Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
The reason you feel like a victim is because you do not feel like a son or daughter. Having an “orphan mentality” makes you vulnerable and an easy target of doom and gloom.
The longer you see yourself as an orphan, you become a prime target by the Father of Lies and his abusive cohorts. Trust me, the Father of Lies, well he’s nothing but a deadbeat dad. Nothing good can come from him. He can’t offer you a future, but only a darkened past.
The Enemy’s plan? Cause you pain to rob you of your future. God’s plan? Give you a future through your pain and rob the Enemy.
Stop interpreting your hardship as a series of mishaps. If you begin to embrace all hardship as an established fact of your son-ship, suddenly you’ll gain strength you’ve never thought possible. Our God is no dead-beat dad; those whom he loves, he inflicts hardship, and his hardship for your life comes from a good place—his heart.
“My child, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights. Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.” –Proverbs 3:11-13
“Endure [all] suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?” [Emphasis mine] –Hebrews 12:7
“God corrects all his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him.” –Hebrews 12:8
GOD is fathering you into the best son, or daughter you can be, because that’s what a good father does.
Nothing can be more meaningful or powerful as the Father Heart of GOD.
Maybe you’re simply misunderstanding your difficulties. If you can accept difficulties as a test from God rather than bad luck, you’ll want to pass the test instead of complaining about it.
Maybe you’re not an orphan after all, maybe God is fathering you because he’s in love with you, just like a real daddy.
So, snap out of it!
You’re not an orphan but a son or daughter of The Most High God!
The very things you are hiding may be the healing hope of others.
Have you ever considered that your wounds may be a perfect gift from God that can serve others in profound ways?
“In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.” – Brennan Manning
It is not the breaking of our bodies that should be our focus— not the illnesses we may suffer from time to time—no matter how severe. It’s not our sicknesses we should buffer or how broken we may become while here—there is something else to consider—something other is near.
It’s not the betrayals or deceptions we may encounter, even if our hearts have been shattered and our souls are emptied and filled only with fear. The life that remains in us, which may be covered with grief, pain, and despair, is like the snow-covered flowers in winter, shall be unveiled when spring again fills the air.
For even the faintest heartbeat and most shallow of breath, there lies hope. Life does not come easy, even for the most wealthy, yet life is a choice to be made. And if we so choose to believe it, beauty shall be our reward each new day and each new year.
Authentic living shall bring forth such brightness to dispel and vanquish such desperate despair.
Our most gloomy nights filled with impatient anger can be transformed into powerful meekness and care; such sweetness to our bitter sorrows are waiting; such eternal wealth for our poverty is near, and such fullness to satisfy all hunger, to our souls shall there be the grandest affair.
All for those who shall be rewarded of mustard seed faith to compare; of glories unknown to the healthy, but for the sick such treasure laid bare; for beauty and ashes shall be traded, but none for the self-righteous to spare.
So kiss your chains, which binds you to all sorts of suffering, and thankfully say: “Good morning” to the pain, which lingered throughout the night and, yet, remains into the days, weeks, months, or perhaps years. In all things, even the bad and the ugly work out for our good by God’s care. This does not add to his glory, for He is complete in all attributes he bares, but it does add to your ultimate healing and refined glory to be credited and to be shared.
We who believe, and are true sons and daughters of God, are broken to be given and to become children who bear a lesser yet increasing glory of the Most Glorious Father of our hearts and souls.
So let’s not waste our suffering on complaining and blaming, but rather let us all rejoice in our transformation, which is to follow if we endure and do not despair!
Your brokenness is making you beautiful and a wellspring of Life for other sufferers to drink from. That, my dear sisters and brothers, is the Christ of all Healing, The God of all Comfort, and the Everlasting Father of all fragile Hopes.
The greatest gift that God could give required his only Son to suffer an ignominious and terrible death so that through Christ’s suffering, we would have everlasting life.
He was beaten, broken, and bruised for our healing that he may be given in place of our punishment for the Joy set before him.
My friends, you are that Joy!
My business takes me to people who have lost their homes and sometimes their loved ones to fire, flooding, or earthquake. Knowing this, I’ve added the following words to the reverse side of my business card:
“Living a scarless life is not living at all—sometimes, our greatest triumphs lie in our greatest defeats. In all things, I am a child of God and never a victim. I do not, therefore, interpret tragic circumstances as mishaps but as a divinely scheduled trip to God’s beauty salon.”
… God’s breaking is so that you may have something to give—something of eternal value. You are becoming His handiwork!
Sometimes, it’s the simple prayer of a desperate heart that changes everything!
I know my Heavenly Father has me where he wants me, in his capable hands. But sometimes I forget. It’s not always easy to place my life and my prayers into his hands. When the struggling is over, and I rest in who he is, I find peace and the assurance that he hears my prayers.
I can, and do, at times, recount the prayers in which he’s answered. Since, in most times, my prayers are about major issues, they indeed are worth remembering and thanking him all over again. But those desperate, little prayers are just as meaningful too and worth remembering.
This is why the first word His Holy Spirit teaches us to say is “Abba Father,” which actually means “poppa,” or “da-da” in Hebrew. He wants that kind of trust and familiarity from us. The God of All Creation invites us to call out to him as an infant, frail, dependent, and trusting.
My favorite title in all the world is “Daddy.” It was my precious daughter, Tessa, who’d call me daddy, while my boys would call me dad or pops. Daddy is the title that would melt my heart and soften my face.
I truly believe that our Heavenly Father loves us to call him “daddy,” “poppa,” or even “da-da.” I think he wants to hear that name and title from you. I believe that Abba may be God’s favorite name.
One lonely and rainy morning, I was traveling to Castro Valley, California, for work. It was 5:30 a.m., still dark, as I was approaching Vasco Road in Brentwood. I had been prayerless for weeks, as I had drifted away from God. I desperately wanted to pray, but I had lost my words and was filled with shame.
I remembered a simple prayer that I read in a book by Brennan Manning, titled: “Abba’s Child” – The Cry of The Heart For Intimate Belonging.
I began reciting the words:
“Abba-Father, I belong to you—Abba-Father, I belong to you!”
Over and over again, this prayer bubbled up from my desperate and lonely heart.
