What To Do When Parents Abuse – By Thomas J. Koester

“Fathers, don’t irritate your children and make them resentful; instead, raise them with the Lord’s kind of discipline and guidance.” – Ephesians 6:4

When strangers or acquaintances abuse us, it hurts, but not as much as when it’s a sibling, mom, or dad. You see, all of our identity and self-worth are derived from family but especially from our parents. When their abuse is emotional, spiritual, verbal, physical, etc., it attacks the core of our identity.

Toni and I are battling 35 years of abuse with her family, and especially with her parents.

Toni’s father was a pastor for most of Toni’s life. What she encountered as abuse was spiritual and religious in nature, steeped in legalism and perfectionism. Her mother told Toni and her siblings to deny their feelings. To go against instinct – to submit beyond question. To fear fear. Accept failure but to keep quiet. To compromise inner truth for outer fakeness.

My story was filled, as you may know, with physical and violent abuse. I dare say, I prefer the abuse that I endured more than what my dear Toni, has endured, and still does to this day!

I’ve asked a question several times over the years when speaking at men’s retreats and gatherings.

“Which would you rather have, a broken leg or a broken heart?”

Everyone in the room, shouted:

“A broken leg!”

This is because most of us, sadly, are well acquainted with the deep pain of a broken heart and the countless years of suffering.

My wife’s heart, while broken during her adolescent life, is undergoing healing over her adult years as she walks with God. Her healing could be accelerated if her parents would join her in her healing journey.

Yet, her parents want her and me, too, to “see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil.” This silence and blindness to evil has allowed the unmitigated reign of evil over many in her family. It’s painful to watch, but prayer gives us our only hope.

However, religious abuse is hard to see, because it looks socially acceptable—it looks so spiritual! Sadly, the abuse that Toni is suffering has wreaked havoc on her innocence. Her frailty. Her femininity. On her mind. On her heart and soul. This caused her to feel spiritually dirty most of her life and hyper-subjective.

Because her abuse was from religious parents, it locked her into a prison of impossible expectations. A perfectionism that not even God would impose. Right? God’s perfection is imputed or placed upon us by the works of Jesus. Toni was expected to be perfect by religious means and not by divine decree. Sadly, this is the story of many children who are fathered by ministers.

So, how do we forgive mom or dad, or both?

“Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land and that it may go well with you.” – Deuteronomy 5:16

Remember, this is God’s command with no prerequisites. It’s his 5th commandment—smack-dab in the middle!

One reason God gives us this command is because parents, by design, are to be “lesser gods” to their offspring. The fifth commandment can also be applied to God.

Honor [God] so that you may live long in the land and that all my go well with you.

So, when we dishonor our parents, we also dishonor God, and we put great risks to our well-being and life expectancy.

But what about abusive parents? Are we to honor our abusers?

Here’s the question: Did God give us our parents, or did God give us to our parents?

It’s important to know, for several reasons.

The Allmighty of Scriptures is the Sovereign God. He’s the divine architect and the builder. He is motivated by nothing else than his will and purpose. Also, scripture is quite clear that God is very relational, right down to the individual — the individual parent and child. It boggles the mind, or at least mine, that God thought of you, me, and our parents before space and time!

“Before the creation of the world, he chose us through Christ to be holy and perfect in his presence.” – Ephesians 1:4

“The Lord formed me from the beginning before he created anything else. I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began. – Proverbs 8:22-23

You see, we simply cannot deny that God put us into the care, good or bad, of our parents. We also can’t deny that God, intimately knowing you before earth began, appointed you to your parents. God is involved in both choices of parents to children and children to parents. There is nothing random about it! We had no say in the transaction.

Rather, God, in his wisdom, has appointed us to our parents, knowing fully that he will establish the commandment to honor them without hesitation and reservation. And that this commandment comes with a two-fold promise — all will go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.

But still, the question of forgiveness for our mom’s and dad’s abuse is unanswered for millions of hurting children of all ages, churched or unchurched.

I do want to address child abuse for those children who are still adolescent. It is not dishonoring to mom or dad if you seek help. This is for those children who are being physically or sexually abused by one or both parents. Speak to a pastor, teacher, school counselor, or coach. These people are required by law to notify Child Protective Services. Your safety is of utmost importance!

But for adult children, whereby we have moved out from mom’s and dad’s house, or perhaps they’re deceased. It’s not that forgiveness is optional. Rather, it is a necessity! Forgiving them is also about honoring them.

Many years ago, while living in Antioch, California, I invited my mother over to have a conversation. It was my plan to recall all the abuse that I had suffered by her hand.

It was just me and mom, sitting together in my home office when I began to unload on her. I was not angry or hard on my mom. I spoke from my heart and carefully described my hurts and scars.

Beginning at age 18 months old, I recalled quite accurately the violent physical abuse my little body suffered in the fit of her rage. I continued each remembrance, each story, as though it had just occurred; from 18 months through my 18th year! At the end of each story, with tears of remembrance traversing my bearded face, I said:

“Mom, I forgive you.”

… My mother just sat there, emotionless, and then replied:

“I don’t remember any of that.”

While her response was painful, I was not completely dispirited. You see, because my forgiveness wasn’t just for her, it was for me, too. While my exchange with mom was difficult, it came from my heart, not to condemn her, but to restore her—to restore us. To move the offense out of the way between mother and son. So that I could love her again. I didn’t need her permission to forgive her, as it was me letting go of all her hurtful acts.

