a false life and endless pursuits of Eve (the woman).
Eve becomes a surrogate; a pseudo-god in place of the Father Heart of God. Her comfort replaces the comfort from Father God, and her beauty replaces the glory of God. So, man sees his reflection in the woman rather than in God. He grades himself and his masculinity in the responses and opinions he receives from women.
I find it interesting that God created Adam apart from Eve. God walked with Adam for some time before he created and presented the woman to him. If a man is to walk with God; if he is to be fathered by God, he must let go of Eve. He must cease his pursuit for her comfort; for her beauty, and her maternal instinct to satisfy his father hunger.
A woman can not bestow masculinity, nor can her maternal instinct heal the wounded masculine soul. He is father-famished, and mothering this type of wound will further emasculate him, extending his adolescence years and perhaps decades beyond the stage of normal boyhood.
Read the following short conversation between Nullah, a little half breed Aboriginal boy, and Drover, an Australian cattle driver from the movie Australia:
Nullah: You a man, Drover?
Drover: Yeah, I try to be.
Nullah: Sometimes man got to get away from woman.
Drover: Maybe.
Nullah: That’s why you go droving.
Drover: I go droving ’cause that’s my job.
Nullah: If you don’t go droving, you not a man.
Young Nullah has learned from his grandfather, King George, an old Aboriginal man that a boy can not become a man until he leaves his mother and completes his walkabout into the wilderness.
Drover, played by Hugh Jackman, later explains to Lady Sarah Ashley, played by Nicole Kidman, that Nullah needs to go on walkabout and that without ceremony (walkabout) the boy will have no love in his heart, he’ll have nothing; no dreaming, no story, and no country.
And this is the problem with our culture. Boys do not, in a healthy way, detach from the woman, which should be initiated by the father’s invitation. The ceremony between father and son never happens, and so, the son remains a boy with no love in his heart, no dreaming, no story, and no country or belonging. As a matter of fact, for far too many boys, there is no father to speak of. And so, men awkwardly and inappropriately remain attached to the woman as mother rather than as an equal. Romance becomes incestuous and confusing, as men become seekers of mothers rather than partners.
I have firsthand experience with this. You see, I lived a parent-child relationship for the first fifteen years of my marriage to Toni. It was a wise counselor, Jim Matthews, who pointed this out to Toni and I during a crisis therapy session. Oddly, Toni was the mother I’d always wanted, and I was the son she wanted to fix and mother. I was terribly unfathered and a broken man. We almost lost our marriage many times throughout those first fifteen years.
At one point, Toni stepped out in faith and ceased mothering me, which allowed me to fail or succeed until I became the man she needed and deserved. Without my wife acting as my mother, I had to grow up, or I’d lose my family of three sons and one daughter. My legacy and my children’s future were at stake.
In a miraculous way, and due to the courage of my wife, I became the man, husband, and father my family needed and deserved. This is why I have written this article, to tell others that change is possible, even in the most damaged life or marriage, there is hope and healing. My good friends, Dustin Scott Guerrero and his wife Angie Orlando-Guerrero also have an amazing and beautiful story of healing and restoration that is powerful and inspiring. Their’s is the kind of story that would make an amazing Hollywood movie!
You see, a real woman does not want a grown man to follow her around like a lost boy or puppy. When the cuteness wears off, she awkwardly becomes a mother, rather than a lover of a true man. Relationships become difficult when a man can not give, but is in contestant need to receive.
A man must detach from Eve in order to become attached to the Father Heart of God. Without a father in the life of a boy, the boy becomes lost and wounded. When the boy ages into adulthood, without initiation and ceremony, he hides his unfathered and boyish heart with the fig leaves of false masculinity and posing.
Wounded boys and men like this need healing. Jordan and I have witnessed the miracle of healing and restoration of men’s hearts to the Father Heart of God in the space of a few days. God can and does heal by just one word. After all, did not God speak the world into existence by the Word of his power?
“For He spoke, and all things came into being. A single command from His lips and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.” –Psalms 33:9
“His Son is the radiance of his glory, the very image of his substance, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purified us of our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high…” –Hebrews 1:3
Yes, God can do a miracle in a man’s soul with one word!