With the rain pounding my windshield, tears began streaming down my face, making it harder to see.
With more than a few dozen cars ahead of me, I came to a stop at the dreaded lighted intersection of Camino Diablo and Vasco Road. While traffic was inching along, I kept desperately praying that simply prayer, “Abba-Father, I belong to you.”
In my desperatness, I added, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine, his banner over me is love,” taken from the Old Testament book, Songs of Songs.
I finally made it to the intersection, as one by one, each car negotiated their turns. The rain still pouring down, I completed my turn onto Vasco Road, heading towards Livermore to catch HWY 580, still crying and praying with all my heart.
As soon as my headlights illuminated the car in front of me, their license plate frame brightly reflected to me the following words:
“ABBA’S CHILD.”
I had to wipe my eyes, just to confirm what I was seeing was real! My heart became instantly alive again. My soul began to soar! I heard God, loud and clear, in the depths of my heart and with my own eyes!
God had heard my simple but desperate prayer. He reminded me in that moment at Camino Diablo and Vasco Road that I am still his child.
I am Abba’s Child! God’s miraculous reminder changed me in an instant and restored my soul!
God hears our prayers! Even when we’ve brushed him off or drifted far away from him. Abba-God rushes back at the sound of our cries—at the sound of our awkward prayers, he comes back into our lives just as a real daddy does.
I ask you to look at the photo below and imagine yourself in Abba’s embrace. Now, release your fears, worries, concerns; your sicknesses, and diseases; your loss of love or marriage; your suffering and finances, and all your loneliness and let it all go into Abba-God’s strong and sure embrace. Take a deep breath, relax—let it go, he can handle it all.
“The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord, And He delights in his way [and blesses his path]. When he falls, he will not be hurled down because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.” –Psalm 37:23-24 Amplified Bible
Do you see? You belong to him, as a legitimate son or daughter—you’re his responsibility.
Now thank him and sleep well tonight, and when you wake up, remind yourself of this little prayer:
“Abba Father, I belong to you—Abba Father, I belong to you.” I am my beloved’s, and he is mine; his banner over me is love. Amen
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
My son Jordan and I listened to several of John Eldredge’s podcasts on the way down to Bakersfield a few years ago. We talked about how good It would be if we could get a weekend retreat scheduled to help men and boys with their brokenness and father hunger.
One thing that Jordan and I have learned in hosting many retreats in the past, is that if a man is to be healed from the father wound, or to draw closer to the heart of God, going to the mountains and spending a little time away from the familiar and from responsibilities provides an excellent environment to find clarity and healing.
There is a clear biblical mandate in scriptures for fathers and sons to turn their hearts towards each other, as written in Malachi 4:5-6 and in Luke 1:17.
Did you know that God closes the Old Testament with Fathers turning their hearts towards their sons, Malachi 4:5-6, and then opens the New Testament with the same message in Luke 1:17? As a matter of fact, a broken and wounded relationship between fathers and sons leads to a cursed life. In turn, a cursed life causes the wounded sons of Adam to detest and avoid the Father Heart of God. And, like Adam, we are driven away from God and cover our nakedness (shame) with a false life and endless pursuits of Eve (the woman).
Eve becomes a surrogate; a pseudo-god in place of the Father Heart of God. Her comfort replaces the comfort from Father God, and her beauty replaces the glory of God. So, man sees his reflection in the woman rather than in God. He grades himself and his masculinity in the responses and opinions he receives from women.
I find it interesting that God created Adam apart from Eve. God walked with Adam for some time before he created and presented the woman to him. If a man is to walk with God; if he is to be fathered by God, he must let go of Eve. He must cease his pursuit for her comfort; for her beauty, and her maternal instinct to satisfy his father hunger.
A woman can not bestow masculinity, nor can her maternal instinct heal the wounded masculine soul. He is father-famished, and mothering this type of wound will further emasculate him, extending his adolescence years and perhaps decades beyond the stage of normal boyhood.
Read the following short conversation between Nullah, a little half breed Aboriginal boy, and Drover, an Australian cattle driver from the movie Australia:
Nullah: You a man, Drover?
Drover: Yeah, I try to be.
Nullah: Sometimes man got to get away from woman.
Drover: Maybe.
Nullah: That’s why you go droving.
Drover: I go droving ’cause that’s my job.
Nullah: If you don’t go droving, you not a man.
Young Nullah has learned from his grandfather, King George, an old Aboriginal man that a boy can not become a man until he leaves his mother and completes his walkabout into the wilderness.
Drover, played by Hugh Jackman, later explains to Lady Sarah Ashley, played by Nicole Kidman, that Nullah needs to go on walkabout and that without ceremony (walkabout) the boy will have no love in his heart, he’ll have nothing; no dreaming, no story, and no country.
And this is the problem with our culture. Boys do not, in a healthy way, detach from the woman, which should be initiated by the father’s invitation. The ceremony between father and son never happens, and so, the son remains a boy with no love in his heart, no dreaming, no story, and no country or belonging. As a matter of fact, for far too many boys, there is no father to speak of. And so, men awkwardly and inappropriately remain attached to the woman as mother rather than as an equal. Romance becomes incestuous and confusing, as men become seekers of mothers rather than partners.
I have firsthand experience with this. You see, I lived a parent-child relationship for the first fifteen years of my marriage to Toni. It was a wise counselor, Jim Matthews, who pointed this out to Toni and I during a crisis therapy session. Oddly, Toni was the mother I’d always wanted, and I was the son she wanted to fix and mother. I was terribly unfathered and a broken man. We almost lost our marriage many times throughout those first fifteen years.
At one point, Toni stepped out in faith and ceased mothering me, which allowed me to fail or succeed until I became the man she needed and deserved. Without my wife acting as my mother, I had to grow up, or I’d lose my family of three sons and one daughter. My legacy and my children’s future were at stake.
In a miraculous way, and due to the courage of my wife, I became the man, husband, and father my family needed and deserved. This is why I have written this article, to tell others that change is possible, even in the most damaged life or marriage, there is hope and healing. My good friends, Dustin Scott Guerrero and his wife Angie Orlando-Guerrero also have an amazing and beautiful story of healing and restoration that is powerful and inspiring. Their’s is the kind of story that would make an amazing Hollywood movie!
