Abba’s Child – By Thomas J. Koester

Sometimes, it’s the simple prayer of a desperate heart that changes everything!

I know my Heavenly Father has me where he wants me, in his capable hands. But sometimes I forget. It’s not always easy to place my life and my prayers into his hands. When the struggling is over, and I rest in who he is, I find peace and the assurance that he hears my prayers.

I can, and do, at times, recount the prayers in which he’s answered. Since, in most times, my prayers are about major issues, they indeed are worth remembering and thanking him all over again. But those desperate, little prayers are just as meaningful too and worth remembering.

This is why the first word His Holy Spirit teaches us to say is “Abba Father,” which actually means “poppa,” or “da-da” in Hebrew. He wants that kind of trust and familiarity from us. The God of All Creation invites us to call out to him as an infant, frail, dependent, and trusting.

My favorite title in all the world is “Daddy.” It was my precious daughter, Tessa, who’d call me daddy, while my boys would call me dad or pops. Daddy is the title that would melt my heart and soften my face.

I truly believe that our Heavenly Father loves us to call him “daddy,” “poppa,” or even “da-da.” I think he wants to hear that name and title from you. I believe that Abba may be God’s favorite name.

One lonely and rainy morning, I was traveling to Castro Valley, California, for work. It was 5:30 a.m., still dark, as I was approaching Vasco Road in Brentwood. I had been prayerless for weeks, as I had drifted away from God. I desperately wanted to pray, but I had lost my words and was filled with shame.

I remembered a simple prayer that I read in a book by Brennan Manning, titled: “Abba’s Child” – The Cry of The Heart For Intimate Belonging.

I began reciting the words:

“Abba-Father, I belong to you—Abba-Father, I belong to you!”

Over and over again, this prayer bubbled up from my desperate and lonely heart.

With the rain pounding my windshield, tears began streaming down my face, making it harder to see.

With more than a few dozen cars ahead of me, I came to a stop at the dreaded lighted intersection of Camino Diablo and Vasco Road. While traffic was inching along, I kept desperately praying that simply prayer, “Abba-Father, I belong to you.”

In my desperatness, I added, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine, his banner over me is love,” taken from the Old Testament book, Songs of Songs.

I finally made it to the intersection, as one by one, each car negotiated their turns. The rain still pouring down, I completed my turn onto Vasco Road, heading towards Livermore to catch HWY 580, still crying and praying with all my heart.

As soon as my headlights illuminated the car in front of me, their license plate frame brightly reflected to me the following words:

“ABBA’S CHILD.”

I had to wipe my eyes, just to confirm what I was seeing was real! My heart became instantly alive again. My soul began to soar! I heard God, loud and clear, in the depths of my heart and with my own eyes!

God had heard my simple but desperate prayer. He reminded me in that moment at Camino Diablo and Vasco Road that I am still his child.

I am Abba’s Child! God’s miraculous reminder changed me in an instant and restored my soul!

God hears our prayers! Even when we’ve brushed him off or drifted far away from him. Abba-God rushes back at the sound of our cries—at the sound of our awkward prayers, he comes back into our lives just as a real daddy does.

I ask you to look at the photo below and imagine yourself in Abba’s embrace. Now, release your fears, worries, concerns; your sicknesses, and diseases; your loss of love or marriage; your suffering and finances, and all your loneliness and let it all go into Abba-God’s strong and sure embrace. Take a deep breath, relax—let it go, he can handle it all.

“The steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord, And He delights in his way [and blesses his path]. When he falls, he will not be hurled down because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.” –Psalm 37:23-24 Amplified Bible

Do you see? You belong to him, as a legitimate son or daughter—you’re his responsibility.

Now thank him and sleep well tonight, and when you wake up, remind yourself of this little prayer:

“Abba Father, I belong to you—Abba Father, I belong to you.” I am my beloved’s, and he is mine; his banner over me is love. Amen

The Fatherless Male – Women’s Desire For Real Men – By Thomas J. Koester

“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”

My son Jordan and I listened to several of John Eldredge’s podcasts on the way down to Bakersfield a few years ago. We talked about how good It would be if we could get a weekend retreat scheduled to help men and boys with their brokenness and father hunger.

One thing that Jordan and I have learned in hosting many retreats in the past, is that if a man is to be healed from the father wound, or to draw closer to the heart of God, going to the mountains and spending a little time away from the familiar and from responsibilities provides an excellent environment to find clarity and healing.

There is a clear biblical mandate in scriptures for fathers and sons to turn their hearts towards each other, as written in Malachi 4:5-6 and in Luke 1:17.

Did you know that God closes the Old Testament with Fathers turning their hearts towards their sons, Malachi 4:5-6, and then opens the New Testament with the same message in Luke 1:17? As a matter of fact, a broken and wounded relationship between fathers and sons leads to a cursed life. In turn, a cursed life causes the wounded sons of Adam to detest and avoid the Father Heart of God. And, like Adam, we are driven away from God and cover our nakedness (shame) with a false life and endless pursuits of Eve (the woman).

Eve becomes a surrogate; a pseudo-god in place of the Father Heart of God. Her comfort replaces the comfort from Father God, and her beauty replaces the glory of God. So, man sees his reflection in the woman rather than in God. He grades himself and his masculinity in the responses and opinions he receives from women.

I find it interesting that God created Adam apart from Eve. God walked with Adam for some time before he created and presented the woman to him. If a man is to walk with God; if he is to be fathered by God, he must let go of Eve. He must cease his pursuit for her comfort; for her beauty, and her maternal instinct to satisfy his father hunger.

A woman can not bestow masculinity, nor can her maternal instinct heal the wounded masculine soul. He is father-famished, and mothering this type of wound will further emasculate him, extending his adolescence years and perhaps decades beyond the stage of normal boyhood.

