“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” –Peggy O’Mara
A father’s likes, for example, sports, politics, music, or cars, etc., becomes the language in which a father speaks to his children and which they speak to themselves.
The fact that many fathers do not listen with their hearts is why so many sons and daughters remain disconnected from their dads. His children may not like sports, politics, or music, etc., and therefore have nothing to say. I meet so many people obsessed with sports, politics, drugs, drinking, etc., because this is the only way that they can relate to or speak with their fathers.
Many people have no idea as to why they like or do these things, and rarely make the connection that they do these things because this was their father’s language – this is how they’ve learned to gain their father’s approval, acceptance, and his attention.
My father’s language was politics and technology. I found myself learning all I could about current political events and the latest technological gadget, so I would have something to say to my dad. I wanted my father’s approval — his acceptance and respect, so I learned his language. The sad part is that my relationship with my father was always in the shallows and never at the level and depth of heart and soul. Sadly, this became my language also between my own sons and daughter.
One day, I inspected a water-damaged home in Antioch, California, with the homeowner and his family present. All the decorations in the kitchen, family room, and master bedroom were covered with San Francisco 49er’s paraphernalia – I mean, it was everywhere! After I was completed with my task, the husband asked me:
“So, do you watch sports? … what do you think of those 49ers?”
I replied:
I don’t watch or like sports all that much.
His facial expression intimated shock and amazement!
I further replied:
… You like sports because this was the only way you could speak with your father and gain his attention and approval.
I glanced at his wife, and her face suddenly lit up with shock!
She quickly replied:
“MY GOSH, THAT’S SO TRUE!”
The husband just stood there, with his mouth opened, with the expression as though his best friend had just died!
You begin to learn how powerful for good, or evil, our father’s likes, especially when they become the mechanism of speech or language with their children. Right? Just as Peggy O’Mara wrote,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
The Bible points this out in the last book of the Old Testament, and in the very last two verses:
“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. And he shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” –Malachi 4: 5-6.
Do you see?
If the fathers do not turn their hearts to their children, the earth will be cursed. What curses the world is silent fathers and fathers that do not speak from their hearts. This, in turn, causes children not to speak from their hearts also. Instead, their relationship with their dads is in the shallows. Very little, to no life pass from the father to their children. Sadly, this lack of transaction creates an emotional and relational deficit from generation to generation.
Proverbs 4: 23 puts it this way:
“Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.”
If you’re a father, change the language from sports, politics, or anything that keeps your relationship with your kids in shallow places and listen and speak from your heart. From your heart flows the springs of life. Your kids can’t live successful, healthy, and full lives without the spring of life from your heart. Your words and language matter. It’s a matter of life and death!
We dads have the power of life and death in our speech with our kids, young or old. Our words have the power to build or destroy the future of our children. It is never too late to speak from our hearts.
Help build your children’s future and speak the language of love.
“Fathers, don’t irritate your children and make them resentful; instead, raise them with the Lord’s kind of discipline and guidance.” – Ephesians 6:4
When strangers or acquaintances abuse us, it hurts, but not as much as when it’s a sibling, mom, or dad. You see, all of our identity and self-worth are derived from family but especially from our parents. When their abuse is emotional, spiritual, verbal, physical, etc., it attacks the core of our identity.
Toni and I are battling 35 years of abuse with her family, and especially with her parents.
Toni’s father was a pastor for most of Toni’s life. What she encountered as abuse was spiritual and religious in nature, steeped in legalism and perfectionism. Her mother told Toni and her siblings to deny their feelings. To go against instinct – to submit beyond question. To fear fear. Accept failure but to keep quiet. To compromise inner truth for outer fakeness.
My story was filled, as you may know, with physical and violent abuse. I dare say, I prefer the abuse that I endured more than what my dear Toni, has endured, and still does to this day!
I’ve asked a question several times over the years when speaking at men’s retreats and gatherings.
“Which would you rather have, a broken leg or a broken heart?”
Everyone in the room, shouted:
“A broken leg!”
This is because most of us, sadly, are well acquainted with the deep pain of a broken heart and the countless years of suffering.
My wife’s heart, while broken during her adolescent life, is undergoing healing over her adult years as she walks with God. Her healing could be accelerated if her parents would join her in her healing journey.
Yet, her parents want her and me, too, to “see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil.” This silence and blindness to evil has allowed the unmitigated reign of evil over many in her family. It’s painful to watch, but prayer gives us our only hope.
However, religious abuse is hard to see, because it looks socially acceptable—it looks so spiritual! Sadly, the abuse that Toni is suffering has wreaked havoc on her innocence. Her frailty. Her femininity. On her mind. On her heart and soul. This caused her to feel spiritually dirty most of her life and hyper-subjective.
Because her abuse was from religious parents, it locked her into a prison of impossible expectations. A perfectionism that not even God would impose. Right? God’s perfection is imputed or placed upon us by the works of Jesus. Toni was expected to be perfect by religious means and not by divine decree. Sadly, this is the story of many children who are fathered by ministers.
So, how do we forgive mom or dad, or both?
“Honor your father and mother so that you may live long in the land and that it may go well with you.” – Deuteronomy 5:16
Remember, this is God’s command with no prerequisites. It’s his 5th commandment—smack-dab in the middle!
One reason God gives us this command is because parents, by design, are to be “lesser gods” to their offspring. The fifth commandment can also be applied to God.
Honor [God] so that you may live long in the land and that all my go well with you.
So, when we dishonor our parents, we also dishonor God, and we put great risks to our well-being and life expectancy.
But what about abusive parents? Are we to honor our abusers?
Here’s the question: Did God give us our parents, or did God give us to our parents?
It’s important to know, for several reasons.