Another twelve years would pass before my mother confessed and agreed to her abusive behavior. Her awakening happened just a few short days before she passed on Mother’s Day, May 11, 2008. It was just my mom and me again, but this time we met in her home. Unquestionably, God was there with mother and son. Both our hearts were tenderized by her battle with pancreatic cancer and softened by God’s mercy and grace. I again forgave my mother, and she humbly accepted my forgiveness as I accepted hers.

How do you know you have forgiven? When you can love them again.

It’s humanly impossible for us to forgive those who have treacherously abused or wronged us. Forgiveness is only possible through God’s grace and empowerment from Jesus Christ. And through Him, we can love again those who have wounded us with broken bones and shattered hearts. It’s called Agape Love — the love of God working in and through us.

My mother didn’t deserve my forgiveness, God required it of me. He knew it would bless me with a good and long life on earth. It was my opportunity to honor my mother. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, and God’s love are what triumphed here. It is what empowered me to do the impossible, which was to forgive my abuser—my own mother.

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” – Isaiah 49:15

Just a few days before my mom’s death, God rembeberd me, and my mom, too. He rescued us both!

Here’s another helpful verse of Scripture written in the last Old Testament book and in the last two verses of the last chapter of Malachi:

“See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.” – Malachi 4:5-6

God softened my heart, and in turn, he softened my mother’s heart. Because of heartfelt forgiveness, my land is no longer cursed. My life is free from bitterness, resentment, and hate. I can honestly say that I miss my mom. She would be 92 years this past February, 25, 2025. Without a doubt, she’s basking in the presence of God, fully forgiven!

What about you? I encourage you, too, to forgive. Even if your parents and abusers are dead. Even more so, forgive them. You see, if they have died, then they’ve met the judge, and justice was measured upon them. All that is left for you is to forgive them and let them go so that you, too, can live well in the land.

Unforgiveness harms no one but yourself. It rots away your present life and eats away at your future. That’s the definition of a cursed life. Kick pride out of your life. It’s killing you! Humble yourself, and God himself will lift you up!

Now you know what to do when parents abuse.

Have courage, my dear friend, trust in God’s Word, and hold tightly to His promises. Though mom or dad may have forgotten you, God never forgets!

Forgiveness is your pathway to living a long and healthy life in the land!

Tears of Sweet Nothing – The Unseen One – By Thomas J. Koester

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn, through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache is written in your book.” –Psalms 56:8

“He has not forgotten the one who is hurting. He has not turned away from his suffering. He has not turned his face away from him. He has listened to his cry for help.” –Psalms 22:24

Our family consisted of eight people, and we lived in our tiny 1400-square-foot, four-bedroom, two-bath home in a housing development in Martinez, CA. I lived there from late 1965 until July 1978.

During those years, I was forced to share a bedroom with my older brother Jeffrey, who is only sixteen months older than me. I had always thought it was a mistake for our parents to room Jeffery and me together, as we constantly fought and were at each other’s throats!

But at the same time, we were both there for each other, especially after we both were terribly beaten, sometimes separately, and at times together, we were lashed, punched, or kicked. During Those moments, Jeffrey and I would become friends and assuage each other’s wounds or share our complaints and anger about what had happened and the unfairness of it all. And maybe our brief times of fellowship and friendship were based on the principle: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Still, Jeffrey helped me as my older brother by caring for me when I was abused.

At times, we’d become fellow cellmates, imprisoned in our bedroom together for hours or perhaps for an entire day. However, I think Jeffrey had it much worse than me, if you can believe it!

At ten years of age, my life began to exhibit evidence of being soul murdered. Although physically alive, my trust and sense of safety were nearly gone. I was incapable of bonding and receiving love or belonging to anyone. The hole this created in me was too broad and deep for any human to fill. I was unwanted and unloved. The abuse was so horrific that it impacted my identity.

During those abusive years, I developed new titles: The Discarded One, The Disgraceful One, and the Unwanted One, which began to dictate my life and identity. My mother bestowed those titles upon me during her fits of rage.

I became a lost boy, un-fathered and un-mothered by nurture and love. My home was my house of horrors. I found solace in living a secret life of fantasy and daydreaming, similar to the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye called: “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”

In elementary school, I would sit there, daydreaming of some incredible feat or be far away on a voyage to uncharted islands of mystery. I always imagined myself as the hero.

After my father had passed away, I found a bundle of old report cards. One report card from my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Dodd, stood out. On the back of the report card was written a personal note to my parents:

“Thomas just seems to sit here in class, daydreaming.”

Growing up, you were always guilty in our home and never allowed the opportunity to plead your innocence. Even if one of my siblings tattled on me, it would often end up with a beating or punishment. The only thing protecting each of us from excessive tattling was the military doctrine of “Mutual Assured Beatings!” Even the tattler could be swept up in our mother’s rage, suffering a beating, too! So, we used tattling sparingly.

This created a hypersensitivity to injustice, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Even today, I am acutely sensitive to injustice against myself and others.