Also, do you see the connection between “His Son is the radiance of his glory,” and “you, being, or becoming His son,” reflecting his radiance? This is something that only the Father-God can do. This is not the woman’s place or role in a man’s life.
A real woman desires a real man. However, so many women have settled for boys trapped inside the body of a man and so become mothers. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. Women searching for real men and real men searching for real women, but finding only the adolescent forms of what whole men and women should be. Only God can stop this cycle, and it starts with the healing of father wounds in the hearts of men and women.
The enemy has spoken words of power also, and so stricken and wounded the hearts of people by using wounded fathers and mothers, too, to wound the heart and soul of their offspring. Thus perpetuating cursed boys and girls, which grow up with insatiable (impossible to satisfying) desires, or appetites for sex and drugs, or eating disorders. The hole is a God sized hole, which only his wholeness can fill. But since many significant wounds originate with the father or mother, they are driven away from the Father Heart of God and the nurturing and maternal presence of the Holy Spirit.
John Eldredge, author and speaker, wrote the following:
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
And so, we live a life without tears, without compassion and love for our own wounded hearts and souls. We all die silently while God has delivered to us our only remedy, that is, Jesus Christ.
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” said Jesus –John 14:6.
The Father is the principal destination, and the Son is the vehicle, or passage way to the heart of Abba-God. (Abba is Hebrew for: Papa or Da-da, an endearing term for Father).
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” –Romans 8:15
“Because you are now part of God’s family, He sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts; and the Spirit calls out, “Abba, Father.” –Galatians 4:6
For those who have the Water of Life, start watering. For those of you, my dear friends, and those whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and you will never go thirsty again.
Jesus said, “… Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” –John 4:14
If you want to hear more about this amazing Water and the Father Heart of God, message me, or ask for it from others who are drinking from this Well of Life and who are acquainted with the Abba of Jesus.
Don’t remain in slavery, and do not give into fear, but receive the Spirit of Life, of adoption into the family of God — into the Father-Heart of God.
Do not silently hide, or dismiss your heart, become the man you were meant to become, and simply pray and ask God to father you in the way you should go, and you will find peace and wholeness.
Our God is no deadbeat, Dad, but the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace! –Isaiah 9:6
Becoming a true and whole man is what every real woman desires — she’s after the authentic you!
A little girl understands the significance of inner beauty from her daddy. Her mother may teach her the practicality and meaning of femininity, but her daddy will teach her the importance of feminine beauty and being captivating in heart and soul.
To ignore this writes John Eldredge:
“… to dismiss her little twirls, bashful smiles, and cries, of: “Daddy, do you see me? Daddy, do you delight in me? Daddy, do you have time for me?”
To ignore these important things, can create ugliness on the inside and an overemphasis on external beauty.
So many little girls are wounded in heart and soul by a brute father, cruelty, or physical violence. This is not to marginalize or diminish the pain of abuse, which so many little girls and women have suffered. However, a father’s absence, busyness, or silence can damage her inner beauty and feminine heart too.
I know this because I have a fantastic, graceful, brilliant, and gentle daughter named Tessa. She is blessed with a natural outer beauty, and, despite my long periods of absence in her younger years, she radiates inner beauty and a love for life. She is also very creative and has become a very bright and savvy businesswoman.
Yes, I know about wounded little girls and wounded wives. I wish I could undo the absent and silent years while I was too busy with career and acclimation, fame, and fortune. I hate that not only did I validate much of my wife’s wounding, but I created wounding within the heart and soul of my precious daughter.
But, as fathers and daddies, if we turn our hearts back towards our daughters, they can be set free to twirl, smile, and light up with inner beauty, no matter how young or old. It is never, absolutely never too late to heal the damage we men, young and old, have inflicted on the most precious gift as a little girl.
If we don’t, she’ll go on, accentuating her outer beauty and cultivating and shaping her femininity as a weapon against other women and allurement to capture men’s primal instinct and attention, whereby she’ll ruin herself repeatedly.
The hole in her heart is caused not by strangers, boyfriends, or lovers but by a father, and no other man on earth can make her whole again except the man called, daddy.
A wound where there are no tears, but only a hardened heart and dry soul, is a heart and soul that a miracle can only heal. Fathers, you are that miracle!