You see, a real woman does not want a grown man to follow her around like a lost boy or puppy. When the cuteness wears off, she awkwardly becomes a mother, rather than a lover of a true man. Relationships become difficult when a man can not give, but is in contestant need to receive.
A man must detach from Eve in order to become attached to the Father Heart of God. Without a father in the life of a boy, the boy becomes lost and wounded. When the boy ages into adulthood, without initiation and ceremony, he hides his unfathered and boyish heart with the fig leaves of false masculinity and posing.
Wounded boys and men like this need healing. Jordan and I have witnessed the miracle of healing and restoration of men’s hearts to the Father Heart of God in the space of a few days. God can and does heal by just one word. After all, did not God speak the world into existence by the Word of his power?
“For He spoke, and all things came into being. A single command from His lips and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.” –Psalms 33:9
“His Son is the radiance of his glory, the very image of his substance, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purified us of our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high…” –Hebrews 1:3
Yes, God can do a miracle in a man’s soul with one word!
Also, do you see the connection between “His Son is the radiance of his glory,” and “you, being, or becoming His son,” reflecting his radiance? This is something that only the Father-God can do. This is not the woman’s place or role in a man’s life.
A real woman desires a real man. However, so many women have settled for boys trapped inside the body of a man and so become mothers. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. Women searching for real men and real men searching for real women, but finding only the adolescent forms of what whole men and women should be. Only God can stop this cycle, and it starts with the healing of father wounds in the hearts of men and women.
The enemy has spoken words of power also, and so stricken and wounded the hearts of people by using wounded fathers and mothers, too, to wound the heart and soul of their offspring. Thus perpetuating cursed boys and girls, which grow up with insatiable (impossible to satisfying) desires, or appetites for sex and drugs, or eating disorders. The hole is a God sized hole, which only his wholeness can fill. But since many significant wounds originate with the father or mother, they are driven away from the Father Heart of God and the nurturing and maternal presence of the Holy Spirit.
John Eldredge, author and speaker, wrote the following:
“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”
And so, we live a life without tears, without compassion and love for our own wounded hearts and souls. We all die silently while God has delivered to us our only remedy, that is, Jesus Christ.
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” said Jesus –John 14:6.
The Father is the principal destination, and the Son is the vehicle, or passage way to the heart of Abba-God. (Abba is Hebrew for: Papa or Da-da, an endearing term for Father).
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” –Romans 8:15
“Because you are now part of God’s family, He sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts; and the Spirit calls out, “Abba, Father.” –Galatians 4:6
For those who have the Water of Life, start watering. For those of you, my dear friends, and those whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and you will never go thirsty again.
Jesus said, “… Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” –John 4:14
If you want to hear more about this amazing Water and the Father Heart of God, message me, or ask for it from others who are drinking from this Well of Life and who are acquainted with the Abba of Jesus.
Don’t remain in slavery, and do not give into fear, but receive the Spirit of Life, of adoption into the family of God — into the Father-Heart of God.
Do not silently hide, or dismiss your heart, become the man you were meant to become, and simply pray and ask God to father you in the way you should go, and you will find peace and wholeness.
Our God is no deadbeat, Dad, but the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace! –Isaiah 9:6
Becoming a true and whole man is what every real woman desires — she’s after the authentic you!
Well, this is what I thought my name was—not because my mom and dad called me Shame, but somehow, in their inflection—when they used my real name—shame is what I had felt. Shame is my earliest memory—which, believe it or not, I was only eighteen months old!
In the spring of 1961, I was a toddler, sitting on my highchair in Paramus, New Jersey, about to eat my very first peanut butter sandwich. My mom had skillfully cut the crust away and segmented my sandwich into four small squares. I remember staring at the plate mom placed on my stainless steel highchair tray. I guess I’m supposed to eat it, so I curiously picked up a square, oozing with peanut butter, and touched it to my lips and tongue. My immediate reaction was to curl my mouth and retract my tongue in disgust while drooling the pasty peanut butter from my mouth to my chin.
Without provocation, my mom grabbed the sandwich square, mauled it into a ball, grabbing my chubby cheeks so hard it forced my mouth to open. She then, with an angry face, tightly gritted teeth, she began shoving the sandwich into my little and nearly toothless mouth, pushing so hard it caused me to choke, gasping for air! Suddenly, my gag reflex kicked in, and I threw up milk and whatever else made it to my stomach all over the highchair tray!
Suddenly, and shockingly, my mom slapped me so hard, me and the highchair nearly tipped over! For what seemed like minutes, or at least until my breath came back into my tiny lungs, I let out a blood curdling scream! While being confused and terrified, my mother slapped me again for crying. To this day, I still hate peanut butter sandwiches.
As an eighteen-month old toddler, I couldn’t process that event in any other way than to conclude something is terribly wrong with me. And this is what shame does; It robs you of your identity and lessens your self-worth. You don’t even know it’s happening, especially if you’re raised in a house of shame.
I have so many of these kinds of memories that it could easily fill an entire book! I will, however, share one more childhood memory of shame for context.
Don’t Pee Outside!
One summer day when I was a normal seven year old boy, one of my siblings tattled on me, reporting to mom:
“Tommy peed outside!”
My mom quickly called me inside to the kitchen, where she did most of her interrogations;
“Did you pee outside?”
—Sitting across the table was my mom’s best friend, Gloria Martin—
With fear and trepidation, I cautiously nodded my head, yes. My mom’s angry face was enough for me to repent, but by seven, I had learned that this was the precursor to shame and abuse.
My mother reached towards the left side of our kitchen table and grabbed a small pair of curved pedicure scissors. Simultaneously, she commanded me to pull down my pants. She then yanked down my underwear, exposing my penis in front of Mrs. Martin.
Mother grabs my penis, stretching it out, and with the scissors in her left-hand proceeds, or at least convinced me she was going to cut it off! I was brutally shamed and abused. Although, as a seven year old little boy, my faculty of reason was undeveloped. I could only interpret the abuse and shame that something is incurably wrong with me. That, and hundreds of days like it, might be the reason my name, Tommy, Tom, or Thomas, was replaced with the name, Shame.