“Fate, it seems, is not without its sense of irony,” said Morpheus in the movie, “The Matrix.”
.
Like Neo, the movie’s central character, he was powerless and a slave to a programmed existence. My “sense of irony” showed up in my career choices. I believe my sensitivity to injustice is why I have successfully settled claims on behalf of fire and water damage victims. I am empathetic to individuals and families being abused by Impersonal insurance companies that place shareholders above policyholders.

So, unknown to me, the terrible injustice I suffered as a child had fatefully trained me for my vocation. Perhaps it is more likely that the sense of irony is not fate, but rather, I became attracted to my career choices because of parental abuse and their unjust treatment.

Had there been an actual “Morpheus” in my life, it would have been so helpful to extricate me from the matrix of horrors. But, in fact, there was. This is why my hopeless story is so hope-filled. The name “Morpheus” actually means: ‘He who shapes.’ As you read on, you will learn through my story that there has indeed been, and continues to be, a “Morpheus” in my life.

Nevertheless, an undeniable force is shaping me through a maze of pain and struggle of good and bad days to a present joy-filled life, which now I would never trade or abandon. It would be like saying to a diamond, “Turn back into coal,” or to a pearl, “Turn back into a grain of sand.” I’m still in the “rough,” so to speak, and in between two extremes: the lightness of joy and contentment and the weightiness of pain and agony.

This precise pressure point masterfully creates diamonds of joy and the pearls of contentment within my life. Pain is never the product of this process, but joy and happiness are. Pain and agony are elements necessary to produce “suffering,” which produces eternal qualities and degrees of character that can not be developed in any other way.

So, in a nutshell, “Don’t waste your suffering!” It is the process of suffering that can lead to a fulfilling life! And so it is, I believe, for you, too. Your story is not an endless season of reruns but of purposeful and significant meaning.

“Rest, the answers are coming…” Said Morpheus to a perplexed and doubting Thomas Anderson at the beginning of his transformation into “Neo.”

By the way, you are transforming, and what that is will be revealed in time. The process you are in may be painful and even hopeless, but everything good and true, of worth and value, comes with pain and suffering. It is all a part of living and transforming. Until then, my dear friend, “Rest, the answers are coming…”

Be brave enough to journey into your past. Not alone like you have so many times before; no, this time, journey back with God. Invite Him into your past as your guide, comforter, and healer. Ask Him for wisdom and understanding. Then, prepare yourself to forgive those who’ve wounded and harmed you. Forgiveness is pivotal. Without it, you’ll remain imprisoned and tormented.

This was the journey that I took and am still on. This is how I learned the importance of forgiveness and the value of tears. Tears are the beginning of transforming from The Unseen One to God’s Beloved One.

God bless you on your journey!

It’s All Just Cornflakes – By Thomas J. Koester

Toni and I often talk about life changes, boundaries, and priorities. But family always tops our list.

Watching our children grow up, getting married, and seeing them succeed in their careers is what brings us joy. But what’s much more important is their relationships with each other and their commitment to our family and to the families they’re building.

The older I get, inching closer to the end of life, the irony is that it forces you to live a more meaningful life now, or at least it should. To wait until retirement to prioritize family is a sad mistake that I think too many make.

We do need to die, in some respects, to those things which promote death and live more towards those things which promote life. It’s like choosing between bacon, which I love, but it fosters death, and beansprouts, which I hate but promote life. However, living life on hospital food is certainly no fun either. So, we strive for a balance. And, this is what my brush with death has taught me.

The movie “Click,” with Adam Sandler, has some great truths running through it, along with its great humor and satire.

Morty (The Angel of Death), played by Christopher Walken, tells Michael Newman, played by Adam Sandler, who’s fast-forwarding his way through life with an enchanted TV clicker:

Morty remarks:

“He’s always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it’s just cornflakes.”

Towards the end of the movie (WARNING SPOILER ALERT), Michael finally gets it and cries out, in his throes of death:

Michael Newman: [dying] “Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST.”

Isn’t it so true? Family should come first, and I can promise, in the very moment when life is quickly or slowly draining from your body, it’s family that first comes to your mind…

… I want to see our two grandchildren, with Josh and Jenny, grow up.

Oh my goodness, it’s Tessa’s 24th birthday, and I will miss it!

Tears began rolling down my face as I saw those moments of life fast-forwarding before me. That was my wake-up call at 2:30 in the morning, Friday, October 11, 2013, as I sat in triage at the Sonora Adventist Hospital all alone, and when the reality of “heart attack” was suggested by the ER physician.

I wanted to exchange “I love you” with my wife and children again! I wanted to see who’d become my son, Jordan’s wife, and welcome her into our family.

I confess that not one of my projects, clients, or deadlines entered my mind while facing the prospect of a heart attack. Not one more contract signing or one more insurance settlement, which I have to face, is most likely what put me in the hospital in the first place.

As it turned out, it wasn’t a heart attack, but me, attacking my heart because of too many “yeses” and not enough “nos.” My physician told me that too much stress could cause cardiac arrest.

I need to say a serious “YES” to life and a meaningful “NO” to death. It’s the wrong choices in those subtle moments that can soon pile up into a health crisis. It is all those times when the tyranny of less critical things overrules the more essential things of life.

“Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no; anything more than that is from the Evil One.” Matthew 5:37 – Jesus of Nazareth

I don’t think striving to love your family correctly, keeping your promises, being home on time for dinner, or kissing your wife and kids goodbye in the morning has put anybody into the hospital.