My daughter has told me many times, while we’re in public, “did you see the way that girl looked at me?” It took me a while to understand and catch what she had experienced, but one day, I saw the snarling look girls give to pretty girls. The irony is that the angry or jealous girl may be blessed with outer beauty.
But doesn’t this speak to the real issue—the real battle within the wounded feminine heart and soul?
She feels threatened and at war with outer beauty, no matter how unattractive or beautiful an opponent may be—she can’t help but constantly compare herself to them. Her extreme focus blinds her to the inner emptiness of others. This is because she has long forgotten or is unaware of her inner beauty. So all that is left is the shell and not the substance of who she truly is—she is lost.
A wise and good father will point his daughter to a greater Father by loving her from the inside out. By loving her from his heart to hers, he grants her the belief and faith in a Loving and Father-Hearted God.
“No one can come to the Father, Jesus has said, except through me.” John 14: 6. And, with the passageway and destination to God being both males, a father-wounded girl may have difficulty trusting these words of Jesus, or the goodness of the heart of a Father-God.
The Evil One uses a father’s inexperience and his childhood wounding from his own father to harm the daughters and sons that he’s begotten. This is called a schism, a well-planted wedge of hurt and pain from one victim to the next, from one father to daughters and sons, until generations are inflicted with heartlessness, self-loathing, and with an over-emphasis on the flesh.
If we fail to turn to our daughters, a wounded girl will compete aggressively among other sufferers, among other wounded girls. The only difference between a wounded little girl and a wounded and grown woman is the cost of their hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories.
I have nothing against makeup, clothing, or a little bling. But, if you want the right kind of man, wouldn’t you instead captivate him with your heart and soul? If not, you may fall for a guy who’ll not see you, not delight in you, and not spends time with you. You’ll settle for the abuse of silence and busyness, a hollow man only satisfied with your competitive and external beauty, which you must constantly fight against, foods, fads, and aging.
Wouldn’t you want a man who values and is captivated by your heart and soul? After all, your heart and soul are eternal and not external.
Healing is possible. Life is possible. And Love is worth fighting for, and a daddy’s love is worth risking the hurt of possible rejection. But, “faith, hope, and love are eternal,” and, as it further says in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13, the Love Chapter, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”
… Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, and always perseveres. Love never fails.
…And now these three remain faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. –I Corinthians 13: 4-8,13.
If you want “Happily-Ever-After,” you must find the guy who’s after your heart, not your body or made-up face. When you do, you’ll be happy and free to live and be truly loved.
It is the heart—it’s always been the heart. And not only is this the part of you which Christ came to heal, but also to make his home with you— inside your heart.
“The Spirit of the Lord, the Eternal, is on me. The Lord has appointed me for a special purpose. He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to repair broken hearts, And to declare to those who are held captive and bound in prison, “Be free from your imprisonment!” He has sent me to announce the year of jubilee, the season of the Eternal One’s favor:
For our enemies, it will be a day of God’s wrath; For those who mourn, it will be a time of comfort. As for those who grieve over Zion, God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness.” –Isaiah 61: 1-3 (VOICE)
To be seen or not to be seen? That is a great question. Start with the healing of your heart, so all will go well with you.
Be seen as radiant and beautiful of heart, and let all other fads, fashions, and accessories go. Nothing is more important than you and the little girl who was once lost and is now found, loved, and celebrated of heart and soul.
I see you!
I love the scene from the movie, “The Last of the Mohicans,” when Cora Munro, played by Madeleine Stowe, is seen by Hawkeye, played by Daniel Day-Lewis.
Cora: “What are you looking at, Sir?”
—She neither expected nor anticipated the answer she received and appeared awkward and bashful, but she is captivated by his seeing her.-
“I’m looking at you, Miss,” Hawkeye said steadily.
I’m looking at you, Toni Koester. You are a captivating and radiant woman of heart and soul — I see you!
A life where there’s no believin’ is a life where there’s no livin’.
Have you noticed lately that the things worth believin in are quickly disappearing?
Sadly, many marriages and romances are vanishing. I’m not talking about Hollywood’s shallow relationships but marriages of our friends and family members. I think marriages fail because people, once in love, stopped believin in the important things.