Read the following short conversation between Nullah, a little half breed Aboriginal boy, and Drover, an Australian cattle driver from the movie Australia:

Nullah: You a man, Drover?

Drover: Yeah, I try to be.

Nullah: Sometimes man got to get away from woman.

Drover: Maybe.

Nullah: That’s why you go droving.

Drover: I go droving ’cause that’s my job.

Nullah: If you don’t go droving, you not a man.

Young Nullah has learned from his grandfather, King George, an old Aboriginal man that a boy can not become a man until he leaves his mother and completes his walkabout into the wilderness.

Drover, played by Hugh Jackman, later explains to Lady Sarah Ashley, played by Nicole Kidman, that Nullah needs to go on walkabout and that without ceremony (walkabout) the boy will have no love in his heart, he’ll have nothing; no dreaming, no story, and no country.

And this is the problem with our culture. Boys do not, in a healthy way, detach from the woman, which should be initiated by the father’s invitation. The ceremony between father and son never happens, and so, the son remains a boy with no love in his heart, no dreaming, no story, and no country or belonging. As a matter of fact, for far too many boys, there is no father to speak of. And so, men awkwardly and inappropriately remain attached to the woman as mother rather than as an equal. Romance becomes incestuous and confusing, as men become seekers of mothers rather than partners.

I have firsthand experience with this. You see, I lived a parent-child relationship for the first fifteen years of my marriage to Toni. It was a wise counselor, Jim Matthews, who pointed this out to Toni and I during a crisis therapy session. Oddly, Toni was the mother I’d always wanted, and I was the son she wanted to fix and mother. I was terribly unfathered and a broken man. We almost lost our marriage many times throughout those first fifteen years.

At one point, Toni stepped out in faith and ceased mothering me, which allowed me to fail or succeed until I became the man she needed and deserved. Without my wife acting as my mother, I had to grow up, or I’d lose my family of three sons and one daughter. My legacy and my children’s future were at stake.

In a miraculous way, and due to the courage of my wife, I became the man, husband, and father my family needed and deserved. This is why I have written this article, to tell others that change is possible, even in the most damaged life or marriage, there is hope and healing. My good friends, Dustin Scott Guerrero and his wife Angie Orlando-Guerrero also have an amazing and beautiful story of healing and restoration that is powerful and inspiring. Their’s is the kind of story that would make an amazing Hollywood movie!

You see, a real woman does not want a grown man to follow her around like a lost boy or puppy. When the cuteness wears off, she awkwardly becomes a mother, rather than a lover of a true man. Relationships become difficult when a man can not give, but is in contestant need to receive.

A man must detach from Eve in order to become attached to the Father Heart of God. Without a father in the life of a boy, the boy becomes lost and wounded. When the boy ages into adulthood, without initiation and ceremony, he hides his unfathered and boyish heart with the fig leaves of false masculinity and posing.

Wounded boys and men like this need healing. Jordan and I have witnessed the miracle of healing and restoration of men’s hearts to the Father Heart of God in the space of a few days. God can and does heal by just one word. After all, did not God speak the world into existence by the Word of his power?

“For He spoke, and all things came into being. A single command from His lips and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.” –Psalms 33:9

“His Son is the radiance of his glory, the very image of his substance, and upholding all things by the word of his power, when he had by himself purified us of our sins, sat down on the right hand of the Majesty on high…” –Hebrews 1:3

Yes, God can do a miracle in a man’s soul with one word!

Also, do you see the connection between “His Son is the radiance of his glory,” and “you, being, or becoming His son,” reflecting his radiance? This is something that only the Father-God can do. This is not the woman’s place or role in a man’s life.

A real woman desires a real man. However, so many women have settled for boys trapped inside the body of a man and so become mothers. This cycle repeats itself over and over again. Women searching for real men and real men searching for real women, but finding only the adolescent forms of what whole men and women should be. Only God can stop this cycle, and it starts with the healing of father wounds in the hearts of men and women.

The enemy has spoken words of power also, and so stricken and wounded the hearts of people by using wounded fathers and mothers, too, to wound the heart and soul of their offspring. Thus perpetuating cursed boys and girls, which grow up with insatiable (impossible to satisfying) desires, or appetites for sex and drugs, or eating disorders. The hole is a God sized hole, which only his wholeness can fill. But since many significant wounds originate with the father or mother, they are driven away from the Father Heart of God and the nurturing and maternal presence of the Holy Spirit.

John Eldredge, author and speaker, wrote the following:

“A wound that is not wept for is a wound, which can not be healed.”

And so, we live a life without tears, without compassion and love for our own wounded hearts and souls. We all die silently while God has delivered to us our only remedy, that is, Jesus Christ.

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” said Jesus –John 14:6.

The Father is the principal destination, and the Son is the vehicle, or passage way to the heart of Abba-God. (Abba is Hebrew for: Papa or Da-da, an endearing term for Father).

“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” –Romans 8:15

“Because you are now part of God’s family, He sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts; and the Spirit calls out, “Abba, Father.” –Galatians 4:6

For those who have the Water of Life, start watering. For those of you, my dear friends, and those whom I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting, drink deeply from the Water of Life, and you will never go thirsty again.

Jesus said, “… Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” –John 4:14

If you want to hear more about this amazing Water and the Father Heart of God, message me, or ask for it from others who are drinking from this Well of Life and who are acquainted with the Abba of Jesus.

Don’t remain in slavery, and do not give into fear, but receive the Spirit of Life, of adoption into the family of God — into the Father-Heart of God.

Do not silently hide, or dismiss your heart, become the man you were meant to become, and simply pray and ask God to father you in the way you should go, and you will find peace and wholeness.

Our God is no deadbeat, Dad, but the Everlasting Father, Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, and the Prince of Peace! –Isaiah 9:6

Becoming a true and whole man is what every real woman desires — she’s after the authentic you!

God, Sex, and Confused Christianity By Thomas J. Koester

A few years ago, a Christian brother approached me and confessed that he was in a relationship with a married woman for the past two years.