Proverbs 4:23 says it best: “Guard your heart more than anything else because the source of life flows from it.”

It’s the redeemed heart where God lives that is our source of life. This, too, is where our families live and dwell. This is also where the love of our life resides. Work should never enter our hearts the way God and our loved ones do, for it will always push God, family, and our loved ones out! Guard your heart more than anything else! Not your reputation, ego, pride, or being right—but your HEART!

Our misplaced priorities will always attack what truly matters to our hearts and, if ignored, may eventually cause you to attack your heart, like I did.

So, my new motto for life:

“Family, family… … FAMILY COMES FIRST!”

In this, we find all the treasures of life, and it’s those relationships and memories that are worth living and fighting for.

After all, everything else, “at the end of the day, is just cornflakes!”

Are You Bitter or Better? — By Thomas J. Koester

“Be careful that no one fails to get God’s grace. Be careful that no one loses their faith and becomes like a bitter weed growing among you. Someone like that can ruin your whole group.” —Hebrews 12:15 (ERV)

A simple yet profound question from a friend has stayed with me:

“Tom, are you bitter or better?”

Life’s trials will come, but our choice determines our sense of peace. Bitterness isolates; betterness unites. By embracing God’s redemptive grace and forgiving others, we unlock a life of freedom, love, and meaningful relationships.

We are all confronted with hurt and pain from others. The choice to become bitter or better is available to all of us. The choice always comes down to two letters, the letter i or the e, b(i)tter or b(e)tter.

Bitterness is a collection of wrongs done by others, causing emotional constipation, psychological disfigurement, and spiritual disconnection from God and others.

The Holy Spirit wants to move us away from bitterness and leads us towards betterment. That is what God’s grace means here—the empowerment to avoid bitterness.

Matter of fact, the verse from Hebrews warns us to be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace and that no one loses their faith. In other words, we need to watch each others back, rather than plunging knives into them.

Bitterness is the absence of God’s grace, as it displaces his presence, his wisdom, and conviction of the Holy Spirit. A bitter person is always looking to recruit people into their cesspool of bitter complaints. If you join them you’ll get drawn into their emotional quicksand with no one to rescue you!

We become bitter only when we reject God’s grace whispered to us by the Holy Spirit, and when we follow and listen to bitter people. Bitterness is a contagion; it is contracted through casual gossip and always corrupts the mind before it rots the soul. Bitterness has destroyed marriages, families, businesses, and especially churches.

Stay with God’s Word and his distinct and clear voice. Obey the Holy Spirit and become better. If not, you’ll destroy your faith, and walk away from God and the people who truly love you!

Even if you are bitter, you can become better. According to Hebrews 12:15, the antidote against bitterness is ensuring that not one person is missing out from God’s grace. Doing that leaves little time and opportunity for bitterness to take root.

When you stab yourself and others with bitterness, you also forfeit God’s grace that could be yours.

People will love a better you, but bitterness will drive even your closest friends away. Bitterness is a pill, whereby its side effect causes loneliness and detachment. Not only between those who love you, but even within yourself. Your bitterness makes you dangerous—a danger to yourself and others.

Bitterness grows within your heart and soul, like a destructive and evasive tree root. It enters into areas it doesn’t belong, causing emotional disfigurment, and psychological damage. But its damage is reversible. There is hope and healing!

Do you want to live a better life?

Then forgive the offense of others, and you’ll live a bitter free life.

I know—I know, you’ve been terribly hurt or offended. But your bitterness puts you in competition with God. You’re actually saying, “I know better than God,” and therefore you feel justified to condemn. That’s pretty tragic, don’t you think?

But the longer you hold onto bitterness, the more impossible it is for you to forgive. The longer you wait to forgive those who’ve hurt you the further away God’s grace becomes.

I don’t want you to miss out on God’s grace, I want you free and full of life, just like you used to be. I want you to find your faith again in God and to enjoy his presence in your soul.

I want you to love and to be loved again. I want you to stop the cruelty to your heart and soul!

Don’t you see?

Bitterness is not the cure—it’s a poison! The real cure may seem impossible, but it’s the only cure that will set you free and put you on the road to recovery.

The only cure to bitterness is forgiveness. Forgiveness is even more powerful if you were to lead in it. I promise that if you do, you’ll be right as rain and feeling better and not bitter.

Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite! – By Thomas J. Koester

It’s those forgotten little memories that can change everything!

Early in 1998, my brother called and told me that my dad was dying of cancer and that dad was asking for me.

When I heard this, I was very upset. Not that my father was dying, mind you, but that he’d asked for me. I needed him all my life, and now, he’s asking for me?

“Tell Dad I’m not coming!” I replied.

I have four brothers and a sister, and they all called me, urging me to visit Dad. A week or so went by, and I finally caved into the pressure.

I first visited my dad in the Contra Costa County Hospital, as the VA in Martinez, California, was short on beds. There, he lay in a bed surrounded by adjustable rails. My younger brother, John, and my mother were present.

My mom pulled me aside to tell me the seriousness of Dad’s esophageal cancer. She said, “It doesn’t look good, I’ve researched the prognosis, and he doesn’t have much time left.” By the time I had visited my father, he’d already been battered by chemotherapy and every other treatment.