It’s not about the type of groom we were during the wedding. That’s the easy part. That day was fanciful, romantic, and ceremonial. It’s the kind of man that we’ve become in the crucible of marriage, and while the ceremony has long since faded, romance and passion are still alive and well. That’s the sign of a good marriage and of a good man. We need more good men and healthy marriages these days.
A good man brings out the best in his woman. Likewise, a good woman does the same for her man. A marriage becomes ugly when we forget those things.
I love the movie “Secondhand Lions,” starring Robert Duvall. It’s a movie rich with quotable dialog.
“… True love never dies. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. A man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believin in.”
True love never dies. It’s certainly true of our faith, isn’t it? Christ’s love for his Bride will never die, neither his love for you, if you believe in those things, and in Him, because, “those things are worth believin in.”
As a matter of fact, it’s Christ in us, which makes us into a good man and a good woman. And, the trinity of Jesus, a man, and a woman together as one creates an unbeatable marriage.
The reason why so many good marriages fail is when one or both walk away from Jesus as the center of their individual lives and the center of their marriage. The reason why the world hates marriage is because it is the physical manifestation of the Holy Trinity. It is a Living example of Christ loving the Church and giving up His life for her, His Bride.
“I’m Hub McCann. I’ve fought in two World Wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I’ve seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I’ve won and lost a dozen fortunes, KILLED MANY MEN and loved only one woman with a passion a FLEA like you could never begin to understand. That’s who I am!” The movie, “Second Hand Lions”
Who are you?
What kind of Man are you?
What kind of woman are you?
When you have no firm identity, you have only weakness against the things out to destroy your love for your wife or husband. You have very little strength to fight the enemy of your relationship with God.
So goes your relationship with God, so goes everything else!
A good and lasting marriage vitally depends on your relationship to God through Jesus Christ. Remember? It’s the three-fold cord of Christ Jesus, a man, and a woman. That’s your superpower against the enemy of your marriage.
Don’t settle for the passion of a flea. Have the passion of a ferocious lover, willing to surrender and sacrifice your life for the one you love and for God, the Lover of your soul.
I know that so many of you, even my close friends, have given up on their marriages and God. You’ve walked away searching for meaning, significance, and identity. You’ll not find it in another lover if you never had it with the one you left.
You’ll only find meaning, significance, and identity in God. Not in sex, romance, and one-nighters. Turn back to Him, and turn back to your First Love.
“These are the things worth believin in.”
So, don’t be a flea brain! Believe in the things worth believin in.
Toni and I often talk about life changes, boundaries, and priorities. But family always tops our list.
Watching our children grow up, getting married, and seeing them succeed in their careers is what brings us joy. But what’s much more important is their relationships with each other and their commitment to our family and to the families they’re building.
The older I get, inching closer to the end of life, the irony is that it forces you to live a more meaningful life now, or at least it should. To wait until retirement to prioritize family is a sad mistake that I think too many make.
We do need to die, in some respects, to those things which promote death and live more towards those things which promote life. It’s like choosing between bacon, which I love, but it fosters death, and beansprouts, which I hate but promote life. However, living life on hospital food is certainly no fun either. So, we strive for a balance. And, this is what my brush with death has taught me.
The movie “Click,” with Adam Sandler, has some great truths running through it, along with its great humor and satire.
Morty (The Angel of Death), played by Christopher Walken, tells Michael Newman, played by Adam Sandler, who’s fast-forwarding his way through life with an enchanted TV clicker:
Morty remarks:
“He’s always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it’s just cornflakes.”
Towards the end of the movie (WARNING SPOILER ALERT), Michael finally gets it and cries out, in his throes of death:
Michael Newman: [dying] “Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST.”
Isn’t it so true? Family should come first, and I can promise, in the very moment when life is quickly or slowly draining from your body, it’s family that first comes to your mind…
… I want to see our two grandchildren, with Josh and Jenny, grow up.
Oh my goodness, it’s Tessa’s 24th birthday, and I will miss it!
Tears began rolling down my face as I saw those moments of life fast-forwarding before me. That was my wake-up call at 2:30 in the morning, Friday, October 11, 2013, as I sat in triage at the Sonora Adventist Hospital all alone, and when the reality of “heart attack” was suggested by the ER physician.