He went on and told me the woman was unhappy in her marriage and that he and this woman were in love. The real shock came after he told me that he had spoken to his pastor about this relationship. Under full disclosure, he had asked the pastor if he should continue with the relationship, and the pastor’s reply:

“Well, let me pray about this and get back to you.”

Scripture is quite clear as to the answer of my friend’s question and confusion.

Why are so many Christians practicing sexual fornication, adultery, and other destructive lifestyles unchecked and unchallenged by churches and pastors?

Why are so many Churches and pastors so outspoken against homosexuality, yet tolerate their congregation’s practices of heterosexual sins and adultery?

Sexuality is sacred and purposed filled and is sanctioned only in the bonds of marriage between a man and a woman. Yet, even Christianity is progressively easing back from the sacredness of sexuality and marriage. And, it is creating excuses and confusion by its silence towards the biblical view of sexuality and its sacredness.

I guess it’s more profitable to be silent as a pastor regarding sexual sins than to preach God’s Word and truth as it relates to the sacredness of true sexuality. Christianity has created within itself a sin-dependent class and a sin tolerant class of Christians. I think many pastors and church boards believe that if pastors and teachers preached the biblical truth on sexuality their church attendance and tithing would rapidly decline.

And so, many churches and Christian leaders across this nation are flirting with the development of a hybrid-Christian world view of sexuality and political/religious correctness. Thus, mixing two world views to increase their fame and fortunes. I sincerely wish it were not so!

You can not use post-fallen man as a template of God’s ordination for the sacred. Only in Christ is man/woman restored, body, mind, and spirit. Either his/her mind is transformed or it is not. Our identity is not our sin, nor is it our sexual proclivities. Our identity and sexual orientation is redeemed and cleansed, and so we must cease from sin through the power of God’s grace and the blood of Christ Jesus, his Son.

Therefore, one cannot be a Christian and be homosexual, bisexual, transgender or transvestite in thought or in deed. Nor can one be a Christian and live a lifestyle of unchecked fornication and adultery. For Christ not only fulfilled all the law, but changed the direction of the law to inwardly, making even our hearts and minds the territory of His Holy Presence and Kingdom.

Sexual purity is a necessity and is not an option! Even so, God is full of grace and mercy. Only do not use his grace and mercy as a crutch.

The sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit transforms and conforms us, even those with homosexual thoughts and feelings, into the attitude and image of Christ, the perfect man. It is a cooperative relationship between the Spirit of Christ and the spirit of man, and it is not an easy process. It is at times messy and wrought with failure and setbacks, but God’s grace is not only his goodness, but more so, his enabling power of transformation and aid in our times of need.

The Spirit of Grace does not leave us in our sin and with our proclivities, nor leaves us subjugated to its strongholds of thoughts and imaginations, but rather delivers us from evil.

Yes, race, sex and gender are sacred and ordained by God as he originally created them to be. But not what sin has devolved or distorted it into.

Do not equate the plight of racism with sexual orientation or gender confusion. Even if gender confusion and homosexuality happens in the womb or is a result of early childhood environmental development, it does not make it sacred, but rather the results of the original fall and rebellion of man.

We are all born into sin, and none are innocent. Whether one is born heterosexual or chooses to be homosexual, we are all in need of a Redeemer and utterly lost and hopeless without Christ. The power of the Gospel is good news to both the outer and inner life of all people. None are left out or excluded from salvation and redemption in Christ. In God, there is no favoritism; nor racism; nor sexism. He is the God of all and has all the power to transform any sinner and of any sexual orientation.

Even though God originally created man heterosexual, the fall of the heterosexual man and his sexual promiscuity is just as vile as the sexual actions of homosexuality. The promiscuity of one is met with the same consequences as that of the other.

God ordained man and woman to be one. Anything beyond this is outside of God’s ordination and is subject to the laws of sin and death, for both the heterosexual and homosexual.

Christ is the hope of all peoples of the earth, and none are excluded from his saving power, except only those who refuse to believe and obey.

“Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God.” –Romans 12:2 World English Bible (WEB)

Don’t be confused, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, thoughts, and imaginations.

A life without standards is a life without value. A valueless life is a life without real love. Don’t be that person that cheapens love for sex—don’t do as the world does, but rather do what’s right, true and pure. Value your sexuality and the sexuality of others. Honor God with your body, and do not be confused!

The Cancellation of All Curses – By Thomas J. Koester

Over the past three decades, I have been curious to learn about the wounds I’ve suffered during my youth and formative years.

It’s not what will happen to you that will change your life, I spoke out one night of lecturing, but rather, what happened long ago has already changed your life.

The words we speak or shout at our children forever become their inner voice. It changes a child’s psyche, distorting their inner soul and eating away their future. Harsh words from mom and dad have tremendous prophetic meaning to a child.

And because of those words, you’ve been living a different trajectory. You’re living out a life that you were not meant to live. You’re living a cursed life.

While young and innocent, most of us knowingly or perhaps unknowingly have made life-changing vows or agreements while amid abuse, whether emotional, psychological, or physical. While eliciting powerful emotions of hate, anger, bitterness, or rage, these past hurts or wounds can conjure dark agreements with the Father of Lies.

John 8:44 says that all lies come from the Father of Lies, who is the Devil.

The devil’s strategy is to get us to make these dark vows and live from them. He uses the most important people in our lives to originate these lies. Some of these lies are:

You’re no good.
You’re unloveable.
You’re too ugly.
You’re too fat.
You’re too skinny.
You’re too stupid.
You’re a loser.
No one will ever want you.
You’ll always be a failure, etc.

And one that I heard all my life growing up was:

“What’s wrong with you?!?”

The list can be pretty long, and the voices of others soon become our voices, echoing self-deprecating and ugly curses over our hearts and minds—eating away at our future.