I think chronically shaming a person is similar to murder. I’m not a forensic pathologist nor a psychologist, but isn’t murder when you premeditatedly end the life of a human being? Shame kills identity and destroys self-worth. Shame replaces the spark of life and light with darkness and a desire to cease living.
Several years ago, I was investigating a burned out office building in Berkeley, California. Everything was darkly sooted and smelled heavily of smoke and ash. I was there to measure the fire and smoke damage for an insurance company. As I was photographing each room, I entered one office that had several floor to ceiling shelves filled with books. All the books were heavily sooted and many soaked with water by the fire department. Except, one book, which stuck out a bit. Puzzled as to why this book was so clean, I pulled the book from the shelf. On the cover was a mother sitting on a chair with two small murdered children under one arm and a knife in her other hand. The title of the book:
“Soul Murder – Child Abuse and Deprivation” By LL Shengold – 1989
Needles to say, I had to read it!
To summarize the book a bit:
“Soul murder involves the deliberate traumatization or deprivation by an authority (parent) of his charge (child). The victim is robbed of his identity and of the ability to maintain authentic feelings. Soul murder remains effective if the capacity to think and to know has been sufficiently interfered with—by way of brainwashing – Paradoxically, in order to survive and adjust, some of these people so traumatized as children develop unusual strengths and gifts.”
While this book is highly clinical, I began to unravel and understand what eighteen years living in a house of shame and abuse did to me. Tommy, Tom, or Thomas was soul murdered and the imposter, named Shame had taken his place.
This is not a hopeless story. Yes, it had been a story of physical and psychological abuse and years of despair and deprivation. But my story is actually very much hope-filled. I hope the telling of my story may be the catalyst for you, too, to find hope and healing.
My Safe House
Almost every spy thriller or story of espionage has a safe house. Well, at ten years old, I had my safe house, too. Only, it’s not the safe house of spy movies, filled with firearms, passports, and bags of currency. Nope, my safe house was church!
Church was the only place my mother couldn’t hurt me—even if she was within a swift and accurate backhand to my face, she wouldn’t dare strike me. I learned that Church was not only a safe place for an abused little boy but also a safe place for fake and phony people, like my mommy dearest. Churches rarely will preach, if at all, against child abuse within the home. I think partly because far too many pastors abuse their own families for the sake of “ministry.”
One thing you learn in a shamed-based family is that sometimes moms or both parents will use their children as props. For some children, like me, being a “prop” can destroy your sense of “me” to where you are nothing more than an image or an appendage of your mother. If it sounds incestuous, then you’re correct because it is. It doesn’t have to be sexual in nature to be incestuous. For me, it meant that I, along with my siblings, were used for our mother’s psychological and physical pleasure. We were all adornments that added to our mother’s glittering image. We were less than human. We were little shame-bots who obeyed our mother’s abusive shaming tactics.
There was no greater day of the week for my mother to excel in her fakery than on Sunday. Sunday was my mother’s morning masquerade! She would dress us five boys with button-down shirts, ties, sports coats, spit-polished wingtip shoes, and our hair plastered perfectly with Dippity-doo hair gel of the Sixties and Seventies! My little and only sister was dressed like Shirley Temple! Boy, but we were a real hit in Church! We looked, and, albeit forcibly so, played our parts as the “perfect Christian family” like trained little monkeys!
The fake “perfect Christian family” persona only hid the shame and abuse of all six of us siblings. While Church was my safe house, just like safe houses in spy thrillers, sooner or later, the bad guys crash it. Somehow, my mommy dearest found a way of shaming me in Church with a look that said, “wait till I get you home!”
My New Name
With the name, Shame, so indelibly written into my psyche, a name and identity change were impossible for me. Even though I became a Christian at my safe house, Bethany Baptist Church in Martinez, California, nothing changed in the Koester House of Shame.
I want you to understand that it’s not the house of shame in a family or church that needs to change. We do. Yes, some churches can become a house of shame also. After all, churches are made up of families, too, and ideally, are to become one healthy family. However, like dysfunctional and shamed-based families, sadly, some churches and religious organizations can also be shame-based. You should remove yourself from a shamed-based family and church in order to get healthy.
When you get healthy and free from a shame-based culture, family, or church, you will make healthier decisions, and you’ll see more clearly. Clearly enough to walk with God and maybe a godly counselor and begin the healing process.
My New Life
As I began to grow in my faith and reading of Scripture, I learned that my real worth and identity come from my Creator, God. In spite of what many people believe, God is not the “great shamer” in the sky. He’s not abusive or unjust. When Jesus of Nazareth began his public ministry, he walked into a synagogue, opened up a scroll handed to him, and read the following from the Prophet Isaiah:
“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to preach good tidings unto those who are cast down; to bind up the wounds of the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those that are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; to order in Zion those that mourn, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of despair.”
When I first read this, light came bursting into my darkened prison cell of shame! You see, Church is not an end to a means, but the means to an end of shame and abuse. Church is where I met the God of my Salvation and the Healer of my murdered soul! A good and healthy Church not only preaches the Gospel (“Gospel” is a Greek word used in the Bible, which means “Good News”). But a healthy church is a fellowship and family of broken people becoming whole together. It’s not a recovery group, per se; it’s a group of humble people living a restored and recovered life! Jesus himself promised that if we believe him, we will have life:
“The thief’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”–John 10:10
“Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.” –John 11:25
Do you see how this is such good news to a broken, abused, and shamed little boy, as me?
God took away the imposter’s name of Shame and bestowed a new name upon me; I am God’s restored and Beloved Son! He healed my broken heart, set me free from captivity, opened my prison doors of shame and despair, and resurrected my murdered soul! My identity and worth is better than restored—I’m a new creation—fully pardoned for all my sins and clothed in Jesus’s righteousness. I’m no longer dressed to impress my mother, her peers, or her friends.