I wanted to exchange “I love you” with my wife and children again! I wanted to see who’d become my son, Jordan’s wife, and welcome her into our family.
I confess that not one of my projects, clients, or deadlines entered my mind while facing the prospect of a heart attack. Not one more contract signing or one more insurance settlement, which I have to face, is most likely what put me in the hospital in the first place.
As it turned out, it wasn’t a heart attack, but me, attacking my heart because of too many “yeses” and not enough “nos.” My physician told me that too much stress could cause cardiac arrest.
I need to say a serious “YES” to life and a meaningful “NO” to death. It’s the wrong choices in those subtle moments that can soon pile up into a health crisis. It is all those times when the tyranny of less critical things overrules the more essential things of life.
“Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no; anything more than that is from the Evil One.” Matthew 5:37 – Jesus of Nazareth
I don’t think striving to love your family correctly, keeping your promises, being home on time for dinner, or kissing your wife and kids goodbye in the morning has put anybody into the hospital.
Proverbs 4:23 says it best: “Guard your heart more than anything else because the source of life flows from it.”
It’s the redeemed heart where God lives that is our source of life. This, too, is where our families live and dwell. This is also where the love of our life resides. Work should never enter our hearts the way God and our loved ones do, for it will always push God, family, and our loved ones out! Guard your heart more than anything else! Not your reputation, ego, pride, or being right—but your HEART!
Our misplaced priorities will always attack what truly matters to our hearts and, if ignored, may eventually cause you to attack your heart, like I did.
So, my new motto for life:
“Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST!”
In this, we find all the treasures of life, and it’s those relationships and memories that are worth living and fighting for.
After all, everything else, “at the end of the day, is just cornflakes!”
It’s those forgotten little memories that can change everything!
Early in 1998, my brother called and told me that my dad was dying of cancer and that dad was asking for me.
When I heard this, I was very upset. Not that my father was dying, mind you, but that he’d asked for me. I needed him all my life, and now, he’s asking for me?
“Tell Dad I’m not coming!” I replied.
I have four brothers and a sister, and they all called me, urging me to visit Dad. A week or so went by, and I finally caved into the pressure.
I first visited my dad in the Contra Costa County Hospital, as the VA in Martinez, California, was short on beds. There, he lay in a bed surrounded by adjustable rails. My younger brother, John, and my mother were present.
My mom pulled me aside to tell me the seriousness of Dad’s esophageal cancer. She said, “It doesn’t look good, I’ve researched the prognosis, and he doesn’t have much time left.” By the time I had visited my father, he’d already been battered by chemotherapy and every other treatment.
The cancer had permanently closed up his esophagus, and he could no longer swallow but was fed through a feeding tube, which was surgically inserted through the side of his abdomen and directly into his stomach. My father was so frightened; I had never seen him so fragile and helpless.
Since things did not look good for my dad, I called one of my pastors from our church in Danville, California, called East Bay Fellowship, which I was attending with my wife and kids. I asked if Pastor Allan Shrewsbury could come by and pray over my father in the hope that it would give him some comfort.
Pastor Allan quickly arrived, praying with my dad and confirming my father’s faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior.
It was getting late, and we began to ready ourselves to leave when I noticed tears filling my father’s eyes, along with the room filling with a sense of heaviness. It seemed as though this might be our last goodbye. I think the feeling of; “he may not make it through the night” hit all of us at the same time.
Compassion began to rise within my heart. I leaned over his bedrail and gently kissed my father’s unshaven face. His prickly whiskers caused my lips to tingle. My brother John leaned in and kissed our dad, as did my mom, and then we all tried to convince and reassure him that he would be fine as we slowly left the room.
As John and I walked out together towards the parking lot, my lips still tingling, I said:
“John, there is something strangely familiar about kissing dad.” I continued:
“My lips—they’re still tingling!”
John responded:
“What’s up with you, Tom? Don’t you remember when we were little kids, we’d line up in front of dad’s favorite chair and kiss him goodnight on his cheek, and he’d say with a smile,
’… Don’t let the bedbugs bite!’”
All of a sudden, good memories came flooding into my mind. That gentle kiss on my father’s unshaven face was a key to my dungeon of despair and loneliness. All my years of anger, bitterness, and hatred; all my doubts and unforgiveness, all swallowed up from the tingly whiskers of my father’s unshaven face!