Unknowingly, our parents can speak the devil’s curses and lies over us at a time when we were mythical, fanciful, and magical of heart. Because children can believe the unbelievable, curses and lies become part of their identity and belief system. They end up living them out like prophecies written in ancient manuscripts. These “prophecies” direct their lives, careers, and relationships.

To bring healing to these past wounds and nullify the agreements is a path that only a few have taken. Even though freedom and wholeness are possible, many of us prefer to live in the seclusion and cover of darkness and duplicity. We’ve come too far or lived too long with our false persona; the mere thought of dismissing or exposing our poser-selves is too frightening.

So, we pose, playing hide and seek at work, home, and church. The longer we play this nightmarish game, the more hardened and sadistic we become to our wounded hearts and souls.

This process continues until we become addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, and lies. Or, perhaps our drug of choice is our reputation or religiosity. Maybe we’ve masqueraded for so long that we’re lost even to ourselves!

The stress of chronic fakery is as deadly as a heart attack and a silent killer, just as hypertension and high blood pressure can kill you. Why, we’re simply a walking time bomb of contradictions, lies, and hypocrisies.

Oh, my dear friend, there is such hope, so I am writing to you. Please read on.

Isaiah has said, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.” Isaiah 5:20.

Jesus said, “… And if the light you think you have is darkness, how deep that darkness is!” Matthew 6:23.

I know all about this. This was and is my life. It is both my past and my journey. There is a redeemer and a healer. He is pursuing you, not to judge you, but to redeem, heal, and restore you to who you were meant to be!

Your True Father wants you back. As the late Brennen Manning has so often quoted:

“God accepts you as you are and not as you should be. Because you’re never going to be as you should be.”

The Good News is that it’s God’s responsibility to transform you as you should be.

Transformation is not your wife’s job, boss’s, or best friend’s — it’s not your pastor’s or priest’s job or any self-help guru’s to change you. It is the job of a loving God, who’s waiting for you to call out to him; “Abba,” “Papa,” or “Daddy,” or even “Father-God.”

The only way to the Father is through the Son. And it is the Son, Jesus Christ, who’s taken upon himself all the curses and dark vows ever spoken in any language and tongue against us, so that we may be loved rather than destroyed.

Do you see this? God can make your life awesome, if you allow him to take away all the crap, hurts, wounds, and pain inside of you.

Oh, and it can be taken away! All the guilt, shame, and self-loathing—all the self-hatred and hatred of others can be removed. All the self-doubts and doubting of others, all the lost trust of self and others, and the cynical and diabolic distrust and suspicion can, and will be gone!

Just say this prayer out loud, or even in a whisper:

Dear Jesus Christ, I stand before you, exposed, scared, ashamed, and afraid. I have lived a sinful life and have hurt myself and others. I confess to you my wrongdoings, my mistakes, and my faults. I acknowledge my need for forgiveness from you and my need to forgive others. I also forgive myself for the harm that I’ve done to me. I believe in your Word of Truth and that you lived a sinless life, died on a cross of suffering because you took upon yourself all my sin, all the curses spoken over me, and all my wrongdoings. You were buried in a tomb and were raised to life on the third day, making it possible for me to be forgiven and to have a new life, new hope, and a future. I believe these things in my heart, and I confess and acknowledge them with my mouth to be saved and redeemed. I am now your true son or daughter, and I can now call you my Abba-Father as you have put your Spirit into my transformed and purified heart forever and ever. Thank you for my salvation and healing in the Name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Now, live a new life and understand that you now belong to God as his child, and you’ve become his responsibility. He is no dead-beat-dad. He is a Mighty God, an Everlasting Father, a Wonderful Counselor, and the Prince of Peace. All authority is upon his shoulders, and His Kingdom shall know no end.

Welcome home to a loving God and an incredible Savior!

The danger is to do nothing. Doing nothing is to remain in darkness and under curses and false agreements. Do something with your new life and truly live! No longer agree with the dark voices in the back of your mind. Instead, reject their curses and evil thoughts in the Name and Authority of Jesus Christ!

Give the Father of Lies an Eviction Notice and cancel all your curses!

Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite! – By Thomas J. Koester

It’s those forgotten little memories that can change everything!

Early in 1998, my brother called and told me that my dad was dying of cancer and that dad was asking for me.

When I heard this, I was very upset. Not that my father was dying, mind you, but that he’d asked for me. I needed him all my life, and now, he’s asking for me?

“Tell Dad I’m not coming!” I replied.

I have four brothers and a sister, and they all called me, urging me to visit Dad. A week or so went by, and I finally caved into the pressure.

I first visited my dad in the Contra Costa County Hospital, as the VA in Martinez, California, was short on beds. There, he lay in a bed surrounded by adjustable rails. My younger brother, John, and my mother were present.

My mom pulled me aside to tell me the seriousness of Dad’s esophageal cancer. She said, “It doesn’t look good, I’ve researched the prognosis, and he doesn’t have much time left.” By the time I had visited my father, he’d already been battered by chemotherapy and every other treatment.

The cancer had permanently closed up his esophagus, and he could no longer swallow but was fed through a feeding tube, which was surgically inserted through the side of his abdomen and directly into his stomach. My father was so frightened; I had never seen him so fragile and helpless.

Since things did not look good for my dad, I called one of my pastors from our church in Danville, California, called East Bay Fellowship, which I was attending with my wife and kids. I asked if Pastor Allan Shrewsbury could come by and pray over my father in the hope that it would give him some comfort.

Pastor Allan quickly arrived, praying with my dad and confirming my father’s faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his Savior.

It was getting late, and we began to ready ourselves to leave when I noticed tears filling my father’s eyes, along with the room filling with a sense of heaviness. It seemed as though this might be our last goodbye. I think the feeling of; “he may not make it through the night” hit all of us at the same time.