The Allmighty of Scriptures is the Sovereign God. He’s the divine architect and the builder. He is motivated by nothing else than his will and purpose. Also, scripture is quite clear that God is very relational, right down to the individual — the individual parent and child. It boggles the mind, or at least mine, that God thought of you, me, and our parents before space and time!
“Before the creation of the world, he chose us through Christ to be holy and perfect in his presence.” – Ephesians 1:4
“The Lord formed me from the beginning before he created anything else. I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began. – Proverbs 8:22-23
You see, we simply cannot deny that God put us into the care, good or bad, of our parents. We also can’t deny that God, intimately knowing you before earth began, appointed you to your parents. God is involved in both choices of parents to children and children to parents. There is nothing random about it! We had no say in the transaction.
Rather, God, in his wisdom, has appointed us to our parents, knowing fully that he will establish the commandment to honor them without hesitation and reservation. And that this commandment comes with a two-fold promise — all will go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.
But still, the question of forgiveness for our mom’s and dad’s abuse is unanswered for millions of hurting children of all ages, churched or unchurched.
I do want to address child abuse for those children who are still adolescent. It is not dishonoring to mom or dad if you seek help. This is for those children who are being physically or sexually abused by one or both parents. Speak to a pastor, teacher, school counselor, or coach. These people are required by law to notify Child Protective Services. Your safety is of utmost importance!
But for adult children, whereby we have moved out from mom’s and dad’s house, or perhaps they’re deceased. It’s not that forgiveness is optional. Rather, it is a necessity! Forgiving them is also about honoring them.
Many years ago, while living in Antioch, California, I invited my mother over to have a conversation. It was my plan to recall all the abuse that I had suffered by her hand.
It was just me and mom, sitting together in my home office when I began to unload on her. I was not angry or hard on my mom. I spoke from my heart and carefully described my hurts and scars.
Beginning at age 18 months old, I recalled quite accurately the violent physical abuse my little body suffered in the fit of her rage. I continued each remembrance, each story, as though it had just occurred; from 18 months through my 18th year! At the end of each story, with tears of remembrance traversing my bearded face, I said:
“Mom, I forgive you.”
… My mother just sat there, emotionless, and then replied:
“I don’t remember any of that.”
While her response was painful, I was not completely dispirited. You see, because my forgiveness wasn’t just for her, it was for me, too. While my exchange with mom was difficult, it came from my heart, not to condemn her, but to restore her—to restore us. To move the offense out of the way between mother and son. So that I could love her again. I didn’t need her permission to forgive her, as it was me letting go of all her hurtful acts.
Another twelve years would pass before my mother confessed and agreed to her abusive behavior. Her awakening happened just a few short days before she passed on Mother’s Day, May 11, 2008. It was just my mom and me again, but this time we met in her home. Unquestionably, God was there with mother and son. Both our hearts were tenderized by her battle with pancreatic cancer and softened by God’s mercy and grace. I again forgave my mother, and she humbly accepted my forgiveness as I accepted hers.
How do you know you have forgiven? When you can love them again.
It’s humanly impossible for us to forgive those who have treacherously abused or wronged us. Forgiveness is only possible through God’s grace and empowerment from Jesus Christ. And through Him, we can love again those who have wounded us with broken bones and shattered hearts. It’s called Agape Love — the love of God working in and through us.
My mother didn’t deserve my forgiveness, God required it of me. He knew it would bless me with a good and long life on earth. It was my opportunity to honor my mother. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, and God’s love are what triumphed here. It is what empowered me to do the impossible, which was to forgive my abuser—my own mother.
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” – Isaiah 49:15
Just a few days before my mom’s death, God rembeberd me, and my mom, too. He rescued us both!
Here’s another helpful verse of Scripture written in the last Old Testament book and in the last two verses of the last chapter of Malachi:
“See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.” – Malachi 4:5-6
God softened my heart, and in turn, he softened my mother’s heart. Because of heartfelt forgiveness, my land is no longer cursed. My life is free from bitterness, resentment, and hate. I can honestly say that I miss my mom. She would be 92 years this past February, 25, 2025. Without a doubt, she’s basking in the presence of God, fully forgiven!
What about you? I encourage you, too, to forgive. Even if your parents and abusers are dead. Even more so, forgive them. You see, if they have died, then they’ve met the judge, and justice was measured upon them. All that is left for you is to forgive them and let them go so that you, too, can live well in the land.
Unforgiveness harms no one but yourself. It rots away your present life and eats away at your future. That’s the definition of a cursed life. Kick pride out of your life. It’s killing you! Humble yourself, and God himself will lift you up!
Now you know what to do when parents abuse.
Have courage, my dear friend, trust in God’s Word, and hold tightly to His promises. Though mom or dad may have forgotten you, God never forgets!
Forgiveness is your pathway to living a long and healthy life in the land!
Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
The reason you feel like a victim is because you do not feel like a son or daughter. Having an “orphan mentality” makes you vulnerable and an easy target of doom and gloom.
The longer you see yourself as an orphan, you become a prime target by the Father of Lies and his abusive cohorts. Trust me, the Father of Lies, well he’s nothing but a deadbeat dad. Nothing good can come from him. He can’t offer you a future, but only a darkened past.
The Enemy’s plan? Cause you pain to rob you of your future. God’s plan? Give you a future through your pain and rob the Enemy.
Stop interpreting your hardship as a series of mishaps. If you begin to embrace all hardship as an established fact of your son-ship, suddenly you’ll gain strength you’ve never thought possible. Our God is no dead-beat dad; those whom he loves, he inflicts hardship, and his hardship for your life comes from a good place—his heart.