The cancer had permanently closed up his esophagus, and he could no longer swallow but was fed through a feeding tube, which was surgically inserted through the side of his abdomen and directly into his stomach. My father was so frightened; I had never seen him so fragile and helpless.

Since things did not look good for my dad, I called one of my pastors from our church in Danville, California, called East Bay Fellowship, which I was attending with my wife and kids. I asked if Pastor Allan Shrewsbury could come by and pray over my father in the hope that it would give him some comfort.

Pastor Allan quickly arrived, praying with my dad and confirming my father’s faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior.

It was getting late, and we began to ready ourselves to leave when I noticed tears filling my father’s eyes, along with the room filling with a sense of heaviness. It seemed as though this might be our last goodbye. I think the feeling of; “he may not make it through the night” hit all of us at the same time.

Compassion began to rise within my heart. I leaned over his bedrail and gently kissed my father’s unshaven face. His prickly whiskers caused my lips to tingle. My brother John leaned in and kissed our dad, as did my mom, and then we all tried to convince and reassure him that he would be fine as we slowly left the room.

As John and I walked out together towards the parking lot, my lips still tingling, I said:

“John, there is something strangely familiar about kissing dad.”
I continued:

“My lips—they’re still tingling!”

John responded:

“What’s up with you, Tom? Don’t you remember when we were little kids, we’d line up in front of dad’s favorite chair and kiss him goodnight on his cheek, and he’d say with a smile,

’… Don’t let the bedbugs bite!’”

All of a sudden, good memories came flooding into my mind. That gentle kiss on my father’s unshaven face was a key to my dungeon of despair and loneliness. All my years of anger, bitterness, and hatred; all my doubts and unforgiveness, all swallowed up from the tingly whiskers of my father’s unshaven face!

After that moment, I couldn’t wait to see my father. I saw him over the next several months as often as I could.

Several weeks before my dad passed away, a nurse came into his hospital room, asking:

“Who is your executor and healthcare director?”

My father lifted his feeble arm and pointed in my direction. I turned to see if one of my two older brothers was behind me, but there was no one.

For some, this would have been an unwelcome appointment, a burden, but for me, it meant I had my father’s complete and utter trust and respect. The significance of my dad’s appointment was a paradigm shift for me, possibly one of my most life-affirming events.

Later, I learned that my father had consulted with my mother about whom he should appoint as Trustee of his estate and healthcare. My mother agreed with my dad on his final choice. My sister, Laurie, was also named co-trustee. Simply amazing!

A few weeks later, my dad’s condition was worsening. His organs were beginning to show signs of shutting down. At this point, my siblings and I would trade off, spending the night with Dad alone.

Finally, it was my turn. It was October 7, 1998. I arrived shortly after the dinner hour. A nurse brought in a cot with a blanket and a pillow for me to sleep on. My dad and I talked for quite a while, mostly about politics, which was my dad’s favorite topic. Soon, it was lights out, which never happens in a hospital.

As I lay there, realizing the significance of this moment with my dad, I knew if I didn’t say what was indeed on my heart now, that this moment would be lost forever. You see, my father had never told me that he loved me. I was thirty-nine years old, and my dad was about to turn sixty-nine the next day. I wanted so much to hear those words from him; no, I needed to hear those words from him—something in me was guiding me and granting me the courage to say what I needed to say:

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?” he replied

Dad … I love you!” I said cautiously.

Only mere seconds passed by, but it felt like years.

“… I love you too, son,” Dad replied.

I exchanged “I love you” with my dad for what seemed like all night long! I said those precious and life-giving words, which he echoed back:

“I love you too, son.”

All my hate and anger against my dad had washed away, and now for good! I heard the three most important words every son or daughter needs to hear:

“I love you, son!”

“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the LORD arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” — Malachi 4: 5-6

The days of the “curse” were finally over for me. For a greater spirit than Elijah had entered that hospital room that night. The Spirit of the Living God had softened the hearts of father and son, and the mess I had made of my life suddenly became beautiful!

“His wrath, you see, is
fleeting, but His grace
lasts a lifetime. The
deepest pains may linger
through the night, but joy
greets the soul with the
smile of morning.” — Psalms 30:5

My dad, while broken with cancer, poured into me so much life and hope, and, in such a short time! The man whom I had despised all of my life was my dad, with whom I just fell in love but who is now leaving.

The morning came, with it, a smile and a “Happy Birthday, Dad!”

It was October 8, 1998, and my father wanted to get cleaned up for his Birthday. He said:

“Tom, get my shaving bag, it’s over there, in that cabinet.”

“Here it is, Dad,” I replied.

“Okay, get my Electric Shave lotion and my razor out,” my dad directed, and then he asked:

“Son, will you shave my face?”

This may sound silly, but this was the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with my father. The whiskers that tingled my lips and softened the hardness of my heart, the mouth that finally spoke: “I love you too, son,” was the face I was about to care for and shave.

“The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”

… and I shaved my father’s face.

That is why I would not change a single moment of my life. The pain is swallowed up in the sweetness of heartfelt forgiveness and the “I love yous.” For what had become broken has now been given, and the mess of my life has now become beautiful!

Four days later, on October 12, 1998, my father passed away. At his right-hand side, I stood a restored and beloved son, loved and approved. As life was quickly draining from my dad, he looked up towards the ceiling, letting out his final breath; he smiled, his heartbeat stopped, and we wept loudly in the grief of our great loss! I then reached over his body and closed my father’s eyes.