Compassion began to rise within my heart. I leaned over his bedrail and gently kissed my father’s unshaven face. His prickly whiskers caused my lips to tingle. My brother John leaned in and kissed our dad, as did my mom, and then we all tried to convince and reassure him that he would be fine as we slowly left the room.

As John and I walked out together towards the parking lot, my lips still tingling, I said:

“John, there is something strangely familiar about kissing dad.”
I continued:

“My lips—they’re still tingling!”

John responded:

“What’s up with you, Tom? Don’t you remember when we were little kids, we’d line up in front of dad’s favorite chair and kiss him goodnight on his cheek, and he’d say with a smile,

’… Don’t let the bedbugs bite!’”

All of a sudden, good memories came flooding into my mind. That gentle kiss on my father’s unshaven face was a key to my dungeon of despair and loneliness. All my years of anger, bitterness, and hatred; all my doubts and unforgiveness, all swallowed up from the tingly whiskers of my father’s unshaven face!

After that moment, I couldn’t wait to see my father. I saw him over the next several months as often as I could.

Several weeks before my dad passed away, a nurse came into his hospital room, asking:

“Who is your executor and healthcare director?”

My father lifted his feeble arm and pointed in my direction. I turned to see if one of my two older brothers was behind me, but there was no one.

For some, this would have been an unwelcome appointment, a burden, but for me, it meant I had my father’s complete and utter trust and respect. The significance of my dad’s appointment was a paradigm shift for me, possibly one of my most life-affirming events.

Later, I learned that my father had consulted with my mother about whom he should appoint as Trustee of his estate and healthcare. My mother agreed with my dad on his final choice. My sister, Laurie, was also named co-trustee. Simply amazing!

A few weeks later, my dad’s condition was worsening. His organs were beginning to show signs of shutting down. At this point, my siblings and I would trade off, spending the night with Dad alone.

Finally, it was my turn. It was October 7, 1998. I arrived shortly after the dinner hour. A nurse brought in a cot with a blanket and a pillow for me to sleep on. My dad and I talked for quite a while, mostly about politics, which was my dad’s favorite topic. Soon, it was lights out, which never happens in a hospital.

As I lay there, realizing the significance of this moment with my dad, I knew if I didn’t say what was indeed on my heart now, that this moment would be lost forever. You see, my father had never told me that he loved me. I was thirty-nine years old, and my dad was about to turn sixty-nine the next day. I wanted so much to hear those words from him; no, I needed to hear those words from him—something in me was guiding me and granting me the courage to say what I needed to say:

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?” he replied

Dad … I love you!” I said cautiously.

Only mere seconds passed by, but it felt like years.

“… I love you too, son,” Dad replied.

I exchanged “I love you” with my dad for what seemed like all night long! I said those precious and life-giving words, which he echoed back:

“I love you too, son.”

All my hate and anger against my dad had washed away, and now for good! I heard the three most important words every son or daughter needs to hear:

“I love you, son!”

“Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the LORD arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” — Malachi 4: 5-6

The days of the “curse” were finally over for me. For a greater spirit than Elijah had entered that hospital room that night. The Spirit of the Living God had softened the hearts of father and son, and the mess I had made of my life suddenly became beautiful!

“His wrath, you see, is
fleeting, but His grace
lasts a lifetime. The
deepest pains may linger
through the night, but joy
greets the soul with the
smile of morning.” — Psalms 30:5

My dad, while broken with cancer, poured into me so much life and hope, and, in such a short time! The man whom I had despised all of my life was my dad, with whom I just fell in love but who is now leaving.

The morning came, with it, a smile and a “Happy Birthday, Dad!”

It was October 8, 1998, and my father wanted to get cleaned up for his Birthday. He said:

“Tom, get my shaving bag, it’s over there, in that cabinet.”

“Here it is, Dad,” I replied.

“Okay, get my Electric Shave lotion and my razor out,” my dad directed, and then he asked:

“Son, will you shave my face?”

This may sound silly, but this was the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with my father. The whiskers that tingled my lips and softened the hardness of my heart, the mouth that finally spoke: “I love you too, son,” was the face I was about to care for and shave.

“The deepest pains may linger through the night, but joy greets the soul with the smile of morning.”

… and I shaved my father’s face.

That is why I would not change a single moment of my life. The pain is swallowed up in the sweetness of heartfelt forgiveness and the “I love yous.” For what had become broken has now been given, and the mess of my life has now become beautiful!

Four days later, on October 12, 1998, my father passed away. At his right-hand side, I stood a restored and beloved son, loved and approved. As life was quickly draining from my dad, he looked up towards the ceiling, letting out his final breath; he smiled, his heartbeat stopped, and we wept loudly in the grief of our great loss! I then reached over his body and closed my father’s eyes.

He died my hero triumphantly and bravely; he faced death and passed from this life into the heart of God.

“Death swallowed by triumphant
Life! Who got the last word? Oh, Death, who’s afraid of
you now?” – I Corinthians 15:55

While this was both a painful and magical time for me, these events with my father were a new beginning and a paradigm shift for my present and future.

I can honestly say that God used the final moments of my father’s life to make me into a better man, a restored son, and a better father.

Letting my anger for my father go allowed love to come bursting in. Becoming my father’s beloved son made it possible for me to believe I could be God’s beloved son, too.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. I’ll see you in heaven. I love you, dad!

The World Without Light & The Enchanted Chair – By Thomas J. Koester

Somebody hit the dimmer switch in the Church on the hill, and I think we all know who that “somebody” is.

“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” – 1 John 2:15

… And so, for worldly lovers—it’s lights out!

The light of the Gospel shining brightly from your inner life must be fueled by a fierce and unquenchable love for God and others. This light, filtered through your brokenness, will displace enough darkness for the blind to see.

I’m not speaking of physical blindness, mind you, but that of spiritual blindness.