“My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.” –Proverbs 3:11-13
“Endure [all] suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?” [Emphasis mine] –Hebrews 12:7
“God corrects all his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him.” –Hebrews 12:8
GOD is fathering you into the best son, or daughter you can be, because that’s what a good father does.
Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
Maybe you’re simply misunderstanding your difficulties. If you can accept difficulties as a test from God rather than bad luck, you’ll want to pass the test instead of complaining about it.
Maybe you’re not an orphan after all, maybe God is fathering you because he’s in love with you, just like a real daddy.
So, snap out of it!
You’re not an orphan but a son or daughter of The Most High God!
The heroes of our faith and Saints of Old are watching!
“I went round the city and I looked at everything. I said to the leaders, the officers and the people, ‘Do not be afraid of our enemies. Remember that our Lord God is great and powerful. Fight on behalf of your brothers, your sons, your daughters and your wives. Fight to keep your homes safe.’” —Nehemiah 4:14
I know that you have been absorbing a great deal of information and news, good or bad. I know, like Nehemiah, you too have looked at the condition of our cities, towns, neighborhoods, and schools. Do not be dismayed to the point of indifference. You are desperately needed!
Do not allow what you are seeing and hearing to take you off your mission as husbands, fathers, and godly men. Do not allow yourselves to drift away from the Lord. To the contrary; fight to recapture your heart. Then fight to win again the heart of your wife. Fight for the hearts of your children. Fight for your country.
If things are broken or at odds between you and your wife, fix it now, but not with your “toolbox,” but by listening to her heart. Have compassion for her, and make her safe in your presence and absence. Please, men, let your wives into your heart and speak to them with kindness and wisdom. She’s your partner, and I can promise you this that there’s no one else better suited to be in your foxhole and camp than your wives.
Be gentle and patient with your children. Your actions, attitudes, and words should show them how much you love them and that they, along with your wives, are more important than your man-toys, sports, politics, or even your ministries.
You set the climate of fear or peace in your homes. Choose peace and fight to hold onto a climate of peace in your house. After all, “a man’s home is his castle,” so protect and defend it, but more so, your family which lives in it.
“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.” —Saint Francis de Sales
Show your wife and children through your right actions that your trust is in the Lord. This is your job as a man of faith. Your trust in God becomes their trust in God. Your good father-heart points them directly to the Father-Heart of God, which, by the way, is where they find their identities.
Things are going to be rough these next several months. Our nation and it’s people will be tested beyond belief. But hold onto your belief in God, in your marriage, and in your children. They, not your careers, video games, sports, and politics, are your mission. The country will right itself, or perhaps not. This, however, doesn’t change the man you are, nor your mission.
Cling to God and to his Word. Love your wives unconditionally and sacrificialy. Be gentle with your children, and show them great patience. Tell them with words and action that you love them.
Be stouthearted. Be brave. Be courageous. Be men of God. Brothers in Chist. Hold to Truth. Armor up with God’s promises. Hold to the peace that comes from trusting God.
Remember that you are not alone. The God of the Angel Armies lives within you. Your brothers are not far off—we’re in this together!
Lead your families well. It’s up to you, and no other. The term “husband,” means “band around the house.” Be that physical and spiritual band. You can do it because you are on the Lord’s side—you are men!
Again, get right with your wives and children. No excuses. No worries. Be courageous, be men, and make God and heaven’s armies proud!
Demons are shuddering. Angels are gathering. The heroes of our faith and Saints of Old are watching. They are with the Heavenly Hosts, cheering you on to victory!
“Do I love you because you’re beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?” ~ Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
Every man has a responsibility and privilege to “unearth” and discover the beauty within his wife, girlfriend, or daughter. He can either bring it to the surface, cherish, and celebrate it, or he can tragically ignore it, leaving it buried.
Men, we will be held to account and will not escape God’s notice for every wrinkle and stain we inflict on the hearts of our wives and daughters. Their hearts surpasses our careers, our man-toys, and sport statistics.
I was speaking with my son, Jordan, one day about women and dating. We talked about how some women are too willing to give themselves to men, and too many men are predatory. I’ll never forget my son’s answer to a question I had asked him:
What do you do, son, when you find yourself in a situation where a woman throws herself at you?
“Dad, he replied, I will not take what doesn’t belong to me.”
I sat there, momentarily shocked and pleasantly surprised by his answer. His response was far beyond how most men, young or old, would’ve answered that question.
My son understands that a real man gives, and does not take from a woman, no matter how beautiful or how needy she may be.
Nature teaches us that a man gives from his masculine strength, and a woman is a “receiver” from within her feminine soul—from her feminine “frailty.” This, in no wise, suggests that the feminine soul is weak. Her feminine frailty is in her curvaceous form; it’s in the delicacy of her frame and the softness of her skin. A real woman is ferociously feminine and powerful in her own ways.
But, her feminine frailty goes deeper than her sexuality. Her true frailty lies deep within her heart and soul, where her sensitive nature lives—where her desire for a deep, meaningful relationship resides—where her dreams live.
When a man takes from a woman, he robs her of all her treasures. He takes and takes, eventually leaving her empty. Leaving her feeling used. Feeling dirty. She’ll feel like an overdrawn bank account, with a guy cashing checks that don’t belong to him.
Our culture is replete with drained and hollowed out women and girls. It’s heartbreaking to see so many of them broken to the point of lifelessness and left with a warped sense of femininity.
Men, we are to be blamed because we have abandoned our masculinity. We succumbed to wokeism and the anti-male culture without a fight! Passivity is unbecoming to the masculine soul.
A man is made to protect and give from his masculine strength. While he too desires to be loved, his heart is after a woman’s respect. Being loved by a woman may be easy for many men, but to be liked — to be admired by her comes with certain sacrifice and humility.