After that moment, I couldn’t wait to see my father. I saw him over the next several months as often as I could.
Several weeks before my dad passed away, a nurse came into his hospital room, asking:
“Who is your executor and healthcare director?”
My father lifted his feeble arm and pointed in my direction. I turned to see if one of my two older brothers was behind me, but there was no one.
For some, this would have been an unwelcome appointment, a burden, but for me, it meant I had my father’s complete and utter trust and respect. The significance of my dad’s appointment was a paradigm shift for me, possibly one of my most life-affirming events.
Later, I learned that my father had consulted with my mother about whom he should appoint as Trustee of his estate and healthcare. My mother agreed with my dad on his final choice. My sister, Laurie, was also named co-trustee. Simply amazing!
A few weeks later, my dad’s condition was worsening. His organs were beginning to show signs of shutting down. At this point, my siblings and I would trade off, spending the night with Dad alone.
Finally, it was my turn. It was October 7, 1998. I arrived shortly after the dinner hour. A nurse brought in a cot with a blanket and a pillow for me to sleep on. My dad and I talked for quite a while, mostly about politics, which was my dad’s favorite topic. Soon, it was lights out, which never happens in a hospital.
As I lay there, realizing the significance of this moment with my dad, I knew if I didn’t say what was indeed on my heart now, that this moment would be lost forever. You see, my father had never told me that he loved me. I was thirty-nine years old, and my dad was about to turn sixty-nine the next day. I wanted so much to hear those words from him; no, I needed to hear those words from him—something in me was guiding me and granting me the courage to say what I needed to say:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?” he replied
Dad … I love you!” I said cautiously.
Only mere seconds passed by, but it felt like years.
“… I love you too, son,” Dad replied.
I exchanged “I love you” with my dad for what seemed like all night long! I said those precious and life-giving words, which he echoed back:
“I love you too, son.”
All my hate and anger against my dad had washed away, and now for good! I heard the three most important words every son or daughter needs to hear:
“I love you, son!”
“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the LORD arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” — Malachi 4: 5-6
The days of the “curse” were finally over for me. For a greater spirit than Elijah had entered that hospital room that night. The Spirit of the Living God had softened the hearts of father and son, and the mess I had made of my life suddenly became beautiful!
“His wrath, you see, is fleeting, but His grace lasts a lifetime. The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.” — Psalms 30:5
My dad, while broken with cancer, poured into me so much life and hope, and, in such a short time! The man whom I had despised all of my life was my dad, with whom I just fell in love but who is now leaving.
The morning came, with it, a smile and a “Happy Birthday, Dad!”
It was October 8, 1998, and my father wanted to get cleaned up for his Birthday. He said:
“Tom, get my shaving bag, it’s over there, in that cabinet.”
“Here it is, Dad,” I replied.
“Okay, get my Electric Shave lotion and my razor out,” my dad directed, and then he asked:
“Son, will you shave my face?”
This may sound silly, but this was the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with my father. The whiskers that tingled my lips and softened the hardness of my heart, the mouth that finally spoke: “I love you too, son,” was the face I was about to care for and shave.
“The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”
… and I shaved my father’s face.
That is why I would not change a single moment of my life. The pain is swallowed up in the sweetness of heartfelt forgiveness and the “I love yous.” For what had become broken has now been given, and the mess of my life has now become beautiful!
Four days later, on October 12, 1998, my father passed away. At his right-hand side, I stood a restored and beloved son, loved and approved. As life was quickly draining from my dad, he looked up towards the ceiling, letting out his final breath; he smiled, his heartbeat stopped, and we wept loudly in the grief of our great loss! I then reached over his body and closed my father’s eyes.
He died my hero triumphantly and bravely; he faced death and passed from this life into the heart of God.
“Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now?” – I Corinthians 15:55
While this was both a painful and magical time for me, these events with my father were a new beginning and a paradigm shift for my present and future.
I can honestly say that God used the final moments of my father’s life to make me into a better man, a restored son, and a better father.
Letting my anger for my father go allowed love to come bursting in. Becoming my father’s beloved son made it possible for me to believe I could be God’s beloved son, too.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’ll see you in heaven. I love you, dad!
Call To Courage 