He died my hero triumphantly and bravely; he faced death and passed from this life into the heart of God.

“Death swallowed by triumphant
Life! Who got the last word? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of
you now?” – I Corinthians 15:55

While this was both a painful and magical time for me, these events with my father were a new beginning and a paradigm shift for my present and future.

I can honestly say that God used the final moments of my father’s life to make me into a better man, a restored son, and a better father.

Letting my anger for my father go allowed love to come bursting in. Becoming my father’s beloved son made it possible for me to believe I could be God’s beloved son, too.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’ll see you in heaven. I love you, dad!

Healing For The Splintered Mind –By Thomas J. Koester

We can’t live a happy life with an unforgiving soul and a stubborn heart.

When we refuse to forgive ourselves and others, we split our identity. One part loaths the offender, and the part hates self. It is the inner voice of self hatred and toxic unforgivness, which curses the outer self of life and the inner self of peace.

I know you know what I’m saying. I’m not trying to gulit you, but to help you!

I don’t want you to end up with two personalities in one body. That’s a horrible way to live!

One world is real, full of life, hope, and dreams. The other is false — filled with lies, masks, and illusions. Sure, you can survive in your false world, but you were made for so much more than surviving…

… and I think you know that!

You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong. You don’t know what it is—you feel trapped inside—imprisoned by offense. Maybe you feel like a hostage, only it’s you that holds the key to your own prison cell.

In the movie The Matrix, Neo asks Morpheus a question:

“If you’re killed in the matrix, you die here?”

Morpheus:

“The body can not live without the mind.”

The book of James puts it this way:

“The splinter of a divided mind shatters your compass and leaves you dizzy and confused.” —James 1:8

Do not yield to thoughts of condemnation for others and hatred of self, for the end of such thoughts are self-destruction and death. You need to yield to, and desire wisdom from God, who understands both the body and the mind. But if you reject his wisdom and truth, your inner thoughts, no matter how untrue and false, will become reality. For either the wisdom from God and the belief of self-hatred are both initiated by faith. You see, faith activates the power of both truth and lies.

If you believe in the truth and wisdom from God, you will live and thrive. Conversely, if you believe in self-hatred and unforgivness, you will become lifeless and die. For the body obeys the mind, and a double minded person is unstable, confused, and lost.

I don’t want you lost—I want you found and freed!

The standard of God’s Word, Wisdom, and Truth never changes, so anchor all your thoughts, fears, and doubts on him, and you will find your way again.

This very moment, you are standing at the crossroads—as Jeremiah puts it:

Yet the Lord pleads with you still: Ask where the good road is, the godly paths you used to walk in, in the days of long ago. Travel there, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, “No, that is not the road I want!” —Jeremiah 6:16 (TLB)

Don’t yell an angry, “NO!” Cry a humble “yes,” and find rest again.

If you will not turn to God, The Holy One of Truth and Wisdom, not even your loved ones can help you. Until you’re willing to expose your false self and cease your fake salvation, you can’t be helped. Until you ask to be rescued, you’ll continue to drift further and further away.

Unrelenting unforgivness hurts no one but yourself. The one who offended you is unharmed by your hoarding of anger and offense. They’re free, but you’re not!

I plead with you, turn to God and be honest. Be brave. Be loving to yourself again and live! You may not realize it, but you’ve had the keys to your own prison all along.

“… You will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask him for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.” —Isaiah 30:19

Jesus Christ died that you may live and was raised to life that you may never die.

For there is no peace and no rest in wasting your life being unforgiving. There is life and peace in Jesus Christ.

Here, please read Psalms 23 — it’s a beautiful passageway to life!

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” —Psalm 23

Trust Him—He will give you rest for all your weariness and heal your splintered mind!

Maybe you’ll be restored enough to even feast in the presence of those who once hurt and offended you.

I’m here, if you need me.

The Power of The Father Connection – By Thomas J. Koester

Never underestimate the power, authority, and security of a father’s connection. There is nothing on earth that can take its place.

Since time began, power was, and is, the principal motivator of life. Whoever wields power has control, authority, and security. If you think about it, these three things are essential for just about any group of people. In fact, they are essential for a healthy family.

This is why family is so important. It is the very fabric that holds society together.

Whether you agree or not, God instituted family. He derived the construct from his trinitary-self of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Father, wife, and child are by design, God’s reflective image of himself into creation.

God first creates man, then woman, then from their union, offspring. God shares with man his power, giving him control, authority, and security. He places man in the center of paradise and says you tend it, cultivate it, rule over it, and honor its boundaries (security).

Fundamentally, our identity, personhood, and security come from our families and principally from our fathers. The most primal and significant connection we can have on earth begins with our fathers. It’s not an option—it’s foundational!

This is why fatherhood is under such terrible assault. It is the most strategic and essential part of God’s design and image. Destroy the image of fathers, and you destroy the image of Father-God. Turn the children from their fathers, and you’ll frustrate and hinder children from finding their Heavenly Father.

When fathers and children turn away from each other, the family crumbles. When this becomes the norm, marriages crumble, and children become aimless and disenfranchised from the safety of paternal authority, control, and security. They become targets of destructive philosophies, ideologies, and influences.