A woman, though powerful in her own way, is made to receive, to be loved; she’s to be fought for, cherished, and wanted. She doesn’t want to be the center of a man’s world — she wants to share the world with her man. She doesn’t want to be the adventure — she desires to be adventurous with him.
When you give to a woman—when you honestly love a her, you make her beautiful on the inside and radiant on the outside.
Tell your wife, your girlfriend, or your daughter that you love them in a thousand different ways and, if necessary, use words.
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
My son Jordan and I listened to several of John Eldredge’s podcasts on the way down to Bakersfield a few years ago. We talked about how good It would be if we could get a weekend retreat scheduled to help men and boys with their brokenness and father hunger.
One thing that Jordan and I have learned in hosting many retreats in the past, is that if a man is to be healed from the father wound, or to draw closer to the heart of God, going to the mountains and spending a little time away from the familiar and from responsibilities provides an excellent environment to find clarity and healing.
There is a clear biblical mandate in scriptures for fathers and sons to turn their hearts towards each other, as written in Malachi 4:5-6 and in Luke 1:17.
Did you know that God closes the Old Testament with Fathers turning their hearts towards their sons, Malachi 4:5-6, and then opens the New Testament with the same message in Luke 1:17? As a matter of fact, a broken and wounded relationship between fathers and sons leads to a cursed life. In turn, a cursed life causes the wounded sons of Adam to detest and avoid the Father Heart of God. And, like Adam, we are driven away from God and cover our nakedness (shame) with a false life and endless pursuits of Eve (the woman).
Eve becomes a surrogate; a pseudo-god in place of the Father Heart of God. Her comfort replaces the comfort from Father God, and her beauty replaces the glory of God. So, man sees his reflection in the woman rather than in God. He grades himself and his masculinity in the responses and opinions he receives from women.
I find it interesting that God created Adam apart from Eve. God walked with Adam for some time before he created and presented the woman to him. If a man is to walk with God; if he is to be fathered by God, he must let go of Eve. He must cease his pursuit for her comfort; for her beauty, and her maternal instinct to satisfy his father hunger.
A woman can not bestow masculinity, nor can her maternal instinct heal the wounded masculine soul. He is father-famished, and mothering this type of wound will further emasculate him, extending his adolescence years and perhaps decades beyond the stage of normal boyhood.
Read the following short conversation between Nullah, a little half breed Aboriginal boy, and Drover, an Australian cattle driver from the movie Australia:
Nullah: You a man, Drover?
Drover: Yeah, I try to be.
Nullah: Sometimes man got to get away from woman.
Drover: Maybe.
Nullah: That’s why you go droving.
Drover: I go droving ’cause that’s my job.
Nullah: If you don’t go droving, you not a man.
Young Nullah has learned from his grandfather, King George, an old Aboriginal man that a boy can not become a man until he leaves his mother and completes his walkabout into the wilderness.
Drover, played by Hugh Jackman, later explains to Lady Sarah Ashley, played by Nicole Kidman, that Nullah needs to go on walkabout and that without ceremony (walkabout) the boy will have no love in his heart, he’ll have nothing; no dreaming, no story, and no country.
And this is the problem with our culture. Boys do not, in a healthy way, detach from the woman, which should be initiated by the father’s invitation. The ceremony between father and son never happens, and so, the son remains a boy with no love in his heart, no dreaming, no story, and no country or belonging. As a matter of fact, for far too many boys, there is no father to speak of. And so, men awkwardly and inappropriately remain attached to the woman as mother rather than as an equal. Romance becomes incestuous and confusing, as men become seekers of mothers rather than partners.
I have firsthand experience with this. You see, I lived a parent-child relationship for the first fifteen years of my marriage to Toni. It was a wise counselor, Jim Matthews, who pointed this out to Toni and I during a crisis therapy session. Oddly, Toni was the mother I’d always wanted, and I was the son she wanted to fix and mother. I was terribly unfathered and a broken man. We almost lost our marriage many times throughout those first fifteen years.
At one point, Toni stepped out in faith and ceased mothering me, which allowed me to fail or succeed until I became the man she needed and deserved. Without my wife acting as my mother, I had to grow up, or I’d lose my family of three sons and one daughter. My legacy and my children’s future were at stake.
In a miraculous way, and due to the courage of my wife, I became the man, husband, and father my family needed and deserved. This is why I have written this article, to tell others that change is possible, even in the most damaged life or marriage, there is hope and healing. My good friends, Dustin Scott Guerrero and his wife Angie Orlando-Guerrero also have an amazing and beautiful story of healing and restoration that is powerful and inspiring. Their’s is the kind of story that would make an amazing Hollywood movie!
You see, a real woman does not want a grown man to follow her around like a lost boy or puppy. When the cuteness wears off, she awkwardly becomes a mother, rather than a lover of a true man. Relationships become difficult when a man can not give, but is in contestant need to receive.
A man must detach from Eve in order to become attached to the Father Heart of God. Without a father in the life of a boy, the boy becomes lost and wounded. When the boy ages into adulthood, without initiation and ceremony, he hides his unfathered and boyish heart with the fig leaves of false masculinity and posing.
Wounded boys and men like this need healing. Jordan and I have witnessed the miracle of healing and restoration of men’s hearts to the Father Heart of God in the space of a few days. God can and does heal by just one word. After all, did not God speak the world into existence by the Word of his power?
“For He spoke, and all things came into being. A single command from His lips and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.” –Psalms 33:9
“His Son is the radiance of his glory, the very image of his substance, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purified us of our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high…” –Hebrews 1:3
Yes, God can do a miracle in a man’s soul with one word!
Also, do you see the connection between “His Son is the radiance of his glory,” and “you, being, or becoming His son,” reflecting his radiance? This is something that only the Father-God can do. This is not the woman’s place or role in a man’s life.