“In whom the god of this world has blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine to them.” – 2 Corinthians 4:4

“Although your people live in darkness, they will see a bright light. Although they live in the shadow of death, a light will shine on them.” – Matthew 4:16

We who call ourselves by God’s name must shine like beacons as the daylight is dimming and darkness is coming.

“You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of people who are crooked and stubborn. Shine out among them like beacon lights…” – Philippians 2:15

Can a nation be darkened in a day? Can the brightly lit torch of freedom be snuffed out without notice?

Yes, it happened while we were asleep in the light. All the while, consuming “Turkish Delights” and worshiping false gods and false teachers while sitting in enchanted chairs of passivity.

In the sixth book of C.S. Lewis’, The Chronicles of Narnia, titled, “Silver Chair,” the witch had placed a curse on the silver chair, so that when anyone sat on the chair they’d fall under the chair’s enchantment.

The Silver Chair was a magical device constructed by the Queen of Underland (also known as the Lady of the Green Kirtle), designed to keep Prince Rilian bound to a cursed enchantment…

“Every night, Rilian sat down on the chair to renew the manipulative magic. It made him susceptible to the witch’s lies and caused him to forget who he truly was.”

I think this is what’s happened to much of Western Christianity; we’ve become enchanted by worldliness, which has made us susceptible to the devil’s lies, and so, have forgotten who we truly are. And our forgettablness has ushered the world into darkness.

The Church was never to be about the “church,” but about Christ for the Nations, burning brightly as the light of God’s love and power over darkness. We were never meant to be bound to chairs, orbiting cathedrals, separated by a great divide between the clergy and the laity.

We’ve lost our place of influence because we’ve lost our identity, and in losing that, we’ve lost our mission! We have lost our identity because we’ve exchanged our First Love for second-hand worldliness. We have purchased the lie that if we look like the world, the world will come to us. How utterly foolish!

“If you belonged to the world, its people would love you. But you don’t belong to the world. I have chosen you to leave the world behind, and this is why its people hate you.” – John 15:19

Many Churches look so much like the world they have little to offer except a Savior without saving, a Lord without lordship, and a king without a kingdom. Who’d want to follow after that?

Somebody hit the dimmer switch in the Church on the hill, and I think we all know who that “somebody” is.

Our churches need to do what Motel 6 has done successfully over the decades:

“We’ll leave the light on for you.”

We need to rekindle our first love into a firestorm, recapturing God’s intended glory for the Church. Even our lives must reflect the glory of Christ and his good news! If you and I can do this, maybe we can light up the world again!

Beautifully Broken – By Thomas J. Koester

What stands between many of us and the life we’re supposed to live is our ability to bullshit.

No, this is not a treatise on global warming or climate change or the negative impact of cow flatulence on our environment—far from it!

This is about fleeing pretense and duplicity and becoming the real you. It’s about breaking down the fake areas in our lives and being honest with ourselves and others.

Wholeness can only be achieved by utter and complete brokenness. This is a universal principle. This is also the opposite of what the world thinks.

I like what Jerry Maguire said in his moment of a breakthrough:

“… Two nights later in Miami at our corporate conference, a breakthrough. Breakdown? Breakthrough. It was the oddest, most unexpected thing. I began writing what they call a mission statement for my company. You know—a Mission Statement—a suggestion for the future. What started out as one page became twenty-five.

Suddenly, I was my father’s son. I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job, how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my players performs well on the field… And suddenly, it was all pretty clear. The answer was fewer clients. Caring for them, caring for ourselves, and the games, too. Starting our lives, really. Hey, I’ll be the first to admit it. What I was writing was somewhat “touchy-feely.” I didn’t care. I had lost the ability to bullshit. It was the me I’d always wanted to be.” —The Movie “Jerry Maguire”

You see a breakthrough, I mean, the kind of breakthrough we know we really need is always preceded by a breakdown. And, when we lose—no, rather, when we refuse to bullshit ourselves and others, we’ll become the people that we’ve always wanted to be.

You’re divinely purposed to become a living act of God’s love and glory. You can’t become what your Creator has intended until you surrender your own mess. That is, your constant self-effort to holding the broken pieces of your life together. Living in fear and dread that your secret life will be exposed at any moment to a live audience.

Living life on constant defense and acting co-dependently, or as a self-enabler, justifying the actions of your false self at the expense of your true self. This is the definition of what I’m referring to as a “mess.”

You can not become assembled in body, mind, and spirit, all the while holding everything together. You are robbing yourself of the very strength and energy you need by wasting it on supporting your falseness and phony facade. Stop being driven by voices inside your head, echoing the curses from your mother or father, or from the other significant persons in your life.

These curses are the voices of “false coaches,” driving you to repeat a cycle of self-destruction and family dysfunction. These curses are carcinogenic to your desire for wholeness and wellness. They are the cancerous agents eating away at the divine purpose for which God has created you.

“Gloria Dei est vivens homo,” wrote Saint Irenaeus, which means:

“The glory of God is a living man.”

The glory of God is you fully living, and not your daily self-destruction and learned dysfunction.

In the human body, you can not build muscle without first tearing down the muscle you have. Tearing down the muscle requires a determination to submit to the pain and deny yourself comfort. Likewise, you must have a willing determination to submit your very life and comforts to God.

James says it this way:

4-6 “You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”

7-10 So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God, and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.” —James 4:6-10 (MSG)

Pride is self-destruction, low esteem, self-loathing, and such, is what’s been behind your self-effort of “holding it all together.” This is why pride always precedes a profound fall. There is nothing good in this kind of a fall because it’s always a fall from grace and not towards it.

Do you want God’s grace? Become truly humble. Oh yes, it is painful to stop your self-salvation and accept the truth, and act on it. But the light, which will come flooding into your darkness, will bring the wholeness and wellness you’ve been searching for.

The problem with bullshit is that it is no respecter of person, race, religion, or age—it flows from all of us! Far too many of us hide behind B.S.