The following is an excellent portrayal of the destructive force against fathers and family:

In the 1991 Movie “Hook,” starring Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook, Robbin Williams as Peter Banning (Peter Pan), and Charlie Korsmo as Jack Banning, Peter’s son; an interesting scene takes place between Captain Hook and little Jack Banning:

Hook: Such a pretty, pretty…. … What is that I hear? A ticking. Smee, stop the ticking! Stop that! Stop that “tick-tick”!

Smee: There’s no ticking here. There’s nothing left to tick.

Hook: This is for the ticking that might have been. Get his father’s watch!

Smee: Right.

Hook: Go on. You know you want to. Give it a try. Go on.

Jack: This is for..never letting me blow bubbles in my chocolate milk!

[he smashes his dad’s watch]

Smee: Yes!

Hook: Ha ha! Good form! Bravo!

Smee: There you go! Isn’t that wonderful?

Jack: This is for never letting me jump on my own bed.

[Jack smashes the watch again]

Hook: Make time stand still, laddie.

Jack: For always making promises and breaking them! For never doing anything with me.

[ Once again, Jack smashes the watch]

Hook: For a father who’s never there, Jack. Jack, for a father who didn’t save you on the ship.

Jack: [Sadly] Who wouldn’t save us….

Hook: Who couldn’t save you, Jack.

Jack: He wouldn’t. He didn’t even try. He was there, we were there, and he wouldn’t try.

Hook: Jack, he will try. And the question will be: When the time comes, do you want to be saved? Now, don’t you answer now. No, no, no, no. Now it’s time to be whatever you want to be. Put behind you any thoughts of home…that place of broken promises.

Jack: That what?

Hook: Have I ever made a promise, Jack… … I have not kept? Have I, son?

Did you read how the evil Hook exploits Jack’s wounds? Then Hook belittles his father, even to the point of “when the time comes, Jack, do you want to be saved?”

Hook continues, stealing the boy’s identity:

“…Now it’s time to be whatever you want to be. Put behind you any thoughts of home… … that place of broken promises.”

Not only does Hook steal the boy’s identity, he sinisterly robs him of his sense of belonging and then mischaracterizes Jack’s home “as a place of broken promises.”

Hook tops it off by reidentifying Jack as “his son.” He strikes Jack’s wound at the center of his heart, reminding Jack that his dad is weak, a liar, and a man of broken promises.

“Hook: Have I ever made a promise, Jack… … I have not kept? – Have I, son?”

I truly believe that this clever and well-written movie accurately illustrates how evil destroys fathers, families, children, and homes.

In the last book of the Old Testament, the last chapter and the last two verses read:

“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the Lord arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” Malachi 4:5-6

The fulfillment of this Malachi prophecy occurs in the First Chapter of Luke 1:17. John The Baptist prepared the way for Jesus Christ, whose mission was to redeem the lost sons of Adam.

When fathers and children remain estranged and God’s salvation is averted, the land, culture, and society become cursed. It is undeniable that our land, America, has been cursed.

Fathers, do whatever it takes to connect with your kids. Kids, do whatever it takes to connect with your fathers.

Sometimes, taking up our father’s interest in sports, hobbies, etc., is the only way we can connect with our fathers. His pastime becomes ours, and maybe the only bridge on earth to reach him and spend time with him.

However, I’d rather see fathers turn their hearts towards their children, enter their world, and connect with their likes.

The hearts of the fathers must initiate a turning back to their children, or there’s little hope for society, and maybe your family, too. Their best hope of connecting to God is their connecting with dad!

Fathers, your legacy is at risk – worse, your children’s future and eternity are at stake.

Never underestimate the power, authority, and security of a father’s role and his connection. There is nothing on earth that can take its place!

Live A Life Worth Remembering – By Thomas J. Koester

“The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.” —Bruce Lee

This article is dedicated to my friend and colleague of 34 years, Jahn Miller. Jahn was a man who lived a life worth remembering. His entire career and life were about bringing fairness and justice to those in need. Jahn was a voice and advocate for those victimized by impersonal corporations, which care more for shareholders than their policyholders.

Over his vast 45-year career, Jahn singlehandedly moved hundreds of millions of dollars held tightly by cold-handed, impersonal corporations, delivering it to victims of fire, flood, and calamity. It was no easy task, but Jahn was no easy guy. He was tenacious—a bulldog to insurance carriers, but a “guidedog” to the disenfranchised. Hmm, I just realized Jahn Miller was “Robin Hood” of Berkeley!

Jahn wasn’t a tall man by stature, but he was a giant on behalf of those who trusted him! I will never forget Jahn Miller of Berkeley, California. My dear friend passed away on the 3rd of June, 2024. Jahn was born July 12, 1950. Jahn simply changed his address, where he can finally retire in peace. In heaven, there are no disputes and no impersonal, coldhearted corporations.

Jahn is survived by his beloved, Sandra Ezra, and his pride and joy, Victoria Miller (Vic Milla), his daughter.

Jahn N. Miller, a man who lived a life worth remembering.

Live Like Jahn!

Did you know that seven out of ten people can not remember the name of their great grandfather. This means that most fathers of today will be forgotten in less than three generations. It’s not that children can’t remember. It’s that most fathers are absent in their lives and therefore are absent in their children’s and in their grandchildren’s memories. The verbal tradition of familial heritage becomes silent when we live selfishly or abusively to our offspring.