A real woman desires a real man. However, so many women have settled for boys trapped inside the body of a man and so become mothers. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. Women searching for real men and real men searching for real women, but finding only the adolescent forms of what whole men and women should be. Only God can stop this cycle, and it starts with the healing of father wounds in the hearts of men and women.
The enemy has spoken words of power also, and so stricken and wounded the hearts of people by using wounded fathers and mothers, too, to wound the heart and soul of their offspring. Thus perpetuating cursed boys and girls, which grow up with insatiable (impossible to satisfying) desires, or appetites for sex and drugs, or eating disorders. The hole is a God sized hole, which only his wholeness can fill. But since many significant wounds originate with the father or mother, they are driven away from the Father Heart of God and the nurturing and maternal presence of the Holy Spirit.
John Eldredge, author and speaker, wrote the following:
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
And so, we live a life without tears, without compassion and love for our own wounded hearts and souls. We all die silently while God has delivered to us our only remedy, that is, Jesus Christ.
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” said Jesus –John 14:6.
The Father is the principal destination, and the Son is the vehicle, or passage way to the heart of Abba-God. (Abba is Hebrew for: Papa or Da-da, an endearing term for Father).
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” –Romans 8:15
“Because you are now part of God’s family, He sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts; and the Spirit calls out, “Abba, Father.” –Galatians 4:6
For those who have the Water of Life, start watering. For those of you, my dear friends, and those whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and you will never go thirsty again.
Jesus said, “… Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” –John 4:14
If you want to hear more about this amazing Water and the Father Heart of God, message me, or ask for it from others who are drinking from this Well of Life and who are acquainted with the Abba of Jesus.
Don’t remain in slavery, and do not give into fear, but receive the Spirit of Life, of adoption into the family of God — into the Father-Heart of God.
Do not silently hide, or dismiss your heart, become the man you were meant to become, and simply pray and ask God to father you in the way you should go, and you will find peace and wholeness.
Our God is no deadbeat, Dad, but the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace! –Isaiah 9:6
Becoming a true and whole man is what every real woman desires — she’s after the authentic you!
“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn, through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache is written in your book.” –Psalms 56:8
“He has not forgotten the one who is hurting. He has not turned away from his suffering. He has not turned his face away from him. He has listened to his cry for help.” –Psalms 22:24
Our family consisted of eight people, and we lived in our tiny 1400-square-foot, four-bedroom, two-bath home in a housing development in Martinez, CA. I lived there from late 1965 until July 1978.
During those years, I was forced to share a bedroom with my older brother Jeffrey, who is only sixteen months older than me. I had always thought it was a mistake for our parents to room Jeffery and me together, as we constantly fought and were at each other’s throats!
But at the same time, we were both there for each other, especially after we both were terribly beaten, sometimes separately, and at times together, we were lashed, punched, or kicked. During Those moments, Jeffrey and I would become friends and assuage each other’s wounds or share our complaints and anger about what had happened and the unfairness of it all. And maybe our brief times of fellowship and friendship were based on the principle: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Still, Jeffrey helped me as my older brother by caring for me when I was abused.
At times, we’d become fellow cellmates, imprisoned in our bedroom together for hours or perhaps for an entire day. However, I think Jeffrey had it much worse than me, if you can believe it!
At ten years of age, my life began to exhibit evidence of being soul murdered. Although physically alive, my trust and sense of safety were nearly gone. I was incapable of bonding and receiving love or belonging to anyone. The hole this created in me was too broad and deep for any human to fill. I was unwanted and unloved. The abuse was so horrific that it impacted my identity.
During those abusive years, I developed new titles: The Discarded One, The Disgraceful One, and the Unwanted One, which began to dictate my life and identity. My mother bestowed those titles upon me during her fits of rage.
I became a lost boy, un-fathered and un-mothered by nurture and love. My home was my house of horrors. I found solace in living a secret life of fantasy and daydreaming, similar to the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye called: “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”
In elementary school, I would sit there, daydreaming of some incredible feat or be far away on a voyage to uncharted islands of mystery. I always imagined myself as the hero.
After my father had passed away, I found a bundle of old report cards. One report card from my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Dodd, stood out. On the back of the report card was written a personal note to my parents:
“Thomas just seems to sit here in class, daydreaming.”
Growing up, you were always guilty in our home and never allowed the opportunity to plead your innocence. Even if one of my siblings tattled on me, it would often end up with a beating or punishment. The only thing protecting each of us from excessive tattling was the military doctrine of “Mutual Assured Beatings!” Even the tattler could be swept up in our mother’s rage, suffering a beating, too! So, we used tattling sparingly.
This created a hypersensitivity to injustice, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Even today, I am acutely sensitive to injustice against myself and others.
“Fate, it seems, is not without its sense of irony,” said Morpheus in the movie, “The Matrix.” . Like Neo, the movie’s central character, he was powerless and a slave to a programmed existence. My “sense of irony” showed up in my career choices. I believe my sensitivity to injustice is why I have successfully settled claims on behalf of fire and water damage victims. I am empathetic to individuals and families being abused by Impersonal insurance companies that place shareholders above policyholders.
So, unknown to me, the terrible injustice I suffered as a child had fatefully trained me for my vocation. Perhaps it is more likely that the sense of irony is not fate, but rather, I became attracted to my career choices because of parental abuse and their unjust treatment.
Had there been an actual “Morpheus” in my life, it would have been so helpful to extricate me from the matrix of horrors. But, in fact, there was. This is why my hopeless story is so hope-filled. The name “Morpheus” actually means: ‘He who shapes.’ As you read on, you will learn through my story that there has indeed been, and continues to be, a “Morpheus” in my life.