“Men love darkness, rather than light,” this is true. But you can not become the man or woman you were meant to become all the while remaining in darkness. Just as painful as it is to build muscle, is it painful at first to step out from darkness into God’s marvelous light!

The gain from the pain of coming into the light is worth the life of wholeness and holiness.

Did you know that embracing your brokenness rather than hiding it will cause collateral beauty?

There may be a divine and strategic purpose behind your brokenness that, when shared with others, may cause a chain reaction of hope and healing in you and in them.

At this very moment, you’re standing at a crossroad—at a turning point; your next decision can create a paradigm shift of unprecedented emotional and spiritual change.

“The Lord said to his people…

“’You are standing at the crossroads. So consider your path. Ask where the old, reliable paths are. Ask where the path is that leads to blessing and follow it. If you do, you will find rest for your souls. But they said, ‘We will not follow it!’” —Jeremiah 6:16 (NET)

Stop hanging out with the “We will not follow it” crowd!

You no longer belong to the crowd who refuse to follow the right path.

Stop staring at the crossroad in front of you and follow the right path. Stop saving yourself and fall into the grace, mercy, and love of God, and you will become the man or woman you’ve always wanted to be. After all, God put the desire to be his love and glory in you so that you may be fully living, fully alive to a world content with dying and taking you with it.

A breakdown is always before a breakthrough. God is waiting if you are willing. Open up to God or find a trusted friend to help lead you to God’s grace.

God can turn the ugliness of your brokenness into something beautiful!

May I be honest and a bit crass?

… It’s my prayer that you’ll lose your ability to “bullshit!” – Amen

You’ll Not Find Me There – By Thomas Koester

I’m not in your work, so why do you lose yourself there?

The Barna Group and USA Today have estimated that 3,500 people walk away from church each day. Of these dechurched people, 80% are from the age group of 14-33.

It’s interesting that the single greatest issue reported by these people walking away from the Church is due to a lack of connectedness.

What does this mean?

It may mean that while people are looking for spiritual connectedness, our youth are not finding it in Church! So, they leave the organized Church looking for God elsewhere. Is it possible that in many churches today, God is not there?

I remember several years ago, Toni and I visited a church in Sonora, California. For the City of Sonora, it was considered one of the largest churches. We walked in and then later out of the church without any welcome or introduction. On our way to our car, I asked Toni,

“Honey, do you think we’re invisible?”

We then visited another church in Sonora and were ambushed by teens and adults with hands held out and warm greetings. Afterward, several people were genuinely interested in us. At one touching moment, a young man introduced himself and offered to pray over my back, as he noticed the pain I was in from a recent collision with a Hummer on Interstate HWY-4.

The stark difference between these two churches we visited, while anecdotal, seems to jive with the Barna Group’s study.

Needless to say, we joined the Church where we not only felt connected but became vital to that body of believers. In other words, the people there took the time to know us, understand our spiritual gifts, and, so, plugged us in to serve.

So, I want to tell my estranged fellow believers, “Don’t give up on the Church and find God there.” Like in most things and in many people there are good ones and not so good ones. Keep searching until you find a church you can call family and become vitality connected and useful.

Complacency and apathy do not belong in God’s people and in His Church. Yet, for many churches, their lack of utilizing people’s spiritual gifts breeds complacency and apathy. And so, sadly, many people become church dropouts.

Your spiritual gifts matter, and never settle for you or the gifts that God gave you to be benched or shelved. Your spiritual vitality and health are important to God and in the right Church also. Be humble and patient with God’s spiritual gifts, but also be wise and discerning.

So, to my dechurched brothers and sisters, I want to challenge and invite you back to God. To tell you that Jesus is there, where He said He would be if two or three are gathered together in His Name.

I am not on the internet, so why are you searching there?

I’m not in your work, so why do you lose yourself there?

I’m not in your affairs or hookups, so why do you hide there?

Is it because you no longer believe in Me or see Me that you continue to wander aimlessly? Is that why you have no fear of Me because I don’t shout and yell at you?

Is that why you trust more in things than in Me?

You’re hanging too tightly to the temporal things at the expense of the eternal!

It doesn’t matter how many Sunday services you attend. It’s your secret life that is denying your belief in Me. Your lack of connectedness in Church stems from your lack of connectedness to Me!

Your Sunday morning “hallelujahs” and “amens” mean nothing to Me without your holiness and devotion. I’m supposed to be in your heart and not in your religious ambitions.

I’m pleading with you to return to Me, even though you’re chasing shadows and lingering in sin, I’m still not willing for you to perish. All your difficulties are not a string of bad luck. It’s Me, dealing with you as a faithful Father!

You will not find Me in the false gods you love; in A.I., Tictok, X, Meta, or Instagram. People are into those things, not Me, I’m here, inside your heart—whispering My heavenly will, which is uniquely designed for you.

Take out the trash in your heart and mind. Ask Me to create in you a clean heart and clear head. All you have to do is admit your sins, cry your eyes out, and invite Me in. I don’t want to judge you—I want to love you!

Turn away from darkness, and come back into the light. I won’t shame you, I want to tame your feral heart. I want to quiet all that hateful self-talk you’re constantly muttering at yourself. Those nasty voices come from the deep broken places that you’ll not let me heal.

Hasn’t my Son, Jesus, convinced you enough that I’m in love with you? I want you here with Me in Heaven so that Father and Son can be with you there on earth.

I know that’s what you want because I put that desire in you before I created you. So, stop holding hands with sin and the devil! He wants you in hell. I want you here with Me. You’ll not find Me there in the devil’s darkness. I’m over here, in the Light of My Word, and in Jesus, My Son.

If you want the devil to stop harassing you and your soul to cease its pain, seek Me with all your heart and weary soul. I’ll be found. I’m not the one hiding.

You’ll Not Find Me There, because I’m over here—I’ve never left!