This is more significant than simply remembering the name of our great grandfathers. Rather, it’s about whether our lives today and tomorrow were meaningful enough to be worth remembering or positive enough to be inspirational.

When I first learned of this statistic, I sat there shocked—in utter disbelief and horror. This would mean that my future offspring would be oblivious to my existence, and my life today, tomorrow, and forever would be as though I never existed!

The Scriptures says:

“God has set eternity in the hearts of men.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11.

This is why being forgotten is so frightening. Eternity is written into our hearts, and souls—to never have existed is contrary to our DNA and to our consciousness.

This set within me a passion to leave an indelible and positive mark on the hearts and minds of my children and grandchildren. This is why I write articles and stories. Not only do I want my children’s children and their children to remember me, but I want the life I live now to inspire them to do memorable acts of love and goodness for others.

The Apostle Paul wrote:

“… He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers.” – Romans 2:7

I want my children to do greater things than me, so that their children will also be inspired to do greater things than their parents, and so on. I want what God desires for me and my children—a life of eternity, glory, honor, and immortality.

I want my children to do greater things than me, so that their children will also be inspired to do greater things than their parents, and so on.

Job puts it this way:

“The righteous move onward and forward; those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.” – Job 17:9

Also, I write articles and blogs for others, leaving behind breadcrumbs, so that they, too, will find the Father-heart of God. Finding God’s heart and living to please him is how we can live a life worth remembering. A life lived well is one doing what exists in heaven, here, on earth. It’s knowing God’s will as it exists in heaven and cooperating with him to make it happen with your life here, now.

I want as many people possible to experience the joy and amazement of belonging to a loving God, through His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. You see, even God desired that His Son live a legacy life to be remembered and never forgotten—That all the works of Jesus would lead us to His Father—That all the Father’s spiritual offspring would find their way home, to Heaven.

Your greatest accomplishment is not only to father your children well while you’re living, but even more so after you’re gone. This is called a legacy—Living a life worth remembering!

Here’s the Church, And Here’s The Steeple, Open The Doors And Where’s All the People? – By Thomas J. Koester

The COVID-19 virus caused the emptying of 21st-century Christianity’s churches and cathedrals.

While the empty tomb of our Lord and Savior is, and forever, will be the main power source of Christianity, the Social Distancing edict might have inadvertently caused a miracle. Due to COVID-19, maybe empty church buildings will also become, in a small way, (a) power source for modern-day Christianity. Maybe our closed buildings will mean an opening to global evangelism.

The empty tomb meant that the old religious order of continual animal sacrifices was over. It means that the old order of the priesthood was over. It meant that the veil, which separated you and me from direct access to God, was torn down. And very importantly, it meant that where two or more are gathered, there in their midst is the very presences of God, and no longer confined to the temple made by man. It means that even when we are alone, and without each other, that God is with us and in our very own hearts.

God’s people no longer needed priests. God’s people no longer needed animal sacrifices to make atonement. God’s people no longer had to experience His favor and presence by proxy. And, God’s people no longer were confined to a temple made of bricks and mortar.

Because of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we are free of all the religious trappings and traditions of men and of the consequences of the law. We are free to be the Church wherever we gather, even as few as two people!

Let us capitalize on our present situation and be convinced, once and for all, that we, as God’s people, are the Church. We are the living church. We, you and I, are the bride of Christ. Our church buildings, plain or palatial, were never meant to be the representation of the world.

Although, sadly, Church buildings had become the identity of Christianity. It is my hope that God’s people will be recognized as the Church and regain her position as the living bride of Christ and the center of Christianity.

One Sunday, Toni and I visited a church in Oakdale, California. When we arrived, we walked in and learned that the Church was emptied except for a few people who were preparing a luncheon, later to be enjoyed by the returning congregation. Rather than their typical service, the Church was in the downtown square, assisting their local community. We were actually pleasantly surprised and not at all offended by the empty sanctuary.

Do not be overcome because we cannot presently occupy a building, but celebrate that with or without buildings that we are the Bride of Christ, and that we’re meant to deliver the Gospel of the Kingdom to every nation and to every people. In doing so, our proclamation will hasten the ending and will launch the new beginning that we’ve all been longing for.

For the past 1700 years, Christianity created and built ornate cathedrals with spires and steeples pointing to the heavens.

Let the truth be known:

“Church steeples can be traced back thousands of years to Egypt and pagan worship. Roman Emperor Constantine and his “Edict of Milan” in 313CE made the Empire officially neutral with regard to religion. Eventually, Pagan and Christian symbols were eventually merged at the Council of Nicea in 325CE, and new doctrines and dogmas were set up by the Holy Roman Catholic (meaning universal) Church, and strictly enforced, under penalty of death.”

Since then, this building emphasizes that along with Christianity, continually orbiting ornate and palatial constructs, we’ve ceased going into all the world with the Gospel and instead invited all the world into our buildings. Over time, the contrast between Christianity and “worldlism” diminished. Rather than the world becoming more influenced by Christianity, the world’s influence had crept into our churches and has negated our need for faith and the Great Commission.

Let’s pray that this COVID-19 virus heals Christianity from its obsession with buildings and steeples and instead goes out, even as few as two-by-two, to all the peoples.

God’s blessings and power to the true Living Church and Bride of Christ – Amen