Nevertheless, an undeniable force is shaping me through a maze of pain and struggle of good and bad days to a present joy-filled life, which now I would never trade or abandon. It would be like saying to a diamond, “Turn back into coal,” or to a pearl, “Turn back into a grain of sand.” I’m still in the “rough,” so to speak, and in between two extremes: the lightness of joy and contentment and the weightiness of pain and agony.
This precise pressure point masterfully creates diamonds of joy and the pearls of contentment within my life. Pain is never the product of this process, but joy and happiness are. Pain and agony are elements necessary to produce “suffering,” which produces eternal qualities and degrees of character that can not be developed in any other way.
So, in a nutshell, “Don’t waste your suffering!” It is the process of suffering that can lead to a fulfilling life! And so it is, I believe, for you, too. Your story is not an endless season of reruns but of purposeful and significant meaning.
“Rest, the answers are coming…” Said Morpheus to a perplexed and doubting Thomas Anderson at the beginning of his transformation into “Neo.”
By the way, you are transforming, and what that is will be revealed in time. The process you are in may be painful and even hopeless, but everything good and true, of worth and value, comes with pain and suffering. It is all a part of living and transforming. Until then, my dear friend, “Rest, the answers are coming…”
Be brave enough to journey into your past. Not alone like you have so many times before; no, this time, journey back with God. Invite Him into your past as your guide, comforter, and healer. Ask Him for wisdom and understanding. Then, prepare yourself to forgive those who’ve wounded and harmed you. Forgiveness is pivotal. Without it, you’ll remain imprisoned and tormented.
This was the journey that I took and am still on. This is how I learned the importance of forgiveness and the value of tears. Tears are the beginning of transforming from The Unseen One to God’s Beloved One.
It’s those forgotten little memories that can change everything!
Early in 1998, my brother called and told me that my dad was dying of cancer and that dad was asking for me.
When I heard this, I was very upset. Not that my father was dying, mind you, but that he’d asked for me. I needed him all my life, and now, he’s asking for me?
“Tell Dad I’m not coming!” I replied.
I have four brothers and a sister, and they all called me, urging me to visit Dad. A week or so went by, and I finally caved into the pressure.
I first visited my dad in the Contra Costa County Hospital, as the VA in Martinez, California, was short on beds. There, he lay in a bed surrounded by adjustable rails. My younger brother, John, and my mother were present.
My mom pulled me aside to tell me the seriousness of Dad’s esophageal cancer. She said, “It doesn’t look good, I’ve researched the prognosis, and he doesn’t have much time left.” By the time I had visited my father, he’d already been battered by chemotherapy and every other treatment.
The cancer had permanently closed up his esophagus, and he could no longer swallow but was fed through a feeding tube, which was surgically inserted through the side of his abdomen and directly into his stomach. My father was so frightened; I had never seen him so fragile and helpless.
Since things did not look good for my dad, I called one of my pastors from our church in Danville, California, called East Bay Fellowship, which I was attending with my wife and kids. I asked if Pastor Allan Shrewsbury could come by and pray over my father in the hope that it would give him some comfort.
Pastor Allan quickly arrived, praying with my dad and confirming my father’s faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior.
It was getting late, and we began to ready ourselves to leave when I noticed tears filling my father’s eyes, along with the room filling with a sense of heaviness. It seemed as though this might be our last goodbye. I think the feeling of; “he may not make it through the night” hit all of us at the same time.
Compassion began to rise within my heart. I leaned over his bedrail and gently kissed my father’s unshaven face. His prickly whiskers caused my lips to tingle. My brother John leaned in and kissed our dad, as did my mom, and then we all tried to convince and reassure him that he would be fine as we slowly left the room.
As John and I walked out together towards the parking lot, my lips still tingling, I said:
“John, there is something strangely familiar about kissing dad.” I continued:
“My lips—they’re still tingling!”
John responded:
“What’s up with you, Tom? Don’t you remember when we were little kids, we’d line up in front of dad’s favorite chair and kiss him goodnight on his cheek, and he’d say with a smile,
’… Don’t let the bedbugs bite!’”
All of a sudden, good memories came flooding into my mind. That gentle kiss on my father’s unshaven face was a key to my dungeon of despair and loneliness. All my years of anger, bitterness, and hatred; all my doubts and unforgiveness, all swallowed up from the tingly whiskers of my father’s unshaven face!
After that moment, I couldn’t wait to see my father. I saw him over the next several months as often as I could.
Several weeks before my dad passed away, a nurse came into his hospital room, asking:
“Who is your executor and healthcare director?”
My father lifted his feeble arm and pointed in my direction. I turned to see if one of my two older brothers was behind me, but there was no one.
For some, this would have been an unwelcome appointment, a burden, but for me, it meant I had my father’s complete and utter trust and respect. The significance of my dad’s appointment was a paradigm shift for me, possibly one of my most life-affirming events.
Later, I learned that my father had consulted with my mother about whom he should appoint as Trustee of his estate and healthcare. My mother agreed with my dad on his final choice. My sister, Laurie, was also named co-trustee. Simply amazing!
A few weeks later, my dad’s condition was worsening. His organs were beginning to show signs of shutting down. At this point, my siblings and I would trade off, spending the night with Dad alone.
Finally, it was my turn. It was October 7, 1998. I arrived shortly after the dinner hour. A nurse brought in a cot with a blanket and a pillow for me to sleep on. My dad and I talked for quite a while, mostly about politics, which was my dad’s favorite topic. Soon, it was lights out, which never happens in a hospital.
As I lay there, realizing the significance of this moment with my dad, I knew if I didn’t say what was indeed on my heart now, that this moment would be lost forever. You see, my father had never told me that he loved me. I was thirty-nine years old, and my dad was about to turn sixty-nine the next day. I wanted so much to hear those words from him; no, I needed to hear those words from him—something in me was guiding me and granting me the courage to say what I needed to say:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?” he replied
Dad … I love you!” I said cautiously.