Only A Whisper To Heaven — By Thomas J. Koester

Heaven’s voice is closer than you think.

The key to living a blessed life rather than a cursed life is repairing the broken lines of communication between your heart and your father’s. Your father’s heart is your “telephone line” to the heart of Abba-God.

Remember who you are, who you belong to, and how much you’re loved. This does not change.

Your greatest loss is not that you’re not loved, or do not belong, or have no identity, but that you have simply forgotten. Or maybe it’s been years or decades of anger that has turned your heart bitter towards your father, which has caused your deafness to Heaven.

Heaven’s voice is closer than you think.

“We talk about heaven being so far away. It is within speaking distance of those who belong there. Heaven is a prepared place for prepared people.” — Dwight L. Moody.
.
You only have to whisper to hear your name echoing from heaven. When you turn back to God, he will be found. Your pain and loneliness are not your punishment but your preparation for His presence. Don’t give up; God’s presence will come flooding back into your life.

Sometimes, we transfer our hurts and anger for our fathers to our Heavenly Father, so we shut our ears to God. I know it’s hard to forgive, but we can only hear our Heavenly Father’s voice again in forgiveness and repentance.

I know this, not just because I read it in the Bible, but because I’ve experienced this firsthand between me and my father. Just 4 days before my dad passed away, I forgave him for those years of silence, neglect, and abuse.

It took so much effort and courage to whisper in the darkness of my father’s death-filled VA hospital room in Martinez, California.

Dad?

“Yes, son?”

… Dad, I love you!

“… I love you too, son!”

I repeated my ‘I love you, Dad’ proclamations over and over again, basking in my father’s response of, “I love you too, son!”

From that day forward, heaven became wide open, and my new belief that my dad loves me convinced me that my Heavenly Father loves me, too. Until that day, my 39-year-old heart had never heard those precious words from my father.

You see, the Devil knows all too well that broken communication with our earthly fathers breaks and disrupts our communication to and from our Heavenly Father.

This is why the words of the Prophet, Malachi, are so significant:

“… And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers; lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” — Malachi 4:6

The key to living a blessed life, rather than a cursed life, is repairing the broken communication lines between your heart and your father’s. Your father’s heart is your “telephone line” to the heart of Abba-God.

“People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes, you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” — Isaiah 30: 19-21

When whispered to heaven, the words bottled up within your broken heart will change everything!

Suddenly, you’ll have the courage to forgive your father and others. On the day that happens, Heaven will become opened, and you’ll hear the voice of your Heavenly Father.

To be heard by heaven, just whisper.

My Own Prison – By Thomas J. Koester

Maybe you’re not aware, but you’ve always held the keys to your own prison.

The song, My Own Prison, written and sung by Scott A. Stapp, from the band, Creed; album, My Own Prison, released 1997.

The song’s lyric starts out:

“A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel

Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn…

… I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I’ve created my own prison”
Scott A. Stapp

The song is actually about self-condemnation and being tormented from past sins. I think that many of us suffer from the same struggle, only we’re not brave and honest enough to put it into lyrics for the world to sing.

No, we’d rather hide our self-hatered, lock it up inside our minds, and in our own prison, all the while holding the keys to our own cell. This is the definition of an unforgiving soul, a soul that hasn’t accepted forgiveness from God.

You see, the lack of forgiving others stems from an unforgiving self. When we refuse to forgive ourselves, we lack the ability to forgive others. More pointedly, we reject forgiveness because of shame, shame so deeply held within our being that it becomes our identity. Living too long with shame like that will soon turn your inner prison cell into a stronghold. A stronghold that will even lock out God’s forgiveness.

Did you know that your unforgiveness to yourself and the laundry lists of unforgiven people become building blocks for an inner fortress, where self-hatred will fester and thrive? It’s true, and it will keep you locked up for a lifetime!

We become deceived into thinking that our unforgiveness is justified due to the seriousness of not only our own sins but also the sins against us. So we die within our own prison cells due to a hunger strike, starving ourselves from God’s rich mercy and grace.

When we refuse to forgive, we end up owning the offense, or more accurately, the offense owns us. The offender, well, they may have moved on, yet we are the ones that are needlessly imprisoned because of our own stubbornness and pride.

Maybe you’re not aware, but you’ve always held the keys to your own prison.

Your forgiveness is the only key to unlocking your prison door. It’s the only way in which you, yourself, can be forgiven. Maybe you haven’t realized that God’s forgiveness is conditiononal. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe no one ever told you.

“Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you, but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.” Matthew 6:15 – Jesus of Nazareth

Don’t forfeit God’s mercy and grace any longer. Don’t remain shackled to self-loathing, loathing of others, bitterness, and anger.

There was a reason why the Inaugural Speech of Jesus was a scripture passage he read from in the Book of Isaiah, chapter 61, verse 1:

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the prison doors, setting them free.”

Do you see, my dear friend?

Jesus came to forgive you. He came to bring you good news for your sad and broken heart, to set you free from captivity, and to release you from your own prison.

It starts with you accepting God’s forgiveness of all your sins; all washed away by the sacrifice of Jesus, nailed to the cross. The Cross is where all your sins should forever be and not in your own prison of guilt.

The reason for this season is that you might forgive yourself, accept God’s forgiveness, and then you’ll be able to forgive everyone who hurt you.

Here’s what I humbly suggest…

Log off Facebook, LinkedIn, X, Nextdoor, etc. Quiet the noise in your head – let your heart speak for once. Listen carefully to its pent-up cries for help. Cry out to Jesus, God’s Son, to forgive you. Even asking for his help to do so. Confess with your heart and mouth of your failures and sins. Believe in your heart that Jesus was crucified and raised to life for you to seek you, save you, heal, and restore you. Ask him to help you turn from all your sins.

“That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. – Romans 10:9-11

Don’t give shame and pride another moment of keeping you in your own prison. Amen