“Reconciliation Starts Here – Forgiveness Starts Here–This is Why it is Such A Powerful Weapon”
Christ came to reconcile our past and future so that we may live real and abundant lives in the present. Time and forgetfulness can not heal old wounds. This is why Christ announced his anointing through the reading of Isaiah 61:
“The Sovereign Lord is upon me and has anointed me to preach good news to the spiritual poor and impoverished, to heal the broken hearted; setting captives free, and proclaiming release for the imprisoned.”
Yes, he came for our salvation, but he also came for our healing; to release us from our captivities and to set us free from our bondages. All of these things are from our past. The above list is most often what has happened to us, and Christ is ready to go there with you.
I was the guest speaker at a men’s retreat a few years ago for a men’s group from a church that I had not visited or was I familiar with. At the opening of the retreat, I was introduced to all the men in the group, and one of the men was familiar to me. I introduced myself to this gentleman, and I immediately recalled that this was the man who had molested me as a child, some forty six years earlier.
What ended up happening was nothing short of a miracle and the beauty of the Kingdom of God – peace between the lion and the lamb was about to occur. God had given me the message of reconciliation and forgiveness a few days before the retreat. But before God would allow me to share this message, he asked me to reconcile with that man now, and at that moment, and to forgive him before I do anything else.
So, with God’s grace and power, I cooperated with His Spirit of forgiveness and mercy. I had kept this man’s offense to myself and proceeded with the rest of the retreat. I walked with God into my past. Christ Jesus brought us peace, healing, freedom, and release. Chains fell off that weekend, and a new friendship was born.
Later, I learned that this man had become a Christian shortly after he had molested me so many decades ago. But, until I had forgiven him, I was buried under a mountain of shame.
God, through Christ Jesus, is reconciling the world back to God and even our past. Sometimes, his Spirit of Grace brings us backward to reconcile past hurts, past captivities, and past imprisonments. Whether it’s us behind the bars of hatred and unforgiveness, or the whether we’re the jailer, holding the keys for someone else’s past offenses. We have a divine weapon against fear, hatred, and bitterness, and its called forgiveness!
Through the Men’s Retreat, God had shown me that we can only stumble over our past if it is left in a state of unforgiveness and left unreconciled. Because God is eternal, the Alpha and Omega, he exists in our past, present, and future. The works of Christ, destroying the works of the Devil in all the areas and seasons of our lives, are both completed and ongoing in a multidimensional way, unhindered by time and place.
All governments are upon his shoulders. The expanse of his Kingdom shall know no end. He is the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6. He is there all the time, and in every area of our lives, past, present, and future, but you must believe and obey Him and listen to His voice.
I can not stress how significant the voice of the Lord is and how important it is to listen, follow, and obey. Read the Bible as though it’s written to you first before anyone else. You’ll then know what to do and how to do it.
“He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what the Lord requires of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God.” – Micah 6:8
We can enter into our future with triumph, because Jesus Christ has triumphed over our pasts, and if we work with him, he will bring us to the place of forgiveness, even forgiveness for our past enemies, abusers, and those who’ve betrayed our hearts. It worked out for me, and it can work out for you too!
Forgiveness is such a powerful weapon for good!
God presented me with the opportunity at that retreat – God did not force me to forgive. He simply set up the circumstances. I could’ve gone on hating the perpetrator, exposing him to public shame, condemnation, and ridicule. But hatred condemnation, shame, and self-ridicule were the same mountain on top of me, too.
God softened my heart and Jesus gentley lead me to the cross, and there, at His cross, in a miraculous way, both of our mountains were removed, our hearts softened and forgiveness was granted to us both.
Journey with God, as he leads you, and do not dismiss your past, but have the courage and faith to follow Him wherever he takes you.
Maybe the circumstance that you’re presented with here and now is your opportunity to also give and receive forgiveness.
I can promise you this, when you forgive it’s because God is already there.
“Reconciliation Starts Here – Forgiveness Starts Here – This is Why it is Such A Powerful Weapon.”
“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn, through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache is written in your book.” –Psalms 56:8
“He has not forgotten the one who is hurting. He has not turned away from his suffering. He has not turned his face away from him. He has listened to his cry for help.” –Psalms 22:24
Our family consisted of eight people, and we lived in our tiny 1400-square-foot, four-bedroom, two-bath home in a housing development in Martinez, CA. I lived there from late 1965 until July 1978.
During those years, I was forced to share a bedroom with my older brother Jeffrey, who is only sixteen months older than me. I had always thought it was a mistake for our parents to room Jeffery and me together, as we constantly fought and were at each other’s throats!
But at the same time, we were both there for each other, especially after we both were terribly beaten, sometimes separately, and at times together, we were lashed, punched, or kicked. During Those moments, Jeffrey and I would become friends and assuage each other’s wounds or share our complaints and anger about what had happened and the unfairness of it all. And maybe our brief times of fellowship and friendship were based on the principle: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Still, Jeffrey helped me as my older brother by caring for me when I was abused.
At times, we’d become fellow cellmates, imprisoned in our bedroom together for hours or perhaps for an entire day. However, I think Jeffrey had it much worse than me, if you can believe it!
At ten years of age, my life began to exhibit evidence of being soul murdered. Although physically alive, my trust and sense of safety were nearly gone. I was incapable of bonding and receiving love or belonging to anyone. The hole this created in me was too broad and deep for any human to fill. I was unwanted and unloved. The abuse was so horrific that it impacted my identity.
During those abusive years, I developed new titles: The Discarded One, The Disgraceful One, and the Unwanted One, which began to dictate my life and identity. My mother bestowed those titles upon me during her fits of rage.
I became a lost boy, un-fathered and un-mothered by nurture and love. My home was my house of horrors. I found solace in living a secret life of fantasy and daydreaming, similar to the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye called: “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”
In elementary school, I would sit there, daydreaming of some incredible feat or be far away on a voyage to uncharted islands of mystery. I always imagined myself as the hero.
After my father had passed away, I found a bundle of old report cards. One report card from my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Dodd, stood out. On the back of the report card was written a personal note to my parents:
“Thomas just seems to sit here in class, daydreaming.”
Growing up, you were always guilty in our home and never allowed the opportunity to plead your innocence. Even if one of my siblings tattled on me, it would often end up with a beating or punishment. The only thing protecting each of us from excessive tattling was the military doctrine of “Mutual Assured Beatings!” Even the tattler could be swept up in our mother’s rage, suffering a beating, too! So, we used tattling sparingly.