Only mere seconds passed by, but it felt like years.
“… I love you too, son,” Dad replied.
I exchanged “I love you” with my dad for what seemed like all night long! I said those precious and life-giving words, which he echoed back:
“I love you too, son.”
All my hate and anger against my dad had washed away, and now for good! I heard the three most important words every son or daughter needs to hear:
“I love you, son!”
“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the LORD arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” — Malachi 4: 5-6
The days of the “curse” were finally over for me. For a greater spirit than Elijah had entered that hospital room that night. The Spirit of the Living God had softened the hearts of father and son, and the mess I had made of my life suddenly became beautiful!
“His wrath, you see, is fleeting, but His grace lasts a lifetime. The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.” — Psalms 30:5
My dad, while broken with cancer, poured into me so much life and hope, and, in such a short time! The man whom I had despised all of my life was my dad, with whom I just fell in love but who is now leaving.
The morning came, with it, a smile and a “Happy Birthday, Dad!”
It was October 8, 1998, and my father wanted to get cleaned up for his Birthday. He said:
“Tom, get my shaving bag, it’s over there, in that cabinet.”
“Here it is, Dad,” I replied.
“Okay, get my Electric Shave lotion and my razor out,” my dad directed, and then he asked:
“Son, will you shave my face?”
This may sound silly, but this was the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with my father. The whiskers that tingled my lips and softened the hardness of my heart, the mouth that finally spoke: “I love you too, son,” was the face I was about to care for and shave.
“The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”
… and I shaved my father’s face.
That is why I would not change a single moment of my life. The pain is swallowed up in the sweetness of heartfelt forgiveness and the “I love yous.” For what had become broken has now been given, and the mess of my life has now become beautiful!
Four days later, on October 12, 1998, my father passed away. At his right-hand side, I stood a restored and beloved son, loved and approved. As life was quickly draining from my dad, he looked up towards the ceiling, letting out his final breath; he smiled, his heartbeat stopped, and we wept loudly in the grief of our great loss! I then reached over his body and closed my father’s eyes.
He died my hero triumphantly and bravely; he faced death and passed from this life into the heart of God.
“Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now?” – I Corinthians 15:55
While this was both a painful and magical time for me, these events with my father were a new beginning and a paradigm shift for my present and future.
I can honestly say that God used the final moments of my father’s life to make me into a better man, a restored son, and a better father.
Letting my anger for my father go allowed love to come bursting in. Becoming my father’s beloved son made it possible for me to believe I could be God’s beloved son, too.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’ll see you in heaven. I love you, dad!
Never underestimate the power, authority, and security of a father’s connection. There is nothing on earth that can take its place.
Since time began, power was, and is, the principal motivator of life. Whoever wields power has control, authority, and security. If you think about it, these three things are essential for just about any group of people. In fact, they are essential for a healthy family.
This is why family is so important. It is the very fabric that holds society together.
Whether you agree or not, God instituted family. He derived the construct from his trinitary-self of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Father, wife, and child are by design, God’s reflective image of himself into creation.
God first creates man, then woman, then from their union, offspring. God shares with man his power, giving him control, authority, and security. He places man in the center of paradise and says you tend it, cultivate it, rule over it, and honor its boundaries (security).
Fundamentally, our identity, personhood, and security come from our families and principally from our fathers. The most primal and significant connection we can have on earth begins with our fathers. It’s not an option—it’s foundational!
This is why fatherhood is under such terrible assault. It is the most strategic and essential part of God’s design and image. Destroy the image of fathers, and you destroy the image of Father-God. Turn the children from their fathers, and you’ll frustrate and hinder children from finding their Heavenly Father.
When fathers and children turn away from each other, the family crumbles. When this becomes the norm, marriages crumble, and children become aimless and disenfranchised from the safety of paternal authority, control, and security. They become targets of destructive philosophies, ideologies, and influences.
The following is an excellent portrayal of the destructive force against fathers and family:
In the 1991 Movie “Hook,” starring Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook, Robbin Williams as Peter Banning (Peter Pan), and Charlie Korsmo as Jack Banning, Peter’s son; an interesting scene takes place between Captain Hook and little Jack Banning:
Hook: Such a pretty, pretty…. … What is that I hear? A ticking. Smee, stop the ticking! Stop that! Stop that “tick-tick”!
Smee: There’s no ticking here. There’s nothing left to tick.
Hook: This is for the ticking that might have been. Get his father’s watch!
Smee: Right.
Hook: Go on. You know you want to. Give it a try. Go on.
Jack: This is for..never letting me blow bubbles in my chocolate milk!
[he smashes his dad’s watch]
Smee: Yes!
Hook: Ha ha! Good form! Bravo!
Smee: There you go! Isn’t that wonderful?
Jack: This is for never letting me jump on my own bed.
[Jack smashes the watch again]
Hook: Make time stand still, laddie.
Jack: For always making promises and breaking them! For never doing anything with me.
[ Once again, Jack smashes the watch]
Hook: For a father who’s never there, Jack. Jack, for a father who didn’t save you on the ship.
Jack: [Sadly] Who wouldn’t save us….
Hook: Who couldn’t save you, Jack.
Jack: He wouldn’t. He didn’t even try. He was there, we were there, and he wouldn’t try.
Hook: Jack, he will try. And the question will be: When the time comes, do you want to be saved? Now, don’t you answer now. No, no, no, no. Now it’s time to be whatever you want to be. Put behind you any thoughts of home…that place of broken promises.
Jack: That what?
Hook: Have I ever made a promise, Jack… … I have not kept? Have I, son?
Did you read how the evil Hook exploits Jack’s wounds? Then Hook belittles his father, even to the point of “when the time comes, Jack, do you want to be saved?”
Hook continues, stealing the boy’s identity:
“…Now it’s time to be whatever you want to be. Put behind you any thoughts of home… … that place of broken promises.”
Not only does Hook steal the boy’s identity, he sinisterly robs him of his sense of belonging and then mischaracterizes Jack’s home “as a place of broken promises.”
Hook tops it off by reidentifying Jack as “his son.” He strikes Jack’s wound at the center of his heart, reminding Jack that his dad is weak, a liar, and a man of broken promises.
“Hook: Have I ever made a promise, Jack… … I have not kept? – Have I, son?”
I truly believe that this clever and well-written movie accurately illustrates how evil destroys fathers, families, children, and homes.
In the last book of the Old Testament, the last chapter and the last two verses read:
“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the Lord arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” Malachi 4:5-6
The fulfillment of this Malachi prophecy occurs in the First Chapter of Luke 1:17. John The Baptist prepared the way for Jesus Christ, whose mission was to redeem the lost sons of Adam.
When fathers and children remain estranged and God’s salvation is averted, the land, culture, and society become cursed. It is undeniable that our land, America, has been cursed.
Fathers, do whatever it takes to connect with your kids. Kids, do whatever it takes to connect with your fathers.
Sometimes, taking up our father’s interest in sports, hobbies, etc., is the only way we can connect with our fathers. His pastime becomes ours, and maybe the only bridge on earth to reach him and spend time with him.
However, I’d rather see fathers turn their hearts towards their children, enter their world, and connect with their likes.
The hearts of the fathers must initiate a turning back to their children, or there’s little hope for society, and maybe your family, too. Their best hope of connecting to God is their connecting with dad!
Fathers, your legacy is at risk – worse, your children’s future and eternity are at stake.
Never underestimate the power, authority, and security of a father’s role and his connection. There is nothing on earth that can take its place!
“The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.” —Bruce Lee
This article is dedicated to my friend and colleague of 34 years, Jahn Miller. Jahn was a man who lived a life worth remembering. His entire career and life were about bringing fairness and justice to those in need. Jahn was a voice and advocate for those victimized by impersonal corporations, which care more for shareholders than their policyholders.
Over his vast 45-year career, Jahn singlehandedly moved hundreds of millions of dollars held tightly by cold-handed, impersonal corporations, delivering it to victims of fire, flood, and calamity. It was no easy task, but Jahn was no easy guy. He was tenacious—a bulldog to insurance carriers, but a “guidedog” to the disenfranchised. Hmm, I just realized Jahn Miller was “Robin Hood” of Berkeley!
Jahn wasn’t a tall man by stature, but he was a giant on behalf of those who trusted him! I will never forget Jahn Miller of Berkeley, California. My dear friend passed away on the 3rd of June, 2024. Jahn was born July 12, 1950. Jahn simply changed his address, where he can finally retire in peace. In heaven, there are no disputes and no impersonal, coldhearted corporations.
Jahn is survived by his beloved, Sandra Ezra, and his pride and joy, Victoria Miller (Vic Milla), his daughter.
Jahn N. Miller, a man who lived a life worth remembering.
Live Like Jahn!
Did you know that seven out of ten people can not remember the name of their great grandfather. This means that most fathers of today will be forgotten in less than three generations. It’s not that children can’t remember. It’s that most fathers are absent in their lives and therefore are absent in their children’s and in their grandchildren’s memories. The verbal tradition of familial heritage becomes silent when we live selfishly or abusively to our offspring.
This is more significant than simply remembering the name of our great grandfathers. Rather, it’s about whether our lives today and tomorrow were meaningful enough to be worth remembering or positive enough to be inspirational.
When I first learned of this statistic, I sat there shocked—in utter disbelief and horror. This would mean that my future offspring would be oblivious to my existence, and my life today, tomorrow, and forever would be as though I never existed!
The Scriptures says:
“God has set eternity in the hearts of men.” – Ecclesiastes 3:11.
This is why being forgotten is so frightening. Eternity is written into our hearts, and souls—to never have existed is contrary to our DNA and to our consciousness.
This set within me a passion to leave an indelible and positive mark on the hearts and minds of my children and grandchildren. This is why I write articles and stories. Not only do I want my children’s children and their children to remember me, but I want the life I live now to inspire them to do memorable acts of love and goodness for others.
The Apostle Paul wrote:
“… He will give eternal life to those who keep on doing good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers.” – Romans 2:7
I want my children to do greater things than me, so that their children will also be inspired to do greater things than their parents, and so on. I want what God desires for me and my children—a life of eternity, glory, honor, and immortality.
I want my children to do greater things than me, so that their children will also be inspired to do greater things than their parents, and so on.
Job puts it this way:
“The righteous move onward and forward; those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.” – Job 17:9
Also, I write articles and blogs for others, leaving behind breadcrumbs, so that they, too, will find the Father-heart of God. Finding God’s heart and living to please him is how we can live a life worth remembering. A life lived well is one doing what exists in heaven, here, on earth. It’s knowing God’s will as it exists in heaven and cooperating with him to make it happen with your life here, now.
I want as many people possible to experience the joy and amazement of belonging to a loving God, through His beloved Son, Jesus Christ. You see, even God desired that His Son live a legacy life to be remembered and never forgotten—That all the works of Jesus would lead us to His Father—That all the Father’s spiritual offspring would find their way home, to Heaven.
Your greatest accomplishment is not only to father your children well while you’re living, but even more so after you’re gone. This is called a legacy—Living a life worth remembering!
Call To Courage 