This created a hypersensitivity to injustice, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Even today, I am acutely sensitive to injustice against myself and others.
“Fate, it seems, is not without its sense of irony,” said Morpheus in the movie, “The Matrix.” . Like Neo, the movie’s central character, he was powerless and a slave to a programmed existence. My “sense of irony” showed up in my career choices. I believe my sensitivity to injustice is why I have successfully settled claims on behalf of fire and water damage victims. I am empathetic to individuals and families being abused by Impersonal insurance companies that place shareholders above policyholders.
So, unknown to me, the terrible injustice I suffered as a child had fatefully trained me for my vocation. Perhaps it is more likely that the sense of irony is not fate, but rather, I became attracted to my career choices because of parental abuse and their unjust treatment.
Had there been an actual “Morpheus” in my life, it would have been so helpful to extricate me from the matrix of horrors. But, in fact, there was. This is why my hopeless story is so hope-filled. The name “Morpheus” actually means: ‘He who shapes.’ As you read on, you will learn through my story that there has indeed been, and continues to be, a “Morpheus” in my life.
Nevertheless, an undeniable force is shaping me through a maze of pain and struggle of good and bad days to a present joy-filled life, which now I would never trade or abandon. It would be like saying to a diamond, “Turn back into coal,” or to a pearl, “Turn back into a grain of sand.” I’m still in the “rough,” so to speak, and in between two extremes: the lightness of joy and contentment and the weightiness of pain and agony.
This precise pressure point masterfully creates diamonds of joy and the pearls of contentment within my life. Pain is never the product of this process, but joy and happiness are. Pain and agony are elements necessary to produce “suffering,” which produces eternal qualities and degrees of character that can not be developed in any other way.
So, in a nutshell, “Don’t waste your suffering!” It is the process of suffering that can lead to a fulfilling life! And so it is, I believe, for you, too. Your story is not an endless season of reruns but of purposeful and significant meaning.
“Rest, the answers are coming…” Said Morpheus to a perplexed and doubting Thomas Anderson at the beginning of his transformation into “Neo.”
By the way, you are transforming, and what that is will be revealed in time. The process you are in may be painful and even hopeless, but everything good and true, of worth and value, comes with pain and suffering. It is all a part of living and transforming. Until then, my dear friend, “Rest, the answers are coming…”
Be brave enough to journey into your past. Not alone like you have so many times before; no, this time, journey back with God. Invite Him into your past as your guide, comforter, and healer. Ask Him for wisdom and understanding. Then, prepare yourself to forgive those who’ve wounded and harmed you. Forgiveness is pivotal. Without it, you’ll remain imprisoned and tormented.
This was the journey that I took and am still on. This is how I learned the importance of forgiveness and the value of tears. Tears are the beginning of transforming from The Unseen One to God’s Beloved One.
Over the past three decades, I have been curious to learn about the wounds I’ve suffered during my youth and formative years.
It’s not what will happen to you that will change your life, I spoke out one night of lecturing, but rather, what happened long ago has already changed your life.
The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice. It changes a child’s psyche, distorting their inner soul and eating away their future. Harsh words from mom and dad have tremendous prophetic meaning to a child.
The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice.
And because of those words, you’ve been living a different trajectory. You’re living out a life that you were not meant to live. You’re living a cursed life.
While young and innocent, most of us knowingly or perhaps unknowingly have made life-changing vows or agreements while amid abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. While eliciting powerful emotions of hate, anger, bitterness, or rage, these past hurts or wounds can conjure dark agreements with the Father of Lies.
John 8:44 says that all lies come from the Father of Lies, who is the Devil.
The devil’s strategy is to get us to make these dark vows and live from them. He uses the most important people in our lives to originate these lies. Some of these lies are:
You’re no good. You’re unloveable. You’re too ugly. You’re too fat. You’re too skinny. You’re too stupid. You’re a loser. No one will ever want you. You’ll always be a failure, etc.
And one that I heard all my life growing up was:
“What’s wrong with you?!?”
The list can be pretty long, and the voices of others soon become our voices, echoing self-deprecating and ugly curses over our hearts and minds—eating away at our future.
Unknowingly, our parents can speak the devil’s curses and lies over us at a time when we were mythical, fanciful, and magical of heart. Because children can believe the unbelievable, curses and lies become part of their identity and belief system. They end up living them out like prophecies written in ancient manuscripts. These “prophecies” direct their lives, careers, and relationships.
To bring healing to these past wounds and nullify the agreements is a path that only a few have taken. Even though freedom and wholeness are possible, many of us prefer to live in the seclusion and cover of darkness and duplicity. We’ve come too far or lived too long with our false persona; the mere thought of dismissing or exposing our poser-selves is too frightening.
So, we pose, playing hide and seek at work, home, and church. The longer we play this nightmarish game, the more hardened and sadistic we become to our wounded hearts and souls.
This process continues until we become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, and lies. Or, perhaps our drug of choice is our reputation or religiosity. Maybe we’ve masqueraded for so long that we’re lost even to ourselves!
The stress of chronic fakery is as deadly as a heart attack and a silent killer, just as hypertension and high blood pressure can kill you. Why, we’re simply a walking time bomb of contradictions, lies, and hypocrisies.
Oh, my dear friend, there is such hope, so I am writing to you. Please read on.
Isaiah has said, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” Isaiah 5:20.
Jesus said, “… And if the light you think you have is darkness, how deep that darkness is!” Matthew 6:23.
I know all about this. This was and is my life. It is both my past and my journey. There is a redeemer and a healer. He is pursuing you, not to judge you, but to redeem, heal, and restore you to who you were meant to be!
Your True Father wants you back. As the late Brennen Manning has so often quoted:
“God accepts you as you are and not as you should be. Because you’re never going to be as you should be.”
The Good News is that it’s God’s responsibility to transform you as you should be.
Transformation is not your wife’s job, boss’s, or best friend’s — it’s not your pastor’s or priest’s job or any self-help guru’s to change you. It is the job of a loving God, who’s waiting for you to call out to him; “Abba,” “Papa,” or “Daddy,” or even “Father-God.”
The only way to the Father is through the Son. And it is the Son, Jesus Christ, who’s taken upon himself all the curses and dark vows ever spoken in any language and tongue against us, so that we may be loved rather than destroyed.
Do you see this? God can make your life awesome, if you allow him to take away all the crap, hurts, wounds, and pain inside of you.
Oh, and it can be taken away! All the guilt, shame, and self-loathing—all the self-hatred and hatred of others can be removed. All the self-doubts and doubting of others, all the lost trust of self and others, and the cynical and diabolic distrust and suspicion can, and will be gone!
Just say this prayer out loud, or even in a whisper:
Dear Jesus Christ, I stand before you, exposed, scared, ashamed, and afraid. I have lived a sinful life and have hurt myself and others. I confess to you my wrongdoings, my mistakes, and my faults. I acknowledge my need for forgiveness from you and my need to forgive others. I also forgive myself for the harm that I’ve done to me. I believe in your Word of Truth and that you lived a sinless life, died on a cross of suffering because you took upon yourself all my sin, all the curses spoken over me, and all my wrongdoings. You were buried in a tomb and were raised to life on the third day, making it possible for me to be forgiven and to have a new life, new hope, and a future. I believe these things in my heart, and I confess and acknowledge them with my mouth to be saved and redeemed. I am now your true son or daughter, and I can now call you my Abba-Father as you have put your Spirit into my transformed and purified heart forever and ever. Thank you for my salvation and healing in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Now, live a new life and understand that you now belong to God as his child, and you’ve become his responsibility. He is no dead-beat-dad. He is a Mighty God, an Everlasting Father, a Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. All authority is upon his shoulders, and His Kingdom shall know no end.
Welcome home to a loving God and an incredible Savior!
The danger is to do nothing. Doing nothing is to remain in darkness and under curses and false agreements. Do something with your new life and truly live! No longer agree with the dark voices in the back of your mind. Instead, reject their curses and evil thoughts in the Name and Authority of Jesus Christ!
Give the Father of Lies an Eviction Notice and cancel all your curses!
“Be careful that no one fails to get God’s grace. Be careful that no one loses their faith and becomes like a bitter weed growing among you. Someone like that can ruin your whole group.” —Hebrews 12:15 (ERV)
A simple yet profound question from a friend has stayed with me:
“Tom, are you bitter or better?”
Life’s trials will come, but our choice determines our sense of peace. Bitterness isolates; betterness unites. By embracing God’s redemptive grace and forgiving others, we unlock a life of freedom, love, and meaningful relationships.
We are all confronted with hurt and pain from others. The choice to become bitter or better is available to all of us. The choice always comes down to two letters, the letter i or the e, b(i)tter or b(e)tter.
Bitterness is a collection of wrongs done by others, causing emotional constipation, psychological disfigurement, and spiritual disconnection from God and others.
The Holy Spirit wants to move us away from bitterness and leads us towards betterment. That is what God’s grace means here—the empowerment to avoid bitterness.
Matter of fact, the verse from Hebrews warns us to be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace and that no one loses their faith. In other words, we need to watch each others back, rather than plunging knives into them.
Bitterness is the absence of God’s grace, as it displaces his presence, his wisdom, and conviction of the Holy Spirit. A bitter person is always looking to recruit people into their cesspool of bitter complaints. If you join them you’ll get drawn into their emotional quicksand with no one to rescue you!
We become bitter only when we reject God’s grace whispered to us by the Holy Spirit, and when we follow and listen to bitter people. Bitterness is a contagion; it is contracted through casual gossip and always corrupts the mind before it rots the soul. Bitterness has destroyed marriages, families, businesses, and especially churches.
Stay with God’s Word and his distinct and clear voice. Obey the Holy Spirit and become better. If not, you’ll destroy your faith, and walk away from God and the people who truly love you!
Even if you are bitter, you can become better. According to Hebrews 12:15, the antidote against bitterness is ensuring that not one person is missing out from God’s grace. Doing that leaves little time and opportunity for bitterness to take root.
When you stab yourself and others with bitterness, you also forfeit God’s grace that could be yours.
People will love a better you, but bitterness will drive even your closest friends away. Bitterness is a pill, whereby its side effect causes loneliness and detachment. Not only between those who love you, but even within yourself. Your bitterness makes you dangerous—a danger to yourself and others.
Bitterness grows within your heart and soul, like a destructive and evasive tree root. It enters into areas it doesn’t belong, causing emotional disfigurment, and psychological damage. But its damage is reversible. There is hope and healing!
Do you want to live a better life?
Then forgive the offense of others, and you’ll live a bitter free life.
I know—I know, you’ve been terribly hurt or offended. But your bitterness puts you in competition with God. You’re actually saying, “I know better than God,” and therefore you feel justified to condemn. That’s pretty tragic, don’t you think?
But the longer you hold onto bitterness, the more impossible it is for you to forgive. The longer you wait to forgive those who’ve hurt you the further away God’s grace becomes.
I don’t want you to miss out on God’s grace, I want you free and full of life, just like you used to be. I want you to find your faith again in God and to enjoy his presence in your soul.
I want you to love and to be loved again. I want you to stop the cruelty to your heart and soul!
Don’t you see?
Bitterness is not the cure—it’s a poison! The real cure may seem impossible, but it’s the only cure that will set you free and put you on the road to recovery.
The only cure to bitterness is forgiveness. Forgiveness is even more powerful if you were to lead in it. I promise that if you do, you’ll be right as rain and feeling better and not bitter.
It’s those forgotten little memories that can change everything!
Early in 1998, my brother called and told me that my dad was dying of cancer and that dad was asking for me.
When I heard this, I was very upset. Not that my father was dying, mind you, but that he’d asked for me. I needed him all my life, and now, he’s asking for me?
“Tell Dad I’m not coming!” I replied.
I have four brothers and a sister, and they all called me, urging me to visit Dad. A week or so went by, and I finally caved into the pressure.
I first visited my dad in the Contra Costa County Hospital, as the VA in Martinez, California, was short on beds. There, he lay in a bed surrounded by adjustable rails. My younger brother, John, and my mother were present.
My mom pulled me aside to tell me the seriousness of Dad’s esophageal cancer. She said, “It doesn’t look good, I’ve researched the prognosis, and he doesn’t have much time left.” By the time I had visited my father, he’d already been battered by chemotherapy and every other treatment.
The cancer had permanently closed up his esophagus, and he could no longer swallow but was fed through a feeding tube, which was surgically inserted through the side of his abdomen and directly into his stomach. My father was so frightened; I had never seen him so fragile and helpless.
Since things did not look good for my dad, I called one of my pastors from our church in Danville, California, called East Bay Fellowship, which I was attending with my wife and kids. I asked if Pastor Allan Shrewsbury could come by and pray over my father in the hope that it would give him some comfort.
Pastor Allan quickly arrived, praying with my dad and confirming my father’s faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior.
It was getting late, and we began to ready ourselves to leave when I noticed tears filling my father’s eyes, along with the room filling with a sense of heaviness. It seemed as though this might be our last goodbye. I think the feeling of; “he may not make it through the night” hit all of us at the same time.
Compassion began to rise within my heart. I leaned over his bedrail and gently kissed my father’s unshaven face. His prickly whiskers caused my lips to tingle. My brother John leaned in and kissed our dad, as did my mom, and then we all tried to convince and reassure him that he would be fine as we slowly left the room.
As John and I walked out together towards the parking lot, my lips still tingling, I said:
“John, there is something strangely familiar about kissing dad.” I continued:
“My lips—they’re still tingling!”
John responded:
“What’s up with you, Tom? Don’t you remember when we were little kids, we’d line up in front of dad’s favorite chair and kiss him goodnight on his cheek, and he’d say with a smile,
’… Don’t let the bedbugs bite!’”
All of a sudden, good memories came flooding into my mind. That gentle kiss on my father’s unshaven face was a key to my dungeon of despair and loneliness. All my years of anger, bitterness, and hatred; all my doubts and unforgiveness, all swallowed up from the tingly whiskers of my father’s unshaven face!
After that moment, I couldn’t wait to see my father. I saw him over the next several months as often as I could.
Several weeks before my dad passed away, a nurse came into his hospital room, asking:
“Who is your executor and healthcare director?”
My father lifted his feeble arm and pointed in my direction. I turned to see if one of my two older brothers was behind me, but there was no one.
For some, this would have been an unwelcome appointment, a burden, but for me, it meant I had my father’s complete and utter trust and respect. The significance of my dad’s appointment was a paradigm shift for me, possibly one of my most life-affirming events.
Later, I learned that my father had consulted with my mother about whom he should appoint as Trustee of his estate and healthcare. My mother agreed with my dad on his final choice. My sister, Laurie, was also named co-trustee. Simply amazing!
A few weeks later, my dad’s condition was worsening. His organs were beginning to show signs of shutting down. At this point, my siblings and I would trade off, spending the night with Dad alone.
Finally, it was my turn. It was October 7, 1998. I arrived shortly after the dinner hour. A nurse brought in a cot with a blanket and a pillow for me to sleep on. My dad and I talked for quite a while, mostly about politics, which was my dad’s favorite topic. Soon, it was lights out, which never happens in a hospital.
As I lay there, realizing the significance of this moment with my dad, I knew if I didn’t say what was indeed on my heart now, that this moment would be lost forever. You see, my father had never told me that he loved me. I was thirty-nine years old, and my dad was about to turn sixty-nine the next day. I wanted so much to hear those words from him; no, I needed to hear those words from him—something in me was guiding me and granting me the courage to say what I needed to say:
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?” he replied
Dad … I love you!” I said cautiously.
Only mere seconds passed by, but it felt like years.
“… I love you too, son,” Dad replied.
I exchanged “I love you” with my dad for what seemed like all night long! I said those precious and life-giving words, which he echoed back:
“I love you too, son.”
All my hate and anger against my dad had washed away, and now for good! I heard the three most important words every son or daughter needs to hear:
“I love you, son!”
“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the LORD arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” — Malachi 4: 5-6
The days of the “curse” were finally over for me. For a greater spirit than Elijah had entered that hospital room that night. The Spirit of the Living God had softened the hearts of father and son, and the mess I had made of my life suddenly became beautiful!
“His wrath, you see, is fleeting, but His grace lasts a lifetime. The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.” — Psalms 30:5
My dad, while broken with cancer, poured into me so much life and hope, and, in such a short time! The man whom I had despised all of my life was my dad, with whom I just fell in love but who is now leaving.
The morning came, with it, a smile and a “Happy Birthday, Dad!”
It was October 8, 1998, and my father wanted to get cleaned up for his Birthday. He said:
“Tom, get my shaving bag, it’s over there, in that cabinet.”
“Here it is, Dad,” I replied.
“Okay, get my Electric Shave lotion and my razor out,” my dad directed, and then he asked:
“Son, will you shave my face?”
This may sound silly, but this was the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with my father. The whiskers that tingled my lips and softened the hardness of my heart, the mouth that finally spoke: “I love you too, son,” was the face I was about to care for and shave.
“The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”
… and I shaved my father’s face.
That is why I would not change a single moment of my life. The pain is swallowed up in the sweetness of heartfelt forgiveness and the “I love yous.” For what had become broken has now been given, and the mess of my life has now become beautiful!
Four days later, on October 12, 1998, my father passed away. At his right-hand side, I stood a restored and beloved son, loved and approved. As life was quickly draining from my dad, he looked up towards the ceiling, letting out his final breath; he smiled, his heartbeat stopped, and we wept loudly in the grief of our great loss! I then reached over his body and closed my father’s eyes.
He died my hero triumphantly and bravely; he faced death and passed from this life into the heart of God.
“Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now?” – I Corinthians 15:55
While this was both a painful and magical time for me, these events with my father were a new beginning and a paradigm shift for my present and future.
I can honestly say that God used the final moments of my father’s life to make me into a better man, a restored son, and a better father.
Letting my anger for my father go allowed love to come bursting in. Becoming my father’s beloved son made it possible for me to believe I could be God’s beloved son, too.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’ll see you in heaven. I love you, dad!
Call To Courage 